Well.. to my anonymous reader!

All I do is moan eh! Well have you ever experienced what I have in life? I certainly hope not.. I know many survivors who are unable to move on due to the trauma they suffered at the hands of others. My therapist has said many times that I am dealing with things much faster than she anticipated, I have written a book that is publically available for anyone to read, if you like poetry that is. I talk about my experiences with other survivors and they find it useful as I pass on things that have worked for me, in dealing with certain things, i.e. flashbacks and the like.. so moaning.. well I think I have earned the right to moan as much as I want to in here.

No one is asking you to read this blog, it is your choice.. If all you can add to this is negative comments anonymously then please don't bother.. don't get me wrong here I can handle what you wrote easily.. but it seems a bit pointless when there is nothing possitive to say..

I go day to day holding down a full time job, and a good job at that, I have raised a family of my own and own my own house.. so hardly the acheivements of someone who moans all the time. I tend to write in here when things aren't going so good for me or when I am struggling with memeories and such like.. maybe thats why it appears to be complaining all the time, Maybe if I write more on the good days, which there are many, it won't seem to be so hard for you to understand..????

Well it's almost two months since my brother died, and life goes on as they say. But it is a struggle to keep going sometimes!

He faught so hard with his problems and never complained, even when he knew he was really ill he kept smiling each day trying to re-assure us all that he would make it through. The last picture I have of him is when his son came over from Ireland to visit him in hospital he is smiling so hard it looks like his face will crack open, but he was so happy to see him, His one wish in life that he never managed to acheive was to find his daughter.. I had been helping him look for her for tha past two years without any luck at all.. now it seems possible that I may finally get some help with my search.. a UK TV show that is very good at finding people has offered to help me.. and I hope now that maybe I can fulfil his dying wish and re-unite her with this side of the family. We don't even know if she has been told that she has four aunties and their family's lots of cousins and such. She doesn't know her father is dead and that she will inherit half his estate along with her half brother.. but hopefully soon she will be found and we will finally be able to meet her. I just know as my brothers daughter she will be lovely and I can't wait for that day when I can tell her what she has missed all these years, I'll have pleasure in telling her about her wonderful dad and how brave he was right to the end.. May that day come soon!!

Meanwhile for me, life has been tough, I'm back at work now after a month off and have found that I'm only going to get basic sick pay this month so will suffer financially because he died and I was close to him therefore to upset to go to work! it sucks.. I have the everyday struggle of trying to keep the peace at home between a twenty year old man (my son) and a thirty one year old lady (my friend who lives with us).. they frequently don't like what the other does and instead of talking to each other moan at me, so I become pig in the middle, left feeling like crap right now as they have both gone off to their rooms after complaining at me about the other one! I can't take it anymore, I've had enough, they are both going to have to grow up and learn to talk to each other, either I have to force it or they both shut up!! It's not fair..

I'm still trying to deal with my brothers death, the decisions about his ashes and what to do, the fact that he is still not at rest two months after he died is slowly killing me, I want to settle things and try to concentrate on healing me from my past, but with all this going on at the moment I have to put my issues on the back burner and leave them there until things settle down a bit! hardly fair eh! As is usual in my life I come second to everyone else.. I don't matter !!!!! I get blamed for anything that goes wrong, its alwasy my fault somehow, no matter what I do or say its wrong. Well no more.. enough is enough, from now on I will be telling everyone to get their own messes sorted out so that I can do what I need to do to sort my life, That will include getting My story written as my brother had asked me to do, I have written my story once in the form of poetry and now I feel I need to write it as a story, maybe I will include a few poems that I've written along the way, but maybe when it gets tough to detail certain incidents then a poem can say more in fewer lines than a detailed story can.. I'll start on it soon.. very soon.. I know I will be triggered many times as I write my horrific past down in black and white, but if by writing it I can help prevent one child experiencing what I did then it will be worth the pain and heartache of doing it!! No idea what the title can be as yet, the poetry book is simply called 'A Child's Cry' so the full story will need to be different from that, thinking cap is on!!

Well its been rather a long time since I have been in here, but today I feel so low that I have to do something!

The loss of my brother has hit me so hard, I'm finding everyday life to hard to cope with right now, I am getting dreams about our childhood, dreams about what might have been had he not died and dreams about what I have done with my life!
Not very much so far I have to admit. Being abused as a child is causing me so much turmoil right now, the thoughts and feelings going through my head are crippling me and I don't know what to do about it. I've been off work almost since he died on September 16th, I had a week of compassionate leave followed by a weeks holiday, then the funeral and signed of for two weeks by my doctor for bereavement.. I was a mess and if I'm completely honest I still am! I returned to work on October 15th only to get a bad cold which meant by the 21st I was signed of again by my doctor with a chest infection, this in turn became Bronchitus and I haven't been back at work since. But! as I don't get paid for being sick where I work, I am now finding that regardless of how I feel I need to go back next week, finances won't allow me to have my greiving time anymore..

My life is a fucking mess and I don't know what I can do to put it right. Sometimes I feel I can handle things and get back on track when other times I just sit at home and stare at the TV or computor screen but don't really see whats there! I have no motivation at all to get on with things, all my drive seems to have driven away and I'm having to fight everyone just to stay on an even keel.. why does it have to be so damned hard all the time?
The pain in my heart and soul right now is overwhelming and I can't handle much more. The fights at home are getting worse and are generally over things that are not my fault.. yet I get blamed for them regardless. My son is finding it difficult seeing me like this and knows how much I am hurting but there is nothing he can do to help, my friend who lives with us tries to help but ... doesn't always do the right things that I need, I get complained at for allowing my son to watch TV in the lounge when we're not even home, I get told to do this do that, no choices allowed.. Why am I not allowed to make choices anymore? Am I not in control of my own life? Am I allowing others to take control once again? Why Am I so weak that when I stand up for myself, everyone hates me? they make it clear they don't want me as I am, they want a 'yes' girl.. but thats not me anymore, I will not be beaten down by verball abuse and threats or blackmail any more.

As a child I was threatened and blackmailed into keeping quiet, to the extent that I allowed myself to be abused again and again, well no more.. people can either accept me as I am or go to hell! I've had enough of being pushed around to suit everyone else now its time for me to be able to do what I want to do, how I want to do it and when.. everyone else can either fit in with that or go their own way because I've had enough of the abuse in my life and I'm not taking it anymore.... EVER!!!
I am so low right now I could very easily join my brother, at least there I would not be feeling the pain I have right now, I wouldn't be pushed around and abused by anyone.. in fact I'd feel nothing at all!!!!

How do I write what I need here today?

As anyone following this blog will know, my brother has been seriously ill with his diabetes this past year or so, he was awaiting a kidney transplant and was due to se the transplant co-ordinator last monday 29th september.
But, instead of that meeting we were at his funeral! he died on tuesday 16th september after a long fight and the whole family is devastated. It's been just over two weeks now since he was taken from us and my heart is in shreads, I can't beleive that I will never hear his voice again, see his face or hear his jokes.
Following the call at 1.05am on that tuesday, I didn't go to work obviously, I was in peices. Beating myself up with guilt about not seeing him recently, had I known that his time was so short I am certain I would have gone, but no one knew not even the doctors. It was so unexpected that a post mortem was carried out to find the cause of death! This in turn delayed the funeral for a while and it was two weeks after his death that we were finally able to lay him to rest and try to say goodbye! That day will stay with me forever, no one expects to bury their younger brother especially when he was only 47 years old. My sisters had spent the week following his death attacking me for not visiting him more often, saying things like, 'he made a comment in hospital on sunday about not seeing you' but we won't say what he said as it would hurt you to much' ! why do they do this? When our mother died I got all their anger directed at me and now they do it again with my brothers death, it's not fair!
The funeral was on monday at 2.30pm.. and I was told it was a closed funeral 'family only' so my friend was unable to be there with me, they were all ok, they had their husbands with them.. but I was alone apart from my children, and if it hadn't been for my daughter I don't think I could have coped at all. She was wonderful to be honest, putting aside her own grief to be there for me! She spent most of the service on her knee's huggin me as she was sat behind me. I had been placed on the second row in the chapel... not good enough for the first I guess, I was not considered to be his sister that day, I was relegated back a row so that my sisters partners could sit with them in front!!!!! even my brothers son was put back to the third row ???? My sisters are selfish little bitches and one day the time will come when I get even, but as they say, 'revenge is a dish best served cold' how true!

I left the chapel a mess, feeling barely able to stand and now it feels as if my life is destroyed! my brother is gone! never to be seen again by my eyes, never to be heard again by my ears.. I miss him so much already it is a physical ache.. my heart is broken and its going to take a long time for me to accept this loss.. I could upset my sisters so much by telling them the things he used to say to me about them, but I'm not that heartless.. they are comments that I will take to the grave with me as I'm not going to repeat them ever.
I wrote a poem for my brother as is my way of dealing with things that happen in my life, a copy of it is here;

My Heart is Broken Anyway!

Taken from us far to young,
Yet nothing bad, had you ever done!
I try to eat, I try to sleep,
Your memory in my heart I'll keep.
My favourite sibling of them all,
You made me proud, as you stood tall.
The youngest one from our clan,
I'll always remember, because I can.
The laughter, and the tears and jokes,
As at me, some fun you'd poke.
But I didn't care, it was just your way,
You'd always show me anyway.
I know you loved me, without a doubt,
Your little Sis, Wants to scream and shout!
It is not right, the way you suffered,
All you wanted, was to be mothered.
You always looked out for me,
Ever since we were just wee.
Who will be my shining Knight ?

When I recall as I sleep at night?
Who will stand beside me tall?
Whenever I'm about to fall?
Who will pick me to my feet?
And make me sit down in a seat?
Your gone for good, and now I know,
Your memory will forever glow.
I'll miss you always, from today,
My heart is broken anyway!

For his funeral flowers I wrote a special short verse;

Your always here!

As they lay you down to sleep,

My Heart is broken, now I weep.

Your loving memory in my heart,

Will mean we never are apart.

I miss you now, I always will,

In my heart, an awful chill.

You lit up my life, made me glad,

When I think of you now, I am sad.

The times we shared, never lost,

Now we have to pay the cost.

So rest in peace, My brother dear,

For in my heart, Your always here.

I beleive this says it all? I surely do hope that there is a better life out there for our loved ones?But until it is my time to go I won't know, but at least he suffers NO MORE!

Well. Not sure quite how to begin this, the last week has been so hard for me and I'm struggling just to keep things together.

Last Tueday in the early hours of the morning I got the phone call that I had been dreading and hoping would never come, at 1.05am my sister called to let me know that my baby brother had passed away! He had been in hospital with diabetic related problems and awaiting a kidney transplant since last christmas, but it still came as a shock to us all.

I still can't beleive he is gone and I will never hear his voice again, never see him again or see his smile, he was just 47 years old far to young to be taken from us. The whole family is distraught at the loss, he and I were so close, even though I hadn't been to see him for a while he knew (I hope) how much I loved him right to the end.

I don't know where I am this past week, tears have been falling and at other times I am numb, not quite beleiving it has happened. My sisters didn't bother coming to see me until thursday and put me off going to see them before that. When they came round finally they spent the whole hour they were here having a go at me and argueing. I just don't understand? the one time when we should all be helping each other and they attack me, I understand they are angry at his death but it felt as if they were blaming me? why I don't know, but they did.
Now a post mortem has been carried out and the body will be released tomorrow for burial, but it won't happen until next monday 29th septmeber at 2.30pm. This is going to be one of the longest weeks of my life, waiting to finally lay him to rest and try to accept he is gone. I know I will fall apart at the funeral and it will take me a long time to recover from it, you don't expect to bury your younger brother first do you? But we have no choice its happened and we have to deal with it. I have had to cancel my councelling last week and will probably cancel this week as well, but then again I may go and talk it might just help?

NO doubt I will be here frequently the next week as I wait for the start of the dealing with his loss, he was such a big part of my life and there are so many questions I wanted to ask him about our childhood but its to late now! my questions once again will remain unanswered.

Wow, it's been over two months since I last came in here. So much has happened in that time that its hard to write it all down just now.

I am still trying hard to deal with all my abuse issues, but its not easy! I seem to be so angry at the moment that I just don't know what to do to help myself? I am constantly having bad dreams again and small flash's from the past, I can be walking down the road, watching a movie or even be on the train on the way home from work. Just a few weeks ago on a crowded train on the way home, this guy stumbled back into me on purpose, as he did so he placed his hand behind his back and landed it very conveniently on my crutch area.. it was all I could do not to run.. but my friend who was with me realised I was uncomfortable and suggested we move to another carraige. We moved down the train two carraiges to get away from him only to have him follow and sit on the seat next to us! It made me feel very uncomfortable and uneasy.
Then just last weekend we watched a movie with Mellissa Gilbert and that triggered me big time, I didn't realise it at the time but it affected me for quite a long time afterwards. It was a movie about her as a lawyer helping change laws in America about reporting abuse, during the movie her character realised that she herself had been abused by her father as a child! Very close to home.. and upsetting at the same time.

However all that aside, my biggest problem right now is anger! I'm not always sure who or what I'm angry at, I can control it for so long and then I reach a point whereby I lash out? Today my friend was winding me up big time and after so long I could feel myself getting more and more angry until I lashed out and hit her!! I have no idea why, she certainly didn't deserve it but I had tried to say enough, but she kept going and going, over stupid things I seem to lose control and hit out, could it be because of the past? I really have no idea. I know I need to sort out what is happening but how? how do I find out where the anger should be directed? how do I control the urge to hit? what do I do if I can't control it? After lashing out today she told me that I was an Abuser and needed help? isn't that what I am trying to do in therapy? sort out my issues and get the help I need to try and have a normal life, whatever 'normal' is.

I just feel like running away and never coming back right now, maybe then everyone would be happy .. they wouldn't have to put up with my mood swings or my anger. Maybe then spending time alone I would be able to search for the real me, who is hidden deep inside, is the real me the kindhearted person everyone seems to think I am? is it a person I would like to meet? and spend time with? am I really nice to be around or a nightmare? was my stepfather right in saying I was a nightmare child, and is that coming back now? was my mother right in saying I had a very nasty temper?

Or are my memories right about my childhood? spent being as quiet as possible so I wouldn't get noticed and therefore get beaten, was that really how it was? are my memories all messed up? I really don't know who I am anymore... and I don't like the person I seem to be becoming. Not when it means I hurt the people I really do care about. I HATE MYSELF RIGHT NOW!

I Honestly hadn't realised how long it had been since I wrote in here! but so much has happened recently that time just passes by and there aren't enough hours in the day to get everything done.

Many regular readers of this blog will know that my brother was awaiting a kidney transplant as his diabetes has caused so many problems, well unfortunately we found out last month that this will no longer be possible, he is terinally ill and there is nothing more the doctors can do for him, its just a matter of time as we wait to see wha t will happen to him next. He now has dementia as the nerves have been damaged also by the diabetes, this has affected his ability to care for himself and he remains in hospital until a suitable nursing home can be found for him, he still has to have his dialisis every night and many homes do nothave the staff qualified to do that for him, so time is all we have with him now. As I try desperately to pre[are for the inevitable I am slowly being destroyed inside, my brother was and is my closest sibling, as children we did almost everything together he stod up for me as much as he could and took beatings from our step father that should have been mine.. I can't bare the thought of losing him but know that at some point in the future I will .... Thankfully I have still been going to my weekly therapy sessions and that has been a big help as I try to accept what is going to happen.

On top of that, I have finally managed to get myself a new job and leave the job from hell... my new position starts next week and although I am nervous I'm looking forward to it a lot. It should be a good experience as the company seem to be the type who appreciate their staff and show their gratitude for work done.. It could be interesting as it is similar work to what I did before but for a much better company.

Therapy has been tough as we talk more and more about past issues and how they affect me today, the difference now to years ago is that sometimes I can talk about things as they are happening with my good friend.. without her around I really don't know where I'd be today. I've been having a few bad dreams lately mainly with my brother involved, they've not been nice dreams and I can't write about them here as yet but hope maybe in time I will be able to. I dream of events that happened when we were small children, how we dealt with them at the time and how much they are affecting me now.. it's not good at all. But in a way it is ok to have the memories as my brother fights to stay alive and stay with us.