Hi.. Back again... it's now Wednesday and things here are calming down again..

After the flashback on saturday night I realised that my Mum most likely knew what was going on at home with my Step-father.. that hurt a lot, to know that she knew but did nothing! how could she? was she to scared of him? didn't she care about me? why did she let him return time and time again? I know I will never have the answers to these questions because she is dead now, so they will remain my silent torture...
The Abuse as a whole was always kept quiet, we told very few people what was going on and those we did tell did nothing about it, they either couldn't be bothered or didn't beleive us... why? as if a child would lie about such things. Our teachers didn't even question it when we were able to answer questions about sex in class, some things that back then a child wouldn't have known... but still it didn't set the alarm bells ringing or if it did they ignored the sounds..
I have the sounds of those days firmly in my head, I can remember them quite clearly most of the time and when I hear certain noises even today they take me back to that time and I re-live it all again and again.
The memories that I need to work through now are more about the fact that my Mother knew something was happening and did nothing.. how can a mother ignore the pain her children go through and turn a blind eye to it? I know if it was my childen I would do everything in my power to make it stop including banishing the guilty person from my house.. but I wasn't so lucky.. For some reason my Mother loved this Man, or so she said. In doing so she allowed him to beat and abuse all her children on a daily basis.. I have three sisters all older than me and a younger brother we were all abused by this man, he's beat us with anything he could lay his hands on from a slipper, a garden cane to even using his leather belt buckle end.. my brother has scars across his back even now from the beatings he endured.. my sisters and I all need therapy because of it and although only two of us were sexually abused and raped by him, he did try with the others but got disturbed so it never quite happened, thank god!..
The day he started on me sexually was in November 1974.. I had turned 14yr old in the August, my older sisters by this time had left home all except for one who was out for the day with friends, My Mum went with my grandmother to my uncles wedding and was due to be out all day so it was just him and me in the house... I'd been doing my chores and was upstairs re-making the beds when he called me into mums room... when I went in I found him laying naked on the bed, I went to leave thinking I'd interupted something.. being niave like I was back then I just turned tail and walked out, but he called me back! he told me to lie down with him, I said no! but he started shouting at me to lie down, to avoid a beating I did as he said, I had no choice.... Within minutes he was pulling at my clothes and removing my underwear... he started fiddling with my private parts and as much as I tried to get away he was just to big and strong for me to have any effect.. I tried closing my eyes so that I couldn't see him and all I could do was feel! I felt him trying to push something inside me at first I didnt realise what it was but I soon found out as he complained it wouldnt go in, he told me to relax, 'you'll enjoy it if you relax' he said! I was terrified I didn't know really what he was trying to do, but I do now! he was trying to rape me... but I got so tense and frightened that he was unsuccessful that time... I thought I was lucky, although I was still terrified I knew that he's probably try again another time, what I didn't realise was that he would try again later that same day.. he told me to stay where I was, he was going to get something to eat... to scared to move I stayed there, when he dressed and went out... I thought my ordeal was over, but how wrong was I?
Within what seemed like minutes he was back, he's been to the chip shop up the road and brought back some chips and sausages for himself and me.. he made me eat them as he watched me.. knowing that he would force feed me like he'd done in the past I tried to eat quickly as he sat there making comments about how I ate the sausage.. he said 'would you like to eat a real sausage like that' I asked what he meant and he said 'eat this one' he removed his trousers again and proceeded to try and get me to give him oral sex.... I said I needed the bathroom just to get away from him, I stayed in there for what seemed like hours and when I came out I thought he would have forgotten about it, but I was wrong.. he called me back into the room and told me to get into bed.... sorry can't write anymore just now, will try to continue later..