The evening after therapy is quite often very hard for a survivor, especially if they have been talking about specific incidents like I was doing today!..
Initially I left the session and sat in my car crying, as I realised what we had talked about, after a few minutes I composed myself and went to meet a friend for a coffee.. I put things out of my mind and tried to carry on as normal, but its not that easy... everything is fresh in my head once more and to try and distract myself I go on line and play games.. depending on what the session has been about this can sometimes work, but not today I just can't concentrate at all on anything, My therapist wants to work her way through my book over the next few weeks and to be perfectly honest I am terrified! I really don't know how I will react as we talk in detail about some of the poems and what made me write them at the time.. I clearly remember some of them were written at my lowest ebb, when I was unable to sleep at like 3/4am.. everytime I tried to sleep i would get flashbacks and nightmares about what had happened and it was suggested to me that I try to write them out.. the only way I knew how was to write a poem about it all, and one became two became three.... before I knew it I had written over a hundred of them, A friend who I'd met on line asked me if I would consider writing some for her about her life and abuse and I said I'd try, Initially I did 7 poems for her and these are in the back of the book... but after that was published I did a few more up to date ones for her.. they were very triggering for me to write as I often recalled my own abuse when writing for her.. Today she is still struggling like I am with the memories that haunt her and I wish I could take her pain away.
I have been told today that I have a way with words and through my writing am able to get across the pain and feelings of the survivor, I hope so!.. here is another poem I wrote about my Abuse as a Child;

Its called 'Hidden Memories'

Hidden memories, buried so deep,
So often the thoughts, make me weep.
Locked down tight, for many a year,
My deepest, darkest, coldest fear!
Now in my future, unlock the thought,
Remembering the evil, I was taught.
Work my way through, know what they did,
When I was an adult, when I was a kid.
Memories so painful, can they be right?
Why didn't I put up, a bigger fight?
Scared and frightened, no one to hear,
The reasons why I, didn't want him near!
The pain that I felt, I can now see,
The damage he did to the 'little me'.
But! I'm moving forward, I'm going to heal,
I made a pact with myself, I made a deal.
I can now cope with a hug and a kiss,
One thing as a child, that was amiss.
A childhood of horror, a childhood of pain,
I will not ever suffer that way again!

I wrote this poem last year when a lot of memories of my childhood began to come back to me at night, It is my way of saying that I will not allow this to happen to me again.. I so hope I am right!..