Its friday again.. and normally I would be heading off to therapy this morning, but My sister needs my help today so I have had to cancel.

My sister has had a bad fall and damaged her spine, resulting in a crushed vertabrae.. painful eh!.. and concussion. She has been mentally ill for many years due to the Abuse she suffered as a child, she got into the wrong crowd of people as a way out and started on the drugs and such. For many years she was addicted to all sorts, and as a result of that now needs help with everyday tasks, things we take for granted like showering, housework and cooking a meal, she is unable to do by herself.. so she has carers coming in everyday but they haven't been doing the job properly, she told me last night that she has not showered for nearly 4 months? The carer refuses to help her as they need to do a risk assessment first? why has this not been done already? I intend to find out today we have a big meeting with the head of the carers department and I'm going to rip them off a shread or two. I'm in the right mood today as I'm still in a lot of pain with my tooth and haven't slept very well for days now.. not a good time to upset me I can tell you!

If I don't like the answers they give me today I think my sister will be getting new carers.. but I'm hopeful that they see what has gone wrong here and promise to change it for her! She needs to be more forthright in telling them what she needs and making sure that they do their jobs properly. She won't let family members do these things for her as she is to embarrassed understandably.. after all I'm her little sister.. But it means that I have had to cancel my therapy today to be at the meeting to give her some support.

I knew therapy today was going to be hard for me as we were meant to be working our way through my book of poems in the hope that it would help me to talk about things easier. But now its getting delayed for another week! There is so much that I need to work through in therapy that I can see me being there for years at this rate.. Its so hard to talk openly about the Abuse especially the Sexual Abuse even with a therapist that I've been going to for just over a year. Don't get me wrong I know I can trust her, the problem is that I know when I talk about it face to face with anyone I tend to get very emotional and upset, often disolveing into tears and I hate to let people see me cry! When I was a child and was hit, if I cried it meant that I got hit again, I know my therapist wouldn't do this but talking and getting those feelings is so hard to control! I can't seem to stop myself from crying everytime I try to talk about stuff! I have a very dear friend who I try to talk to but even with her I can only talk about certain things face to face, we often result in talking on line in seperate rooms so that she can't see me, somehow that makes it a bit easier. I know she is here if I need a hug afterwards but I just can't talk face to face about the really hard stuff.... Sexual Abuse must be one of the hardest things in the world to talk about especially if your talking from experience of it? hopefully one day soon I will be able to be open about it and actually say the words out loud!
A few months ago I had to go and give one of my sisters some bad news and we got talking in her kitchen, her husband and daughter were there also and suddenly I found myself shouting out that I had been raped by our stap father several times! Her husband was amazing and gave me a hug saying he was sorry I had been through that, but my sister just sat there, no reaction at all and said nothing at either.. That hurt! I sort of expected her to say something to me, to maybe give me a hug at least and say it would be ok? but no reaction at all.. I didn't and don't want sympathy from anyone, what happened, happened and nothing now can change that but as I try to deal with it, at this point in my life a little understanding from my siblings would be good! The only one who really understands me is the one I am going to see today, because she has been there as well, she knows just how I feel and is now able to talk to me a little about what went on as we grew up with that Man around. The others just tell me 'its in the past, forget it and move on' if only it was that easy!' They have both been in therapy as they say, well six or eight sessions, and claim to have dealt with it all, they comment about the fact that I still go one year on! but I have so much to deal with and don't intend to rush it as that wouldn't do me any favours in the long run would it?
Oh well.. I miss a session today and will have to try and carry it on again next week! wish me luck helping my sister ... will write more another day!!