Ok..

Saturday morning and after a really bad night with a major flashback, I woke up at 10.30am.. I had been drinking last night which always seems to make the flashbacks much more vivid and harder to stop...
Today I have the most horrific stomach ache, I'm told it's most likely a 'body reaction' something most survivors suffer from after trauma.. Its not pleasant at all in fact it feels like everything in the flashback just happened yesterday!
The flashback was about the sexual abuse suffered as a child, from my step father, although he wasn't my step father at the time as mum and him didn't marry until I was almost 29yr old.. I still refer to him as my step dad because he was always around as I grew up.. I clearly remember the things happening in it, he was initially beating me and as I tried to get away he pulled me back.. The next thing I can remember is pain! horrific pain... in my stomach and private area's... then something pushing against me, force...... more pain..... more force and more pain........ struggling to breath...... weight on me..... he was on top!....... more pain....... feeling very scared, crying, terrified....... more pain!! I knew he was going to rape me again....... this wasnt the first time....... then I saw something green... I have no idea what it was, just lots of green........ lime green... in front of my face... everywhere was green.... more pain.... as he forced himself into me.....crying, him telling me to shut up! be quiet.... I'll wake the dead he said! Then I woke up crying, shaking, feeling scared, vunerable, unable to get to sleep for fear of going back there again... eventually I must have slept as I can't remember what happened next. This morning the stomach ache is making me feel vunerable again, I think when I go out later I may have problems if the shops are to crowded, but I need to go, I can't isolate myself from the world because of what happened in the past... I will not let him win anymore.. this is my life and I have to deal with the pain and hurt that he caused me and get on with my life to the best of my ability. I tried talking to my therapist about this yesterday and was unable to say the words, but intend to try again next week.. I have to deal with these memories in order to heal from them and move on.. and I will.......