Hello..

It's now Sunday 10th September and things carry on as before, I survived the initial abuse as a child but the lasting effects are life long.. Most people do not realise the effect abuse has on people. But I do as it has so far affected me all my adult life. I frequently get flashbacks about my childhood and the things that I endured during that time.

In fact I had one such flashback last night, I was back there aged about 14yr or so and my Step father was shouting at me like his life depended on it, I have no idea what I'm supposed to have done wrong but I can remember feeling very scared.. I was told by him to go up to my room, my mum did not intervene at all, she just sat quietly in the lounge room saying nothing at all..
Once I got upstairs he came up as well, still shouting at me and calling me useless! the next thing I can remember is him being on top of me and I was getting the most horrendous pain in my stomach, I couldn't breath my chest hurt so much, whether that was because of his size (he was a big guy, at least 16 stones) or not I don't know... I do know that he raped me that day, I was crying and calling out for my mum but she didn't come to help me. Had he threatened her as well? I know he'd told me never to tell anyone about what he was doing, if I did he said he would kill my Mum! So for many years I kept quiet I told no one... This haunts me to this very day!

Once I did tell about what he's done when I was 32yr old the police took it seriously, very seriously.. we had a trial and he was eventually sentenced to serve 9yrs in prison for what he'd done to us all.. but typical of the laws in this world he only served 4 years before he was released back into the community, he isn't even on the Sex Offenders register as that didn't start until the year after his release.... so basically he can go about his life as if nothing has happened at all and we the victims are left to deal with the memories of what we went through, how unjust is that?

Why is it that the victims of this horrendous crime get no help at all in this society to deal with it? we get no offer at all of councelling, in fact once I'd done my bit in court I was left to get on with it all by myself, for many years, because I was in an abusive relationship at the time I just buried it deep inside my head, I tried to forget it all, but you can't I realise that now! eventually at some point in the future when the victim is finally free from abuse the memories come back, they haunt us at night, we have nightmares, flashbacks and terrors even body reactions which I am getting a bit today, I have the most horrible stomach ache that just will not go away.. how long it will last I have no idea.. I try to remember that these feelings belong in the past they're not happening now but its not always that easy to do! Sometimes when I am especially tired or when I've had a drink the flashbacks are worse and more detailed than ever... it is so hard to stay in the hear and now.. I know some people will tell me that a flasback is my minds way of telling me that I am ready to remember, but why does it have to hurt so much? why does it have to feel like I'm back there experiencing it all again? how can I move on with my life when I feel so scared and alone all the time?

What are the authorities doing for the victims? I'll tell you .... NOTHING! we are expected to just get on with it alone and if we need help through therapy then we have to pay a lot of money to get it, there is nothing out there, we can go to rape crisis and such charities but they do not have the resources to help us all, so many either go without the help they so desperately need or struggle to pay for it like I'm having to do... its not right..