Now Monday.. and I am still feeling the effects of the flashback on saturday night.. feeling very insecure and edgy..why does it have to be like this? Every survivor that I know experiences similar things as they try to work their way through what happened to them, be it as a child or as an adult.
Unless you have been there yourself it is very difficult to understand the pain and sorrow that we feel, the constant feeling of being let down by the people who are supposed to have cared for and loved us!.
With this blog space I want to try and help others understand just what it is like living through the Abuse and the aftermath of it, it affects almost everything I do, I have a great deal of difficulty letting anyone get close to me, I cannot trust easily because deep down inside I am always wary that anyone I let in will somehow hurt me like in the past, I am getting better at trusting now, as I work through these feelings with my therapist I am trying to understand why this happens the way it does.
I trusted my Mother with my life as a child, I had no choice in that, but she let me down big time, she didn't keep me safe as a normal mother should, didn't protect me against that evil man who did e harm and rarely showed me any love at all... I have written many poems about my childhood and the feelings it has brought up for me and no doubt as I work through and remember more I will most likely write more.
Writing is the one way that I seem able to get my feelings out, to speak to someone about it all face to face is so hard, I guess I still in some way feel ashamed about what happened. I no longer blame myself as I know now that as a child I had no control over it at all... but the shame lingers on, if I tell someone can I do it without breaking down in tears? NO! Can I tell without my emotions being upset and me being 'triggered'? NO!.. Because of this it is so hard for any survivor to talk openly about their lives.... nothing unusual in that I hear you say, but there is! can you the non abused openly talk to your friends about all sorts of things? can you be close to men without feeling afraid and scared, wondering what they will do to you if they get you alone? because I can't!..
I want to be 'normal' whatever that is, I want to be able to sleep at night without the nightmares and dreams and flashbacks, I want to wake up feeling refreshed instead of feeling worn out and scared... when is this likely to happen? I have no idea!