From writing the post the other day, I'm remembering more of the details of what happened to that day.

I have been feeling all the feelings once more.. as I lay down to sleep at night I see his face, I feel him touching me, I feel the fear that I felt that day.. thankfully during the daytime when there are things to do or people about I can somehow put the thoughts out of my mind.. but night time, when the house is silent, is totally different.. Its like I can't stop it I have no control over what my mind thinks about as I fall asleep..
When he came back that day and made me eat, with him watching me I was terrified I seemed to know what he was going to do even before he did it.. once we'd finished eating he removed the chip wrappers and dumped them on the floor, he'd made suggestions and made it clear to me what he wanted me to do for him, but I made excuses and went to the bathoom when I returned he was more brutal than before, he didn't persist with me giving him oral sex thank god, but he did make it clear what he wanted to do. He said 'lets finish what we started earlier'.. I said NO! but he made it clear that I had no choice... he began touching me and making comments about my body, how thin and small I was, and that I looked 'cute'.. before I could do anything at all he was on top of me trying again to penetrate, once again I tensed up and he couldn't do anything..
he moved to the side of me and started using his fingers saying that he needed to get me ready!.. It felt like no matter, that I didn't want to do, this my body was thinking differently, I started to get very calm and relaxed, I couldn't fight anymore I had no strength left.. then I felt something Pushing at me.. all the time I'd had my eyes closed as I didn't want to see what was happening to me..
I opened my eyes and saw that he had something in his hand, initially I didn't know what it was, but I soon found out! It was a beer bottle.......he pushed it in me............ I was crying the pain was so bad I didn't know what to do... he told me to 'shut the hell up, if anyone hears you they'll think I'm killing you' I tried to say it feels like you are but I couldn't utter a word. I'm not sure why but no words would come out at all, all I could do was cry... I don't know how long it went on for but remember it felt like hours and hours...eventually he got up and left me alone.. I went to the bathroom and ran a bath I felt so dirty and sore that I didn't know what to do with myself.....

Writing this now I am sitting here shaking and crying, I remember the pain of that day the way I felt and almost every word that he said to me.. Now some 30 odd years later the effects of that day are still with me, that was the start of the sexual abuse that I was to endure at his hands for a further two years before I found a way out of that house... I'll try to write some other instances at another time... I still had to contend with the physical and emotional abuse on an almost daily basis, throughout my time living there, which began when I was 5yr old and stopped when I left at 16 and half years old....