Here I am again, having calmed down a bit after this mornings therapy session where I let off a bit of steam at the system.
I still feel very strongly that the victims of this awful crime are left alone as soon as sentence is passed, they are offered no help at all... I for one dealt with it initially by staying silent, by telling no one what had happened to me, by listening to the threats made that my Mum would be dead if I told anyone about what he was doing to us at home.. I placed all the pain in a box and shut the lid down tight, not daring to even think about it all.. but in doing that it only comes back to haunt me late at night, in my sleep in my dreams.. I will NEVER forget, but one day I hope to be able to put it behind me and live as near a normal life as possible, whatever normal is!
Since I got my computor just over 18 months ago and learnt how to get on line, with the help of my then 16yr old son, I found other survivors that understood just how I felt they to suffered the same pain and nightmares because of what they had experienced as children or even as adults. They understood why some nights I was to scared to go to sleep, afraid of what my dreams would reveal to me in the night.. I joined survivor groups on line and began for the first time to actually talk about what had happened to me! the releif at finding these people was amazing, finally I had found people who didn't judge me, didn't blame me and made me understand exactly where the blame and shame should be directed.. In time a friend and I set up our own group and tried to offer support as well as receive it.. we judge no one and listen as we hear some horrific stories. I started to write peotry as a way of expressing my hurt and pain and the response I got was amazing, people would comment 'Are you inside my head? thats exactly how I feel'. This fact astounded me to say the least and by May last year I had written enough poems to publish into a small book... I have now sold some 80 odd copies mainly to other survivors who said my poems helped them feel that they were no longer alone in their pain.. If they help just one person I am happy. To this day I still write poems and have enough now to probably do a second and third book.. its my way of releasing the pain and anger.. Maybe in a future blog I will put one or two up and see what people think.. ... we'll see eh!