Ok. Sunday evening and its been a week that I do not want to repeat in a hurry. A week of flashbacks and triggers.. Still recovering from the flashbacks the last few days and when messing about today with a friend I was triggered big time.. this makes me sick! why can't I have a normal relationship like everyone else? Because I have been abused as a child physically, mentally and sexually, my life has to be different from other people who haven't been there.. It's just not fair!
I can guarantee you that the bastard who did this to me lives a normal life now that he is out of prison, he can go around his business doing what normal people do and not have any thoughts of the past at all.. yet I have to live knowing that the slightest thing can cause a flashback or trigger.. when I get triggered I feel the pain just like I did at the time.. I feel the humiliation and anguish, the shame and embarrassement, the guilt and disgust.. but what does he feel? nothing!
Does that seem fair to you? My whole life has been ruined because some sick bastard couldn't keep his hands off me as a child, or keep his dick inside his trousers..because he decided it would be fun to have sex with a child I have been ruined.. all my life I will never forget what he did, everytime I get close to anyone sexually I can be triggered, ruining the pleasure for me and no doubt for whoever I am with. Sex is not a pleasure, never really has been unless I take care of myself, where I am in complete control of what happens and when.. even then sometimes I find myself feeling guilty for enjoying it.. why? I did nothing wrong at all! It's natural or so I'm told.. I put on a brave front a brave face to other people and convince them that I'm ok with it, when deep down inside, I feel dirty and used.
The questions that a survivor may ask herself are to numerous to mention, but the usual ones are, 'why didn''t I stop him, why did I enjoy it?, What could I do about it?' to name but a few.. do Non Abused people have to contend with these questions in their heads almost every day? I doubt it.. Here is a poem I wrote last year about coping with the flashbacks..

COPING WITH FLASHBACKS.


Flashbacks happening most everynight,
When they come I cower in fright.
Recalling the pain he put me through,
I just don't know what I'm going to do!
The image I see, the size of that man,
Knowing he's coming to do me harm.
I shiver, I shake I'm out of control,
Here right now, HE has the lead role.
If I can keep me here and now,
I know I'll get through, this somehow.
It isn't as easy as it used to be,
The memories now much clearer you see!
Explaining the feelings of what he did,
How it affected me as a kid.
I clearly see and feel that pain,
I can't go through it all again.
My fears emotions open wide,
The nights I've sat alone and cried.
No one else can see me like this,
When someones here, I give it a miss.
I can not let, people see me cry,
You may sit there, wondering why!
But if I cried when I was a child,
It meant more punishment, wasn't mild.
So here today! ---- I cry when alone,
My feelings emotions, a no go zone.