Here I am again.. It's friday 15th September and I have just got back from therapy, I can honestly say that I hate fridays they are so hard nowadays because of what I need to do to get my life back.
I haven't been to therapy for some three weeks as she was on holiday, so I thought today would be easy ish!.. well I was wrong.. as usual.. I guess its her job to get me talking about things and I told her that I was now writing a blog here.. she asked me what sort of thing I wrote about and I was as honest with her as I could be, I said I'd written about my childhood and how some things were for me, how they felt back then and she asked me if I had written about the sexual abuse that I suffered! I had to admit I have written a little about it and that it was detailed about what happened, she asked me if I could tell her face to face and I said no.. for some reason when it comes to actually saying the things that happened I get like a lump in my throat and lose my voice.. I have no idea why as I know I did nothing wrong all those years ago.. he was in the wrong not me, I was just a child who's choices were taken away like so many others..
But! I said it was time, I felt to end the silence and make sure that people knew what it was like for the child, you hear so much about Child Abuse today in the news but very little is being done to help the children who suffer long term from it.. that's why I'm writing this blog.. to hopefully make people aware of the damage it does to the child.
I want to make it clear that just because the perpetrators of these horrendous crimes sometimes get caught and sent to prison that does NOT take away the pain or suffering the victims have to endure. We are left with lifelong scars and memories that tip many over the edge, many victims become suicidal and self harmers, turning their anger on themselves because they somehow beleive that they should have done something to stop it happening in the first place. For many years I felt that it was my own fault, I stayed away from men, boys etc and refused to get involved with anyone .. I didn't let anyone know what I had suffered at all until I was 32yr old... If I can find a way to make sure that children of today do not have to suffer that sort of long term pain then I will.. Jane (My therapist) asked me how does it feel knowing that anyone can read this diary? My honest answer was to say I'm not sure, I know some people will probably think I'm being to graffic when I write about the incidents in detail but how else am I supposed to deal with it all, I want to make people understand what it is like for people like me who many years later are still suffering in silence.. Some people will judge me or think that what I write can't possibly be true, but I assure you all this 'IS MY TRUTH'.. this is the life I led as a child when I had no choice... no way out, no one to listen or hear me crying, no one to hug me or show me what love is... even today as an adult I'm still not really sure what is love? I know I have love for my children and at one time Loved my ex, well I think I did... but did I really? That was just what I thought love was about but was I right? I'll not know until maybe at some time in the future, if and when I meet someone else who I can trust and be happy with..
The pain and suffering of an Abused Child is lifelong, yet the people who cause that pain are sent to prison if they are caught for a very short time, when released they get all the help they need to settle back into society, the victims! well as soon as the court case is over they are left to get on with it, no help is offered to them no councelling to help deal with it.. in fact we are left feeling that it wasn't worth the pain of going through it all again in court to get a measely sentence dished out by lenient judges who have no idea the amount of pain caused to us...
Enough for now... so angry at the system....... will try to write more later...