Another day in my life as a survivor....

In a post I made a few days ago I said that I would try to write how it was telling my husband about the Abuse I'd suffered as a child. I can tell you it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.
When I got back from giving my evidence in court, he had read the letter I'd left on his pillow, in that letter I'd detailed exactly what I was going to be telling the court, about how the sexual Abuse had all started at the age of just 14 years and how it continued until I was 16 and a half... when I left home. The very first time was when my Mum had gone to her brothers wedding, I was alone in the house with him.. I'll not put the details here again as I think I have previously.. My husband asked me what sort of thing he did to me as I grew up, and when I told him he'd raped me several times the look on his face was one of disgust! I'm not sure if it was directed towards me or at him, but it was there all the same. This made me regret telling him as I wasn't sure how he now looked a me, I knew it wasn't my fault the police had made that part very clear to me, but now the court case was over I was left to deal with it all alone. I thought by telling my husband I would get some support from him! but no! he never mentioned it again after that day.. His attitude towards me changed and he didn't seem to care at all anymore.. I was left feeling that all the pain and upset of going to court was a waste of time, a good friend of mine at the time offered to take me back to court for the verdict on the friday and I was grateful for that, somehow I'd thought that maybe my husband would have come with me and supported me but no, a friend had to do it instead.
We left my home in london at 7am on the friday and headed down south to the court, arriving at about 9.30am.. court had already started when we arrived and they were just having the judges summing up.. then the jury retired to decide its verdict.. I prayed and prayed that morning that the jury had beleived us all.. none of my sisters or brother were there I was alone with my friend.. the police advised us to go and get some lunch and return for 1pm.. when we got back court was already in session again.. the jury had come back with a guilty verdict on all counts.. he had been charged with 9 offences and was sentenced to 9years in prison for each of them to run concurrently! what a farse.. it meant he'd be lucky to serve 4 yrs.. with a nine year sentence they immediately take a third off.. which left him 6 yrs. then another third is removed for good behaviour! so down to four years.. as if he could molest any children in prison! there aren't any children in the prison that he could access so of course he would behave!.. anyways as I heard the verdict I started to cry, releived that at least we had been beleived, I went to call my sisters who were all waiting for the news.. whilst I was on the phone to them My step fathers son came down from the public gallery and said he was going to get me! he would make me pay as his dad had done nothing wrong, and didn't deserve to go to prison? Luckily my friend saw this threat and called the police officer over, they removed him and told me to leave immediately for my own safety, they would hold him down in the police cells for one hour to allow me time to get out of the area.. I left and went back home to my family..
There were no celebrations at all, my husbands comment was 'well thats all over with now we can get on with life' If only it was that fucking easy, no survivor would need help years later! None of us would struggle with the memories or flashbacks as we re live it all time and again.. no survivor would try to take their own lives, or end up in psychiatric wards of hospitals needing help to deal with the pain and trauma that they suffered. I have met many survivors on the web from all over the world and some of the stories I have heard would make you cringe.. there are some horrific tales out there waiting for someone somewhere to listen to them and get things done to ensure that the perpetrators of this crime are brought to justice and punished severely, 4 years in prison is definately not enough considering we got a lifetime of pain and memories!

Nowadays he lives not that far from me, he lives a normal life with all the help the state could give him upon his release, he was housed, given money to live on and help finding employment! do we get that? NO.. we are expected to just forget and move on.. we are not offered any help at all, no councelling no one to talk to, we are left to our own devices and if we get it wrong then tough!.. is that fair? The criminal gets help the victim gets nothing! The justice system in this country stinks there is no justice!.