Saturday afternoon, and I spent all day yesterday helping my sister.. she has broken her back after a fall at home and is bed ridden for the forseeable future.. it's so hard to see her like that knowing that part of the problem is because of what he did to her as a child. She had an old back injury that made her spine week and fragile hence when she fell it broke. The old injury was caused because of him throwing her down the stairs when she was a child and dared to disobey him!.. how callous can one person be?

During the day yesterday we talked at length about our childhood, how things were at home and how our mum had reacted to me telling her what he'd done to me! Mum's reaction was kinda what I expected it to be, she was very upset and disgusted, she appeared to have no idea at all about the sexual abuse I'd suffered and when she found out about my sister the reaction was pretty much the same. But! I know now that she must have had an idea because in one incident that I can clearly recall now she was downstairs? My feelings towards my Mother now are so confused that I can't describe how I truely feel.. one minute I love her and the next I hate her for allowing him to treat us the way he did.. my sister has no idea that mum was home on that one occassion that I can recall.. she appears to have made her peace with mum and forgiven her everything, but I can't do that.. to tell my sister would shatter her illusions that Mum didn't know! and with her being so sick right now I just can't do that to her!.

She asked me yesterday why I'd finally told Mum what had happened and I explained to her that it was because Mum had just told me that he had 'raped her' the evening before when they had gone to visit my other sisters down by the coast.. she asked me how mum reacted when she learned that we had gone to the police and I told her that she was very supportive of me, taking my son for the day when the police came to get a statement from me.. we talked about all sorts yesterday, more of which I will write in here later as I'm still trying to work some of it out in my head...

Will write again soon!!

Its friday again.. and normally I would be heading off to therapy this morning, but My sister needs my help today so I have had to cancel.

My sister has had a bad fall and damaged her spine, resulting in a crushed vertabrae.. painful eh!.. and concussion. She has been mentally ill for many years due to the Abuse she suffered as a child, she got into the wrong crowd of people as a way out and started on the drugs and such. For many years she was addicted to all sorts, and as a result of that now needs help with everyday tasks, things we take for granted like showering, housework and cooking a meal, she is unable to do by herself.. so she has carers coming in everyday but they haven't been doing the job properly, she told me last night that she has not showered for nearly 4 months? The carer refuses to help her as they need to do a risk assessment first? why has this not been done already? I intend to find out today we have a big meeting with the head of the carers department and I'm going to rip them off a shread or two. I'm in the right mood today as I'm still in a lot of pain with my tooth and haven't slept very well for days now.. not a good time to upset me I can tell you!

If I don't like the answers they give me today I think my sister will be getting new carers.. but I'm hopeful that they see what has gone wrong here and promise to change it for her! She needs to be more forthright in telling them what she needs and making sure that they do their jobs properly. She won't let family members do these things for her as she is to embarrassed understandably.. after all I'm her little sister.. But it means that I have had to cancel my therapy today to be at the meeting to give her some support.

I knew therapy today was going to be hard for me as we were meant to be working our way through my book of poems in the hope that it would help me to talk about things easier. But now its getting delayed for another week! There is so much that I need to work through in therapy that I can see me being there for years at this rate.. Its so hard to talk openly about the Abuse especially the Sexual Abuse even with a therapist that I've been going to for just over a year. Don't get me wrong I know I can trust her, the problem is that I know when I talk about it face to face with anyone I tend to get very emotional and upset, often disolveing into tears and I hate to let people see me cry! When I was a child and was hit, if I cried it meant that I got hit again, I know my therapist wouldn't do this but talking and getting those feelings is so hard to control! I can't seem to stop myself from crying everytime I try to talk about stuff! I have a very dear friend who I try to talk to but even with her I can only talk about certain things face to face, we often result in talking on line in seperate rooms so that she can't see me, somehow that makes it a bit easier. I know she is here if I need a hug afterwards but I just can't talk face to face about the really hard stuff.... Sexual Abuse must be one of the hardest things in the world to talk about especially if your talking from experience of it? hopefully one day soon I will be able to be open about it and actually say the words out loud!
A few months ago I had to go and give one of my sisters some bad news and we got talking in her kitchen, her husband and daughter were there also and suddenly I found myself shouting out that I had been raped by our stap father several times! Her husband was amazing and gave me a hug saying he was sorry I had been through that, but my sister just sat there, no reaction at all and said nothing at either.. That hurt! I sort of expected her to say something to me, to maybe give me a hug at least and say it would be ok? but no reaction at all.. I didn't and don't want sympathy from anyone, what happened, happened and nothing now can change that but as I try to deal with it, at this point in my life a little understanding from my siblings would be good! The only one who really understands me is the one I am going to see today, because she has been there as well, she knows just how I feel and is now able to talk to me a little about what went on as we grew up with that Man around. The others just tell me 'its in the past, forget it and move on' if only it was that easy!' They have both been in therapy as they say, well six or eight sessions, and claim to have dealt with it all, they comment about the fact that I still go one year on! but I have so much to deal with and don't intend to rush it as that wouldn't do me any favours in the long run would it?
Oh well.. I miss a session today and will have to try and carry it on again next week! wish me luck helping my sister ... will write more another day!!

Another day in my life as a survivor....

In a post I made a few days ago I said that I would try to write how it was telling my husband about the Abuse I'd suffered as a child. I can tell you it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.
When I got back from giving my evidence in court, he had read the letter I'd left on his pillow, in that letter I'd detailed exactly what I was going to be telling the court, about how the sexual Abuse had all started at the age of just 14 years and how it continued until I was 16 and a half... when I left home. The very first time was when my Mum had gone to her brothers wedding, I was alone in the house with him.. I'll not put the details here again as I think I have previously.. My husband asked me what sort of thing he did to me as I grew up, and when I told him he'd raped me several times the look on his face was one of disgust! I'm not sure if it was directed towards me or at him, but it was there all the same. This made me regret telling him as I wasn't sure how he now looked a me, I knew it wasn't my fault the police had made that part very clear to me, but now the court case was over I was left to deal with it all alone. I thought by telling my husband I would get some support from him! but no! he never mentioned it again after that day.. His attitude towards me changed and he didn't seem to care at all anymore.. I was left feeling that all the pain and upset of going to court was a waste of time, a good friend of mine at the time offered to take me back to court for the verdict on the friday and I was grateful for that, somehow I'd thought that maybe my husband would have come with me and supported me but no, a friend had to do it instead.
We left my home in london at 7am on the friday and headed down south to the court, arriving at about 9.30am.. court had already started when we arrived and they were just having the judges summing up.. then the jury retired to decide its verdict.. I prayed and prayed that morning that the jury had beleived us all.. none of my sisters or brother were there I was alone with my friend.. the police advised us to go and get some lunch and return for 1pm.. when we got back court was already in session again.. the jury had come back with a guilty verdict on all counts.. he had been charged with 9 offences and was sentenced to 9years in prison for each of them to run concurrently! what a farse.. it meant he'd be lucky to serve 4 yrs.. with a nine year sentence they immediately take a third off.. which left him 6 yrs. then another third is removed for good behaviour! so down to four years.. as if he could molest any children in prison! there aren't any children in the prison that he could access so of course he would behave!.. anyways as I heard the verdict I started to cry, releived that at least we had been beleived, I went to call my sisters who were all waiting for the news.. whilst I was on the phone to them My step fathers son came down from the public gallery and said he was going to get me! he would make me pay as his dad had done nothing wrong, and didn't deserve to go to prison? Luckily my friend saw this threat and called the police officer over, they removed him and told me to leave immediately for my own safety, they would hold him down in the police cells for one hour to allow me time to get out of the area.. I left and went back home to my family..
There were no celebrations at all, my husbands comment was 'well thats all over with now we can get on with life' If only it was that fucking easy, no survivor would need help years later! None of us would struggle with the memories or flashbacks as we re live it all time and again.. no survivor would try to take their own lives, or end up in psychiatric wards of hospitals needing help to deal with the pain and trauma that they suffered. I have met many survivors on the web from all over the world and some of the stories I have heard would make you cringe.. there are some horrific tales out there waiting for someone somewhere to listen to them and get things done to ensure that the perpetrators of this crime are brought to justice and punished severely, 4 years in prison is definately not enough considering we got a lifetime of pain and memories!

Nowadays he lives not that far from me, he lives a normal life with all the help the state could give him upon his release, he was housed, given money to live on and help finding employment! do we get that? NO.. we are expected to just forget and move on.. we are not offered any help at all, no councelling no one to talk to, we are left to our own devices and if we get it wrong then tough!.. is that fair? The criminal gets help the victim gets nothing! The justice system in this country stinks there is no justice!.

Tuesday 27th September..

Another day in the life of a survivor..

After a really restless night I woke up several times in pain, I have spent most of this morning sleeping.. I have an abcess on a tooth and my face is swollen the size of a football.. its very tender and painful I have anti-biotics to take and can't wait for them to start working... The pain and location of pain is causing me to remember a time as a child where I was punched in the face by my step-father for not doing my chores quickly enough..

As a child growing up we all (my siblings and I) had set chores to do everyday, when we got home from school there would always be a note on the mantel piece stating who had to do what chore before Mum or him came home.. regularly I would have to either sweep the landing and stairs, with a dustpan and brush, or would have to clean out the fire grate.. my other siblings had various chores to do as well including cleaning the bathroom, making beds, tidying the lounge, preparing dinner etc.. anyways the day I am remembering I had got home late from school, everyone else had done their job and gone to the park, I was home finishing off when he came back early..I was about four steps from the bottom of the stairs when he appeared.. he asked me why I hadn't finished like the rest of them and I said I'd got held up in school talking to a teacher.. we couldn't admit that we had stayed back talking to friends else we were in trouble.. I thought the teacher was the best bet. Anyways I was wrong... I said I was nearly done and would be finished in five minutes.. That wasn't good enough for him though.. he told me it was meant to be finished BEFORE he got home, he didn't want to come home and find chores still being done and kids home.. he needed to relax after work.. I offered to make him a cup of tea so that he would calm down and let me finish.. he accepted my offer but when I took him the tea in the front room he suddenly started shouting at me, I said 'I need to finish up' at that he stood up and smacked me round the face... the pain I felt back then is very similar to the pain I feel today! my face went all red and as I tried to stop myself crying he shouted at me 'to get out of my sight'.. I went back to finish my job trying hard not to cry.. because I knew if I dared to cry he would just hit me again..

I can honestly say that I hate that man! He was my mum's partner for many years on and off, why she took him back I'll never know but she did.. often he would leave us and go back to his wife and family.. he had two daughters and a son with her and I often wonder if they got treated the same way as we did... How could she accept that he would leave her to come to us then return to her whenever he felt like it?

Why do women accept this type of behaviour from men? What can a woman do to prevent their men abusing their children? Simple really! Do NOT let them get away with it! If any future partner I have ever lays a hand or shouts out at my children they will be straight out the door, no questions asked and no excuses accepted...
It is totally unacceptable for anyone to Abuse Children they are innocent young people who are still learning right from wrong and need to be given the space to learn how to act in life... With gentle guidance and tolerance all children can be taught without the need to result to violence, all that does is teach them that violence is acceptable in todays society, but it isn't!

Today has been a bit of a surprise so far, I came on here to write some more about feelings and such to find that I have a comment made... a very nice comment at that! Thankyou Pranay... I do intend to fight on..

Today I'm struggling big time with my feelings, I am not sure quite what to do or even what to say here about it.. My past is very fresh in my mind as I go through councelling trying to deal with all the problems its caused me, Difficulties in trusting people, especially men, difficulties in holding a relationship and knowing how I really feel about other people. How can I be expected to know what Love is when I was never shown any as a child? when I saw my own Mother being beaten and verbally abused on a dialy basis.. I know that is not normal but somehow I am drawn to people who do that.. its what I'm used to.. Breaking that cycle of Abuse is something that every survivor struggles with, I thought I'd done it.. initially my marriage was happy.. he showed me he cared for me in many ways when we first met, he asked me to marry him within months of our first date and we walked up the aisle just 10 months later. But it wasn't to last.. within a year or so when he was posted oversea's (he was in the Army) I had to give up work to move with him.. so I became dependant on him for everything.. food, clothes and such.. he changed he started demanding that I told him exactly what I'd done all day, who had I spoken to where had I been? it became a living nightmare.. in front of other people we were the perfect couple always holding hands and showing affection.. but behind closed doors he changed. I began to despise this man that I called my husband.. I hated having to answer to him all the time and ask him for money to buy things I needed.. I had told him that I was abused as a child but had not given him all the details, as far as he was concerned all that happened was that I had a very strict step father who used to hit me!.. I wish it had been that simple.
When we returned to the UK some three years later with our daughter I was detrmined to give her everything that I'd not had, a caring loving home to grow up in, I did the best I could under the circumstances... in time money was tight so I looked into returning to work, I found a good childminder to care for my daughter and found a job, I had money of my own again and for a while things did get a little better.. but then I found out that he was cheating on me with my best friend at the time.. Initially he denied it all but when confronted with proof he had to admit it.. we were about to leave the army and move to a new house so we agreed that he would only move in initially to help me get things straight then he would leave, but he never did.. he continued trying to control me and telling me what I could or couldn't do.. My mother and step-father often visited and My husband wondered why I didn't like it, I hated having that man in my house after what he's done to me.. but I had to put up and shut up.. or tell everything? I decided to keep quiet again.. it was many years before I found the courage to actually tell my mum what he had done to me... the day she left him outside my flat in London was the hardest day of my life.. I told her exactly what he had done and she was devastated... we called my sisters and one admitted he had done the same to her.. Mum decided to use it to get a divorce from him, but he asked her to drop it for a quick divorce or kkep it and he would fight it! As she wanted out of the marriage quickly she dropped it from the proceedings.. so my sister and I decided that we would go to the police ourselves.. My sister made the initial call and did her interview first as well, then I received a call from the police asking if I would make a statement about what he had done to me? I agreed and so began the long process of courts and such.. it took just over 18months before we got to court, in this time our Mum had passed away following a triple by pass operation, so when we needed her most she was no longer there. I never felt so alone in my life as I did the day I went to court... We were told to wait in this small room that had literally a table and six chairs in it.. a small room no more than 10 foot x 8 foot.. and there were six of us in there! My siste had to give her evidence first as she had suffered most at his hands being raped repeatedly from the age of about 8yrs.. until she left at 15 yr.. She was on the stand for almost two whole days as they questioned her and cross questioned her.... then it was my turn! I went into the courtroom at about 10am on the tuesday morning.. initially it was the prosecution asking me questions about my statement, saying things like 'in your statement you say...... , is that true?' Of course it was if it was in my statement it was the facts as I recall them.. then a break for lunch and I was taken out by the police, not allowed to talk to my siblings at all we were kept apart.. after the break it was back into court and the turn of the defence lawyers..
Obviously their job is to try and discredit me and convince the jury that I am lying, the questions they asked were very personal and intrusive, how did it feel? how many times did it happen? what was life like growing up with this man in the house? how many holidays did he take us on as children? NONE!.. how was my sex life with my husband now? did my childhood affect the way I have sexual relations now? how many partners have I had since I left home? All deeply personal and embarrassing to answer to a room full of 30 odd strangers.. somehow I got through it and was given the ok by the judge to leave court, my bit was done. I returned home to see my children and husband, was I glad to be home? not really, glad it was all over but now I had to explain the letter that I had left for my husband the night before I was in court.. In the letter I told him exactly what had happened to me as a child, including the sexual abuse.. he was shocked to say the least.. why had I never told him? I have no idea, I'd burried it so deep in the back of my head that I tried to forget it all... tried to convince myself that it didn't happen.. but we can't do that as it just comes back when you least expect or want it..

Can't write anymore just now, will try to continue this another time..

Well... another week and another day to get through.. I have yet again had a few flashbacks over the weekend, another problem coming from being Abused in my life. Most Survivors will experience flashbacks and triggers about what happened, so I'm no different in that from everyone else, even people who have had bad accidents and trauma in their life can get flashbacks they aren't pleasant but part of the life we now have to lead.

Some people can prevent them happening, I seem to be able to stop them during the day when other people are around especially children.. because they can be quite scary to see..
In a flashback the survivor re-lives the traumatic event, so if its from abuse it often feels like it is all happening again right now! your being beaten, force fed, raped or even verbal abuse... we see and hear it like it is NOW!. We get the feelings of fear, terror and such that we experienced when the Abuse happened and it often can take days to get over it.. but if your having flashbacks on an almost daily basis it feels like you are re-living it all when in fact your not..

I wrote a poem this weekend about my fight to recover from all this and I am determined to get my life back, to how it should be.. But how is that? If I hadn't been abused what would I be doing now? who would I be? my life would no doubt have taken a completely different path and I would not be the person I am today. Here is the poem!

I will NOT fail!

Pain and suffering for many years,
Living daily with all my fears.
Will he come back? Will he return?
The pain that I feel, continues to burn!
Sat here alone, I start to cry,
When I start to think, I'm asking why?
What did he see, in a girl so young?
Would like to lash out, with my tongue.
I'd shout and I'd scream, see what you did?
A messed up adult, because of when, I was a kid.
Why did you need to Rape and Abuse?
Why am I left feeling so used?
What was your fantasy? What was your game?
Couldn't you play it with Adults the same?
At least for them, they would have had choice,
But now at last I'm finding my voice!
I will discuss and tell what went on!
I will continue singing my song!
I will name and shame you, like you did me!
Just you wait mate! You'll soon see.
Your name in the papers as I tell my tale,
It's my biggest challenge, and I WILL NOT FAIL!

Hopefully what comes across from this poem is my determination to succeed in healing from the past. I did report my first Step Father to the police and he was prosecuted and sent to prison, but the other abusers in my life so far have not been punished. The neighbour I have no way of knowing where he is now, I cannot recall his name so there is no way to have anything done about him, my second step father attacked me in Cyprus so british law can't do anything.. I would need to return to cyprus to do anything about him, which I can not afford to do... so again he escapes justice.. I did confront him over the telephone last year and as I expected he denied everything, claiming he couldn't remember, well I remember what he did its not something I can forget in a hurry.. but somehow I will try to work my way through it all and move on with my life...

It's now sunday afternoon and althought therapy was two days ago some of the things we spoke about are still very clear in my mind.. that last time ever with Don was a very painful experience, hence my need to get away from there.. even though I had no idea at the time how difficult it would be on my own anything was better than enduing that again.. the memories of how it felt for me are still vey clear and I often wonder if he feels sorry for what he did that particular day! In fact because he was and is a paedophile the only regret he probably has is that fact that by doing what he did that day he lost me for ever....
I wonder how does he live with himself? did he ever tell my Mother what he had done to her children? If he did why didn't she do something about it? or did she beleive that it was ok for children, her children to be abused like she was? When I did finally tell her about it all when I was 32yr old he admitted to me that he used to rape her on a regular basis... the evil bastard that he was, she was terrified of him, but I think more terrified of being on her own with her 5 children that she accepted whatever he did to us as being ok.. She couldn't really have cared much for any of us I guess.. as long as she had a man in her life whatever they did to us was acceptable by her standards.. I'm starting to really hate her for that, but can't even vent out my anger as she is no longer living on this earth!.. I have to keep these feelings to myself once more and learn to live with them all the best way I can...
I will write more here again tomorrow about how all this really feels for the child as it happens and now how it is affecting me and my life as an adult...
watch this space!!

The evening after therapy is quite often very hard for a survivor, especially if they have been talking about specific incidents like I was doing today!..
Initially I left the session and sat in my car crying, as I realised what we had talked about, after a few minutes I composed myself and went to meet a friend for a coffee.. I put things out of my mind and tried to carry on as normal, but its not that easy... everything is fresh in my head once more and to try and distract myself I go on line and play games.. depending on what the session has been about this can sometimes work, but not today I just can't concentrate at all on anything, My therapist wants to work her way through my book over the next few weeks and to be perfectly honest I am terrified! I really don't know how I will react as we talk in detail about some of the poems and what made me write them at the time.. I clearly remember some of them were written at my lowest ebb, when I was unable to sleep at like 3/4am.. everytime I tried to sleep i would get flashbacks and nightmares about what had happened and it was suggested to me that I try to write them out.. the only way I knew how was to write a poem about it all, and one became two became three.... before I knew it I had written over a hundred of them, A friend who I'd met on line asked me if I would consider writing some for her about her life and abuse and I said I'd try, Initially I did 7 poems for her and these are in the back of the book... but after that was published I did a few more up to date ones for her.. they were very triggering for me to write as I often recalled my own abuse when writing for her.. Today she is still struggling like I am with the memories that haunt her and I wish I could take her pain away.
I have been told today that I have a way with words and through my writing am able to get across the pain and feelings of the survivor, I hope so!.. here is another poem I wrote about my Abuse as a Child;

Its called 'Hidden Memories'

Hidden memories, buried so deep,
So often the thoughts, make me weep.
Locked down tight, for many a year,
My deepest, darkest, coldest fear!
Now in my future, unlock the thought,
Remembering the evil, I was taught.
Work my way through, know what they did,
When I was an adult, when I was a kid.
Memories so painful, can they be right?
Why didn't I put up, a bigger fight?
Scared and frightened, no one to hear,
The reasons why I, didn't want him near!
The pain that I felt, I can now see,
The damage he did to the 'little me'.
But! I'm moving forward, I'm going to heal,
I made a pact with myself, I made a deal.
I can now cope with a hug and a kiss,
One thing as a child, that was amiss.
A childhood of horror, a childhood of pain,
I will not ever suffer that way again!

I wrote this poem last year when a lot of memories of my childhood began to come back to me at night, It is my way of saying that I will not allow this to happen to me again.. I so hope I am right!..

Ok.. so its friday again and that means I have had another therapy session.. Today was a very hard one as almost straight away Jane asked me if we could talk about one of my poems in my book! I wasn't to sure but agreed to give it a go.. its about time I did some real talking with her after all thats what I am there for.. The poem she had picked was called..' That day in Eastbourne' its about the final time that Don actually raped me before I left home for good.. she asked me to try and explain what had happened that day and I told her that I had been ill in bed with the flu.. it was about 28th February 1976... I woke up that morning to find him already there, I'm not sure if he'd been there all night or had arrived early that day, (this was during one of those times when he was back and forward to his wife) anyways.. I saw him there and went to have a bath once I'd woken up a bit, still feeling pretty rotten, whilst I was in there mum called out to me that she was popping out to get some shopping.. I knew that meant that unless he went as well I'd be on my own with him until she returned.. I didn't relish that Idea but didn't have a choice.. anyways I came out of the bathroom in my towel to grab some clothes and he started making comeents at me, like 'you look cute in that!' what do you look like underneath?' comments that made me feel sick to my stomach.. I eventually came out of the bathroom and he started making comments again.. I said 'I don't feel to good, so think I will lie down and try to sleep' I went off to bed.. within minutes he came in and stripped off his clothes, climbing into bed with me. I asked him to leave me alone, I was ill.. and his reply was 'this will make you feel better, sweat the cold out of you!' before I knew what was happening I felt the pressure of him against me, he was pulling off my clothes and I could do nothing to stop him.. I felt his penis pushing up against my leg and then he grabbed my legs and spread them open.. then he climbed over on top of me........ I felt the pressure as he tried to force his way in....... I was terrified, scared, crying and asking him to stop.. all he did was say 'be quiet! we need to be quick before your mum gets back'... I cried and cried but he still carried on... he forced his penis into me and said 'you should be used to this by now and be able to enjoy it!'................. after what felt like hours and hours he finally got off me and went to the bathroom.. I was still crying when he came out and he told me to go and get tidied up, mum would be back soon..
I went into the bathroom, this time taking all my clothes with me, I scrubbed myself so hard that I was sore for days .. when I came out I told him I was going for a walk, I needed time alone to think about what I could do, I was determined this wouldn't happen again... I planned to get out of there as soon as I could.. I went back home at tea time and refused to talk to him at all, I just said I wasn't well and went straight to bed..as luck would have it, whilst mum had been out she had called my sister in london and decided to go and visist her for her birthday on march 1st.. I saw this as my opportunity to get away... we travelled up the next morning to see her and were meant to be staying overnight.. but my sister lived with her in-laws and didn't have room for us all, so Mum said she and him would find a b&b and stay there returning to us in the morning.. anyways they couldn't find anywhere so went back home to Eastbourne.. they called us in the morning and told me to get the train back later that day.. initially I said I would but when the time came for me to leave I started to get very upset, my sister sensed something was wrong and asked me, I told her I didn't want to go back there as he was doing things I didn't like.. she looked at me with tears falling and said 'yes I understand me to!' she then went to talk to her mother in law and it was agreed I couldstay with them......
I'll write more later...

When I was here yesterday I said I would try to carry on where I left off! so I guess I should give it a go, its not easy writing details of an abusive incident and frequently can trigger so I will be as detailed as I can looking after myself at the same time. I'm going to try and talk to my therapist about this tomorrow so this may just help me.

Anyways, as I said the neighbour forced his way into my room, pushing me aside like I was nothing, then he closed the door... thoughts running through my head at the time were fear, terror, what does he want? what is he going to do? I was soon to find out. He grabbed me from behind and pushed me onto the bed, as I tried to get up and get away he came beside me and told me to stay there, if I tried to get away I would get hurt! He started tearing off my clothes and then removed his trousers.. by this time it was clear to me what he was going to do! 'rape me!' I was very scared and worried about how this would happen and tried to divert my mind away from what was happening.. he grabbed me by my hair, which was rather long (waist length) and pulled my head up to his groin.. he told me to stay calm and I would be ok.. don't want to say what happened next but no doubt anyone reading can guess... then he grabbed me by my throat and forced me to lie down again.. as he grabbed at me he raped me... I was terrified wondering if I would get away alive... after what seemed like an eternity he got up and put his trousers back on... as he went to leave he told me 'Stay where you are I will be back!' Don't tell anyone or I will come and find you!... I was to scared to move, I'd had threats like that made to me as a child and beleived him!.. I sat there covered in a blanket and cried in the corner convinced that I had to keep quiet else he'd be back!.. after about an hour or so had passed I knew I needed help, I didn't want to tell anyone what had happened but I knew I needed someone with me. I called my fiance at work and although he couldn't come over he sent his friend and him and his girlfriend were with me within an hour. I told them I'd been assaulted but not who by, they stayed with me overnight and when the morning came I called my sister who lived a few miles away.. I moved out of that flat that day and stayed with my sister and her husband and daughter until My flat was ready, days before my wedding day. My fiance was in the Army so we were allocated a quarter on camp but couldn't move in until two days before the wedding...
My sister guessed what had happened, to this day I have still never confirmed or denied it to her, she was brilliant and very supportive towards me, she understood how I felt and helped me distract my mind by concentrating on wedding arrangements and such..
I will write more another day.... to upset now!

Now Wednesday, the after effects of being 'triggered' three days running are not easy, but I will persist in getting on with life.
Just trying to have what most people would call a healthy sexual relationship is so hard for me, I find myself being taken back there where the pain is so unbearable that I can't function normally.
How can a man of 40 odd years old find it pleasurable to have sex with a child? What is it about children that are so facinating to paedophiles? They generally are adult men, some of whom are in healthy normal relationships with adult women, so why do they get the need and desire to seduce a child? what could they possibly acheive by it? I mean it can't be exciting to see a child cry out in pain everytime they come near, it can't possibly be sexually exciting to see a childs naked body.. so why!! I don't think I will ever understand that one.
All I do know is that the child will have a lifetime of fear, terror and nightmares because of what happened. It will affect every aspect of their lives including their own children if they have any. I know with myself it meant that I was over- protective with mine, I wouldn't let them out of my sight when they where younger, even now at 17 and 23 I worry everytime they are away from home. With my daughter I always vowed that if anyone ever hurt her the way I was hurt I would not hesitate to take action against them. I know non abused parents worry about their children as well, but most abuse survivors are worriers to the extent that they become paranoid about safety. When My main abuser was released from prison back in 1996 I received a telephone call from the Child Protection section of the police, he had been picked up for being drunk and disorderly and had told the officers that he was coming after me to clear his name, he claimed he could prove that I had lied in court? I was given a special phone number to call should he turn up, as my daughter was 14yr old at the time I had to warn her, she was and still is a spitting image of me when I was younger, he could easily recognise her if he saw her.. I had to show her pictures of him and tell her that if she saw him she had to go to the nearest house and call the police immediately... how many other parents have to go through this with their children? not that many I guess...
So although most people think that once the perpetrators of Abuse are locked up the victim can move on its not that easy because the memories are always there in the back of your head.. the slightest thing can bring them forward, like a sound, a smell, a touch even a TV programme... we can never get away from it.. As it turns out he didn't come to my house, we moved soon after receiving the call to a new area so that he couldn't find us.. but now many years later I have returned to my hometown, where it all happened. It wasnt an easy choice to make but I have two sisters living here and wanted to be near to them as I got older, I wanted the normal relationship that sisters have, something I'd lost when I ran away at 16yr old to get away from him..
I had spent many a lonely night after running away in a new place where I knew no one and no one knew me! I felt that it showed I had been abused, but of course I know now that it didn't, no one knew unless I told them and I wasn't going to do that, I wanted to be normal! My happiness was short lived however after I moved into a small flat on my own in South London.. I'd been living there about a year and had met my husband to be, the wedding was just weeks away.. sitting in my room one night I received a call from my fiance, we chatted about the wedding arrangements and such and then said goodnight, I went to go back to my room (the phone was out in the communal hallway) when this neighbour stood in front of me and blocked my way.. I was terrified.. all sort of emotions came up and for the first time in a long time I was scared, very scared. Thankfully another neighbour arrived home and said hello to me, I managed to pass this man and head to my room. In about 10 minutes or so I heard the phone ring again, then a knock at my door, thinking it was my fiance on the phone I went to answer the door, but there stood the neighbour who had blocked my way before! he forced himself into my room pushing me aside like I was nothing................
Will try to write more about that another day!

Well.. its been two days since I came in and wrote here! two days where I have re-lived the past both nights, having been triggered again..

Its just so not fair, all I can remember from last nights flashback is the pain, pain and pressure pushing up inside me to my stomach and the most horrendous stomach ache afterwards, then everything went green? I have no idea what the relevance of green is at this time but recently its what I see everytime I get a flashback. Even if I open my eyes I see green not the room I am in.. but just green everywhere. Its like I am blindfolded or something because there are no shapes that I can see and no people that I can hear! I know the flashback was Don again I could smell Him! and his cheap aftershave.. so I know now that he abused me many times, he raped me on any occassions as I grew up just like he did to my sister.

What kind of sick bastard is he? why would anyone want to hurt a child the way he hurt us? did he get some sort of warped pleasure from seeing us cry in pain? Did he find it attractive that as children we were not developed, had no pubic hair and no breasts? Was that what he fantasised about? I sometimes sit and wonder how many other children he abused? How many other people that are now adults have the scars that I have because of him? There are so many questions that go through my head all the time that I sometimes think I'm going crazy..

As I speak to my sister, who right now is very ill I think about the damage that he has caused, because of him and what he did, she got into the wrong crowd and started doing the drugs thing, as a result she now has Hepititus C and is receiving treatment, there is only a 30% chance that it will work for her and if it doesn't she will need a liver transplant or will die! the result of his abuse is so painful...... I could kill him!
This is the one sister who I can say truely understands me because she suffered at his hands sexually as well.. my other sisters don't really know what its like as they weren't sexually abused by him, they endured the other physical and verbal stuff but thats much easier to get over, It makes me sick when they tell me 'it's in the past, forget it and move on with your life'.. if only it was that fucking easy then I wouldn't be where I am today with a failed marriage behind me and on my own.. I honestly beleive that my marriage failed because I couldn't fully relax sexually, he didn't know about a lot of the things that went on because in his own way he was also abusive, controlling and such. If I had not suffered the Abuse maybe I wouldn't have married him! maybe I'd have waited until I found someone who really cared for me the right way, instead I married him because he was what I knew! I'd seen my mother put up with all sorts of abuse and bullying from her partners and I guess I thought that was the way it was... so I went for it as well and suffered as a result.

But thats what ABUSE does.. it confuses the child and makes them feel different things should be expected in life.. instead of us finding someone who really cares for us we tend to go with the first person who we think cares and often they trun out to be abusers also... as in my case and that of many other survivors I know...

Ok. Sunday evening and its been a week that I do not want to repeat in a hurry. A week of flashbacks and triggers.. Still recovering from the flashbacks the last few days and when messing about today with a friend I was triggered big time.. this makes me sick! why can't I have a normal relationship like everyone else? Because I have been abused as a child physically, mentally and sexually, my life has to be different from other people who haven't been there.. It's just not fair!
I can guarantee you that the bastard who did this to me lives a normal life now that he is out of prison, he can go around his business doing what normal people do and not have any thoughts of the past at all.. yet I have to live knowing that the slightest thing can cause a flashback or trigger.. when I get triggered I feel the pain just like I did at the time.. I feel the humiliation and anguish, the shame and embarrassement, the guilt and disgust.. but what does he feel? nothing!
Does that seem fair to you? My whole life has been ruined because some sick bastard couldn't keep his hands off me as a child, or keep his dick inside his trousers..because he decided it would be fun to have sex with a child I have been ruined.. all my life I will never forget what he did, everytime I get close to anyone sexually I can be triggered, ruining the pleasure for me and no doubt for whoever I am with. Sex is not a pleasure, never really has been unless I take care of myself, where I am in complete control of what happens and when.. even then sometimes I find myself feeling guilty for enjoying it.. why? I did nothing wrong at all! It's natural or so I'm told.. I put on a brave front a brave face to other people and convince them that I'm ok with it, when deep down inside, I feel dirty and used.
The questions that a survivor may ask herself are to numerous to mention, but the usual ones are, 'why didn''t I stop him, why did I enjoy it?, What could I do about it?' to name but a few.. do Non Abused people have to contend with these questions in their heads almost every day? I doubt it.. Here is a poem I wrote last year about coping with the flashbacks..

COPING WITH FLASHBACKS.


Flashbacks happening most everynight,
When they come I cower in fright.
Recalling the pain he put me through,
I just don't know what I'm going to do!
The image I see, the size of that man,
Knowing he's coming to do me harm.
I shiver, I shake I'm out of control,
Here right now, HE has the lead role.
If I can keep me here and now,
I know I'll get through, this somehow.
It isn't as easy as it used to be,
The memories now much clearer you see!
Explaining the feelings of what he did,
How it affected me as a kid.
I clearly see and feel that pain,
I can't go through it all again.
My fears emotions open wide,
The nights I've sat alone and cried.
No one else can see me like this,
When someones here, I give it a miss.
I can not let, people see me cry,
You may sit there, wondering why!
But if I cried when I was a child,
It meant more punishment, wasn't mild.
So here today! ---- I cry when alone,
My feelings emotions, a no go zone.

Ok..

Saturday morning and after a really bad night with a major flashback, I woke up at 10.30am.. I had been drinking last night which always seems to make the flashbacks much more vivid and harder to stop...
Today I have the most horrific stomach ache, I'm told it's most likely a 'body reaction' something most survivors suffer from after trauma.. Its not pleasant at all in fact it feels like everything in the flashback just happened yesterday!
The flashback was about the sexual abuse suffered as a child, from my step father, although he wasn't my step father at the time as mum and him didn't marry until I was almost 29yr old.. I still refer to him as my step dad because he was always around as I grew up.. I clearly remember the things happening in it, he was initially beating me and as I tried to get away he pulled me back.. The next thing I can remember is pain! horrific pain... in my stomach and private area's... then something pushing against me, force...... more pain..... more force and more pain........ struggling to breath...... weight on me..... he was on top!....... more pain....... feeling very scared, crying, terrified....... more pain!! I knew he was going to rape me again....... this wasnt the first time....... then I saw something green... I have no idea what it was, just lots of green........ lime green... in front of my face... everywhere was green.... more pain.... as he forced himself into me.....crying, him telling me to shut up! be quiet.... I'll wake the dead he said! Then I woke up crying, shaking, feeling scared, vunerable, unable to get to sleep for fear of going back there again... eventually I must have slept as I can't remember what happened next. This morning the stomach ache is making me feel vunerable again, I think when I go out later I may have problems if the shops are to crowded, but I need to go, I can't isolate myself from the world because of what happened in the past... I will not let him win anymore.. this is my life and I have to deal with the pain and hurt that he caused me and get on with my life to the best of my ability. I tried talking to my therapist about this yesterday and was unable to say the words, but intend to try again next week.. I have to deal with these memories in order to heal from them and move on.. and I will.......

Here I am again, having calmed down a bit after this mornings therapy session where I let off a bit of steam at the system.
I still feel very strongly that the victims of this awful crime are left alone as soon as sentence is passed, they are offered no help at all... I for one dealt with it initially by staying silent, by telling no one what had happened to me, by listening to the threats made that my Mum would be dead if I told anyone about what he was doing to us at home.. I placed all the pain in a box and shut the lid down tight, not daring to even think about it all.. but in doing that it only comes back to haunt me late at night, in my sleep in my dreams.. I will NEVER forget, but one day I hope to be able to put it behind me and live as near a normal life as possible, whatever normal is!
Since I got my computor just over 18 months ago and learnt how to get on line, with the help of my then 16yr old son, I found other survivors that understood just how I felt they to suffered the same pain and nightmares because of what they had experienced as children or even as adults. They understood why some nights I was to scared to go to sleep, afraid of what my dreams would reveal to me in the night.. I joined survivor groups on line and began for the first time to actually talk about what had happened to me! the releif at finding these people was amazing, finally I had found people who didn't judge me, didn't blame me and made me understand exactly where the blame and shame should be directed.. In time a friend and I set up our own group and tried to offer support as well as receive it.. we judge no one and listen as we hear some horrific stories. I started to write peotry as a way of expressing my hurt and pain and the response I got was amazing, people would comment 'Are you inside my head? thats exactly how I feel'. This fact astounded me to say the least and by May last year I had written enough poems to publish into a small book... I have now sold some 80 odd copies mainly to other survivors who said my poems helped them feel that they were no longer alone in their pain.. If they help just one person I am happy. To this day I still write poems and have enough now to probably do a second and third book.. its my way of releasing the pain and anger.. Maybe in a future blog I will put one or two up and see what people think.. ... we'll see eh!

Here I am again.. It's friday 15th September and I have just got back from therapy, I can honestly say that I hate fridays they are so hard nowadays because of what I need to do to get my life back.
I haven't been to therapy for some three weeks as she was on holiday, so I thought today would be easy ish!.. well I was wrong.. as usual.. I guess its her job to get me talking about things and I told her that I was now writing a blog here.. she asked me what sort of thing I wrote about and I was as honest with her as I could be, I said I'd written about my childhood and how some things were for me, how they felt back then and she asked me if I had written about the sexual abuse that I suffered! I had to admit I have written a little about it and that it was detailed about what happened, she asked me if I could tell her face to face and I said no.. for some reason when it comes to actually saying the things that happened I get like a lump in my throat and lose my voice.. I have no idea why as I know I did nothing wrong all those years ago.. he was in the wrong not me, I was just a child who's choices were taken away like so many others..
But! I said it was time, I felt to end the silence and make sure that people knew what it was like for the child, you hear so much about Child Abuse today in the news but very little is being done to help the children who suffer long term from it.. that's why I'm writing this blog.. to hopefully make people aware of the damage it does to the child.
I want to make it clear that just because the perpetrators of these horrendous crimes sometimes get caught and sent to prison that does NOT take away the pain or suffering the victims have to endure. We are left with lifelong scars and memories that tip many over the edge, many victims become suicidal and self harmers, turning their anger on themselves because they somehow beleive that they should have done something to stop it happening in the first place. For many years I felt that it was my own fault, I stayed away from men, boys etc and refused to get involved with anyone .. I didn't let anyone know what I had suffered at all until I was 32yr old... If I can find a way to make sure that children of today do not have to suffer that sort of long term pain then I will.. Jane (My therapist) asked me how does it feel knowing that anyone can read this diary? My honest answer was to say I'm not sure, I know some people will probably think I'm being to graffic when I write about the incidents in detail but how else am I supposed to deal with it all, I want to make people understand what it is like for people like me who many years later are still suffering in silence.. Some people will judge me or think that what I write can't possibly be true, but I assure you all this 'IS MY TRUTH'.. this is the life I led as a child when I had no choice... no way out, no one to listen or hear me crying, no one to hug me or show me what love is... even today as an adult I'm still not really sure what is love? I know I have love for my children and at one time Loved my ex, well I think I did... but did I really? That was just what I thought love was about but was I right? I'll not know until maybe at some time in the future, if and when I meet someone else who I can trust and be happy with..
The pain and suffering of an Abused Child is lifelong, yet the people who cause that pain are sent to prison if they are caught for a very short time, when released they get all the help they need to settle back into society, the victims! well as soon as the court case is over they are left to get on with it, no help is offered to them no councelling to help deal with it.. in fact we are left feeling that it wasn't worth the pain of going through it all again in court to get a measely sentence dished out by lenient judges who have no idea the amount of pain caused to us...
Enough for now... so angry at the system....... will try to write more later...

From writing the post the other day, I'm remembering more of the details of what happened to that day.

I have been feeling all the feelings once more.. as I lay down to sleep at night I see his face, I feel him touching me, I feel the fear that I felt that day.. thankfully during the daytime when there are things to do or people about I can somehow put the thoughts out of my mind.. but night time, when the house is silent, is totally different.. Its like I can't stop it I have no control over what my mind thinks about as I fall asleep..
When he came back that day and made me eat, with him watching me I was terrified I seemed to know what he was going to do even before he did it.. once we'd finished eating he removed the chip wrappers and dumped them on the floor, he'd made suggestions and made it clear to me what he wanted me to do for him, but I made excuses and went to the bathoom when I returned he was more brutal than before, he didn't persist with me giving him oral sex thank god, but he did make it clear what he wanted to do. He said 'lets finish what we started earlier'.. I said NO! but he made it clear that I had no choice... he began touching me and making comments about my body, how thin and small I was, and that I looked 'cute'.. before I could do anything at all he was on top of me trying again to penetrate, once again I tensed up and he couldn't do anything..
he moved to the side of me and started using his fingers saying that he needed to get me ready!.. It felt like no matter, that I didn't want to do, this my body was thinking differently, I started to get very calm and relaxed, I couldn't fight anymore I had no strength left.. then I felt something Pushing at me.. all the time I'd had my eyes closed as I didn't want to see what was happening to me..
I opened my eyes and saw that he had something in his hand, initially I didn't know what it was, but I soon found out! It was a beer bottle.......he pushed it in me............ I was crying the pain was so bad I didn't know what to do... he told me to 'shut the hell up, if anyone hears you they'll think I'm killing you' I tried to say it feels like you are but I couldn't utter a word. I'm not sure why but no words would come out at all, all I could do was cry... I don't know how long it went on for but remember it felt like hours and hours...eventually he got up and left me alone.. I went to the bathroom and ran a bath I felt so dirty and sore that I didn't know what to do with myself.....

Writing this now I am sitting here shaking and crying, I remember the pain of that day the way I felt and almost every word that he said to me.. Now some 30 odd years later the effects of that day are still with me, that was the start of the sexual abuse that I was to endure at his hands for a further two years before I found a way out of that house... I'll try to write some other instances at another time... I still had to contend with the physical and emotional abuse on an almost daily basis, throughout my time living there, which began when I was 5yr old and stopped when I left at 16 and half years old....

Hi.. Back again... it's now Wednesday and things here are calming down again..

After the flashback on saturday night I realised that my Mum most likely knew what was going on at home with my Step-father.. that hurt a lot, to know that she knew but did nothing! how could she? was she to scared of him? didn't she care about me? why did she let him return time and time again? I know I will never have the answers to these questions because she is dead now, so they will remain my silent torture...
The Abuse as a whole was always kept quiet, we told very few people what was going on and those we did tell did nothing about it, they either couldn't be bothered or didn't beleive us... why? as if a child would lie about such things. Our teachers didn't even question it when we were able to answer questions about sex in class, some things that back then a child wouldn't have known... but still it didn't set the alarm bells ringing or if it did they ignored the sounds..
I have the sounds of those days firmly in my head, I can remember them quite clearly most of the time and when I hear certain noises even today they take me back to that time and I re-live it all again and again.
The memories that I need to work through now are more about the fact that my Mother knew something was happening and did nothing.. how can a mother ignore the pain her children go through and turn a blind eye to it? I know if it was my childen I would do everything in my power to make it stop including banishing the guilty person from my house.. but I wasn't so lucky.. For some reason my Mother loved this Man, or so she said. In doing so she allowed him to beat and abuse all her children on a daily basis.. I have three sisters all older than me and a younger brother we were all abused by this man, he's beat us with anything he could lay his hands on from a slipper, a garden cane to even using his leather belt buckle end.. my brother has scars across his back even now from the beatings he endured.. my sisters and I all need therapy because of it and although only two of us were sexually abused and raped by him, he did try with the others but got disturbed so it never quite happened, thank god!..
The day he started on me sexually was in November 1974.. I had turned 14yr old in the August, my older sisters by this time had left home all except for one who was out for the day with friends, My Mum went with my grandmother to my uncles wedding and was due to be out all day so it was just him and me in the house... I'd been doing my chores and was upstairs re-making the beds when he called me into mums room... when I went in I found him laying naked on the bed, I went to leave thinking I'd interupted something.. being niave like I was back then I just turned tail and walked out, but he called me back! he told me to lie down with him, I said no! but he started shouting at me to lie down, to avoid a beating I did as he said, I had no choice.... Within minutes he was pulling at my clothes and removing my underwear... he started fiddling with my private parts and as much as I tried to get away he was just to big and strong for me to have any effect.. I tried closing my eyes so that I couldn't see him and all I could do was feel! I felt him trying to push something inside me at first I didnt realise what it was but I soon found out as he complained it wouldnt go in, he told me to relax, 'you'll enjoy it if you relax' he said! I was terrified I didn't know really what he was trying to do, but I do now! he was trying to rape me... but I got so tense and frightened that he was unsuccessful that time... I thought I was lucky, although I was still terrified I knew that he's probably try again another time, what I didn't realise was that he would try again later that same day.. he told me to stay where I was, he was going to get something to eat... to scared to move I stayed there, when he dressed and went out... I thought my ordeal was over, but how wrong was I?
Within what seemed like minutes he was back, he's been to the chip shop up the road and brought back some chips and sausages for himself and me.. he made me eat them as he watched me.. knowing that he would force feed me like he'd done in the past I tried to eat quickly as he sat there making comments about how I ate the sausage.. he said 'would you like to eat a real sausage like that' I asked what he meant and he said 'eat this one' he removed his trousers again and proceeded to try and get me to give him oral sex.... I said I needed the bathroom just to get away from him, I stayed in there for what seemed like hours and when I came out I thought he would have forgotten about it, but I was wrong.. he called me back into the room and told me to get into bed.... sorry can't write anymore just now, will try to continue later..

Now Monday.. and I am still feeling the effects of the flashback on saturday night.. feeling very insecure and edgy..why does it have to be like this? Every survivor that I know experiences similar things as they try to work their way through what happened to them, be it as a child or as an adult.
Unless you have been there yourself it is very difficult to understand the pain and sorrow that we feel, the constant feeling of being let down by the people who are supposed to have cared for and loved us!.
With this blog space I want to try and help others understand just what it is like living through the Abuse and the aftermath of it, it affects almost everything I do, I have a great deal of difficulty letting anyone get close to me, I cannot trust easily because deep down inside I am always wary that anyone I let in will somehow hurt me like in the past, I am getting better at trusting now, as I work through these feelings with my therapist I am trying to understand why this happens the way it does.
I trusted my Mother with my life as a child, I had no choice in that, but she let me down big time, she didn't keep me safe as a normal mother should, didn't protect me against that evil man who did e harm and rarely showed me any love at all... I have written many poems about my childhood and the feelings it has brought up for me and no doubt as I work through and remember more I will most likely write more.
Writing is the one way that I seem able to get my feelings out, to speak to someone about it all face to face is so hard, I guess I still in some way feel ashamed about what happened. I no longer blame myself as I know now that as a child I had no control over it at all... but the shame lingers on, if I tell someone can I do it without breaking down in tears? NO! Can I tell without my emotions being upset and me being 'triggered'? NO!.. Because of this it is so hard for any survivor to talk openly about their lives.... nothing unusual in that I hear you say, but there is! can you the non abused openly talk to your friends about all sorts of things? can you be close to men without feeling afraid and scared, wondering what they will do to you if they get you alone? because I can't!..
I want to be 'normal' whatever that is, I want to be able to sleep at night without the nightmares and dreams and flashbacks, I want to wake up feeling refreshed instead of feeling worn out and scared... when is this likely to happen? I have no idea!

Hello..

It's now Sunday 10th September and things carry on as before, I survived the initial abuse as a child but the lasting effects are life long.. Most people do not realise the effect abuse has on people. But I do as it has so far affected me all my adult life. I frequently get flashbacks about my childhood and the things that I endured during that time.

In fact I had one such flashback last night, I was back there aged about 14yr or so and my Step father was shouting at me like his life depended on it, I have no idea what I'm supposed to have done wrong but I can remember feeling very scared.. I was told by him to go up to my room, my mum did not intervene at all, she just sat quietly in the lounge room saying nothing at all..
Once I got upstairs he came up as well, still shouting at me and calling me useless! the next thing I can remember is him being on top of me and I was getting the most horrendous pain in my stomach, I couldn't breath my chest hurt so much, whether that was because of his size (he was a big guy, at least 16 stones) or not I don't know... I do know that he raped me that day, I was crying and calling out for my mum but she didn't come to help me. Had he threatened her as well? I know he'd told me never to tell anyone about what he was doing, if I did he said he would kill my Mum! So for many years I kept quiet I told no one... This haunts me to this very day!

Once I did tell about what he's done when I was 32yr old the police took it seriously, very seriously.. we had a trial and he was eventually sentenced to serve 9yrs in prison for what he'd done to us all.. but typical of the laws in this world he only served 4 years before he was released back into the community, he isn't even on the Sex Offenders register as that didn't start until the year after his release.... so basically he can go about his life as if nothing has happened at all and we the victims are left to deal with the memories of what we went through, how unjust is that?

Why is it that the victims of this horrendous crime get no help at all in this society to deal with it? we get no offer at all of councelling, in fact once I'd done my bit in court I was left to get on with it all by myself, for many years, because I was in an abusive relationship at the time I just buried it deep inside my head, I tried to forget it all, but you can't I realise that now! eventually at some point in the future when the victim is finally free from abuse the memories come back, they haunt us at night, we have nightmares, flashbacks and terrors even body reactions which I am getting a bit today, I have the most horrible stomach ache that just will not go away.. how long it will last I have no idea.. I try to remember that these feelings belong in the past they're not happening now but its not always that easy to do! Sometimes when I am especially tired or when I've had a drink the flashbacks are worse and more detailed than ever... it is so hard to stay in the hear and now.. I know some people will tell me that a flasback is my minds way of telling me that I am ready to remember, but why does it have to hurt so much? why does it have to feel like I'm back there experiencing it all again? how can I move on with my life when I feel so scared and alone all the time?

What are the authorities doing for the victims? I'll tell you .... NOTHING! we are expected to just get on with it alone and if we need help through therapy then we have to pay a lot of money to get it, there is nothing out there, we can go to rape crisis and such charities but they do not have the resources to help us all, so many either go without the help they so desperately need or struggle to pay for it like I'm having to do... its not right..

This space will detail as much as I can about my survival. I have gotten through many things in my life so far including Childhood Abuse, being Abused as an adult and much more..
Here I will try to tell my story from as far back as I can remember, I may or may not go into detail it depends on what space I'm in at the time of writing it, but now at 47yr old I am having a lot of memories coming forward, regressed memories of my childhood and things that happened to myself and my siblings.. I am now in a position to try and deal with what happened to me all those years ago and this is my way of getting the feelings out. The feeling of a childhood living in fear of HIM coming home, the feelings of terror at mealtimes as I grew to know what to expect from him, my feeling of self hate, beleiving that I was a bad child and deserved nothing better from life.. the fear of a child growing up in an abusive home where by the age of 14yr He had begun to abuse me sexually as well as physically and emotionally and NO ONE noticed? How I tried to tell teachers at school what was going on, how NO ONE listened to me or my siblings, how my Sister told the POLICE and still they beleaved HIM over us! This is not going to be an easy thing for me to write, but over the next few months I will do what I can each day.

Starting today Thursday September 7th 2006.. I'll begin..

Most of what I can remember started when I was about 5yr old, when my parents separated and mum left myself and my siblings in Scotland with our father and moved to England. We were to follow a few months later once she was settled in a new home. In November 1964 I was told that at last I was going to join Mumand my two older sisters in England,They had moved down a month before us, we (my sister and brother and myself) were put on a plane by Social Services and met at Gatwick Airport by Mum and her friend.
I remember the plane journey, I was sick all the way, whether it was from exitement or the fact of flying for the first time I do not know but I recall being sick and feeling awful all the way there. Mum told us that this man was her new Boyfriend, his name was Don! He'd given her a lift to collect us and take us to our new home in Sussex. All the way there in his car I was sick, with my head hanging out of the window as he didn't want me being sick in the car and refused to stop, he was constantly shouting at me not to make a mess or I'd have to clean it up! I was 5years old.. the journey took just over two hours!
I seemed to know straight away that this man was not going to be easy to have around, he wasn't very welcoming, here we were three young children just taken away from our father and the only culture We'd ever known to be placed in this strange town with people who didn't understand what we were saying, they didn't even try! all of us were put in the same class at school as even the teachers couldn't understand us... Don became an almost permenant fixture in our house when he wasn't going back to his own family and childen.. when he was at ours he was very strict if we did anything wrong he's often punish us severely using sticks, slippers and even his belt to hit us with. Mealtimes where a particular torture for me I was a slow eater and he didn't like it at all, he decided that I needed to learn how to eat properly so every mealtime as soon as he'd finished his he would start shouting at me 'to eat up'! If I didn't finish eating in the time he'd set he would force feed me, holding my nose closed so that I had to open my mouth to breath and when I did he would force a forkful of food in, I didnt dare gag or start to choke as he would then lash out and hit me making me cry and that just made things worse.. after a few months of that I realised that no matter what I did I couldn't please this man, he was always angry at one of us for some reason or other...
Mealtimes became a torture and I would often misbehave in other ways to try and be sent to bed without dinner as that was less painful, I'd rather be hungry than be force fed by him.. my siblings would always try to bring me something even if it was only a slice of bread and butter anything was better than his punishments at the table. I remember one day in particular, I was about 6yr old, when I guess he'd had a bad day at work, he came home in a foul mood and because we hadn't finished our set chores he got angry at us all, he made us all sit on the sofa and one by one questioned us as to who had been meant to do what job that day, mine had been to clear the fire grate and I hadn't finished it when he got back, that meant a beating, in front of everyone else including my younger brother. I was made to remove my underwear and bend over his knee where he hit me about six times with his belt buckle end, to teach me that chores came first... but like any child I didn't learn that way! he ruled the house with an iron rod..By the time I was about 6yr old Mum had adapted to his way of punishement, she would also hit us with a slipper or bamboo cane if we misbehaved or got home after the curfew time of 7pm.. She had been force feeding me for quite a long time beleaving his idea's worked. She was easily influenced by him and I now beleive she was actually scared of him, doing everything he suggested as if it was the norm!.
It took a long time for me to realise that not all children were treated like this at home, some were actually loved by their parents and shown that love, but not in my household as I found out what life was really like at a very early age.. One of my older sisters was constantly ill, mum was always calling out the doctor to her in the middle of the night as she was doubled up screaming in pain in her tummy, the doctors would always say she was constipated but now I know it was because he was abusing her sexually by the time she was 8yr old! This man was a nightmare for any child to have around, a phaedophile as I now know!

I will write more another day and tell this space the sort of things he would do and say to us as we grew up... Four young girls and our younger Brother lived a life of fear from him and he made sure we knew who was the boss!!