Well... another week and another day to get through.. I have yet again had a few flashbacks over the weekend, another problem coming from being Abused in my life. Most Survivors will experience flashbacks and triggers about what happened, so I'm no different in that from everyone else, even people who have had bad accidents and trauma in their life can get flashbacks they aren't pleasant but part of the life we now have to lead.

Some people can prevent them happening, I seem to be able to stop them during the day when other people are around especially children.. because they can be quite scary to see..
In a flashback the survivor re-lives the traumatic event, so if its from abuse it often feels like it is all happening again right now! your being beaten, force fed, raped or even verbal abuse... we see and hear it like it is NOW!. We get the feelings of fear, terror and such that we experienced when the Abuse happened and it often can take days to get over it.. but if your having flashbacks on an almost daily basis it feels like you are re-living it all when in fact your not..

I wrote a poem this weekend about my fight to recover from all this and I am determined to get my life back, to how it should be.. But how is that? If I hadn't been abused what would I be doing now? who would I be? my life would no doubt have taken a completely different path and I would not be the person I am today. Here is the poem!

I will NOT fail!

Pain and suffering for many years,
Living daily with all my fears.
Will he come back? Will he return?
The pain that I feel, continues to burn!
Sat here alone, I start to cry,
When I start to think, I'm asking why?
What did he see, in a girl so young?
Would like to lash out, with my tongue.
I'd shout and I'd scream, see what you did?
A messed up adult, because of when, I was a kid.
Why did you need to Rape and Abuse?
Why am I left feeling so used?
What was your fantasy? What was your game?
Couldn't you play it with Adults the same?
At least for them, they would have had choice,
But now at last I'm finding my voice!
I will discuss and tell what went on!
I will continue singing my song!
I will name and shame you, like you did me!
Just you wait mate! You'll soon see.
Your name in the papers as I tell my tale,
It's my biggest challenge, and I WILL NOT FAIL!

Hopefully what comes across from this poem is my determination to succeed in healing from the past. I did report my first Step Father to the police and he was prosecuted and sent to prison, but the other abusers in my life so far have not been punished. The neighbour I have no way of knowing where he is now, I cannot recall his name so there is no way to have anything done about him, my second step father attacked me in Cyprus so british law can't do anything.. I would need to return to cyprus to do anything about him, which I can not afford to do... so again he escapes justice.. I did confront him over the telephone last year and as I expected he denied everything, claiming he couldn't remember, well I remember what he did its not something I can forget in a hurry.. but somehow I will try to work my way through it all and move on with my life...