It's now sunday afternoon and althought therapy was two days ago some of the things we spoke about are still very clear in my mind.. that last time ever with Don was a very painful experience, hence my need to get away from there.. even though I had no idea at the time how difficult it would be on my own anything was better than enduing that again.. the memories of how it felt for me are still vey clear and I often wonder if he feels sorry for what he did that particular day! In fact because he was and is a paedophile the only regret he probably has is that fact that by doing what he did that day he lost me for ever....
I wonder how does he live with himself? did he ever tell my Mother what he had done to her children? If he did why didn't she do something about it? or did she beleive that it was ok for children, her children to be abused like she was? When I did finally tell her about it all when I was 32yr old he admitted to me that he used to rape her on a regular basis... the evil bastard that he was, she was terrified of him, but I think more terrified of being on her own with her 5 children that she accepted whatever he did to us as being ok.. She couldn't really have cared much for any of us I guess.. as long as she had a man in her life whatever they did to us was acceptable by her standards.. I'm starting to really hate her for that, but can't even vent out my anger as she is no longer living on this earth!.. I have to keep these feelings to myself once more and learn to live with them all the best way I can...
I will write more here again tomorrow about how all this really feels for the child as it happens and now how it is affecting me and my life as an adult...
watch this space!!