Tuesday Evening...

Finally all the house guests have gone and I can get back to normal once more... I don't have to hide how I feel any more, you know what its like when you have guests you tend to pretend everything is fine, even if it isn't, and hide your real feelings.. well I do for sure.. but now they've gone I can relax again..

As I said in posts over the weekend I had been feeling pretty low, but had to hide it especially from my daughter. Not that she'd have cared much as she reverts back to the child whenever she comes to visit me, so its like I have a houseful of kids again.. She is so lazy when she is here its hard to even get her to wash some dishes for me she sits herself in front of the TV and watches silly shows that are put on for teenagers.. not women of 24yrs! Still she has now returned to her home in London and sanity can resume here once more. Thank God!

Today is Halloween and a big 'trigger' for many survivors.. but thankfully not me myself.. but I do know of some who can't cope with this time of year.. many find religious festivals especially hard as they were abused by people at that time of year.. the festival reminders bring it all back for many.. Lots of things do! We have to learn to watch out for the signs and deal with it the best we can..

What are Triggers?

Triggers are common to survivors of any trauma including sexual assault. As both triggers and flashbacks can be very unsettling and overwhelming for the survivor it is helpful to know what helps.

Here is a list of common triggers for survivors of abuse. Triggers don't have to be negative . Each person has his/her own individual triggers.
Things people say, Seeing your abuser, Drinking, smoking, or using drugs, A particular object or thing, A certain time or day of the year, A particular smell, A particular sound, A particular color or texture, Strenuous therapy, Not eating properly, Not sleeping well, A certain touch, Not enjoying life enough, working too much, Someone who looks or acts like your abuser, Fighting with someone, Watching someone else fight, Having sex, Money problems, Paying bills, Making decisions,

Triggers

A trigger is something that sets off a memory tape or flashback transporting the person back to the event of her/his original trauma.
Triggers are very personal; different things trigger different people. The survivor may begin to avoid situations and stimuli that she/he thinks triggered the flashback. She/he will react to this flashback, trigger with an emotional intensity similar to that at the time of the trauma. A person's triggers are activated through one or more of the five senses: sight, sound, touch, smell and taste.
The senses identified as being the most common to trigger someone are sight and sound, followed by touch and smell, and taste close behind. A combination of the senses is identified as well, especially in situations that strongly resemble the original trauma. Although triggers are varied and diverse, there are often common themes.

Sight

Often someone who resembles the abuser or who has similar traits or objects (ie. clothing, hair color, distinctive walk).
Any situation where someone else is being abused (ie. anything from a raised eyebrow and verbal comment to actual physical abuse).
The object that was used to abuse
The objects that are associated with or were common in the household where the abuse took place (ie. alcohol, piece of furniture, time of year).
Any place or situation where the abuse took place (ie. specific locations in a house, holidays, family events, social settings).

Sound

Anything that sounds like anger (ie. raised voices, arguments, bangs and thumps, something breaking).
Anything that sounds like pain or fear (ie. crying, whispering, screaming).
Anything that might have been in the place or situation prior to, during, or after the abuse or reminds her/him of the abuse (ie. sirens, foghorns, music, cricket, chirping, car door closing).
Anything that resembles sounds that the abuser made (ie. whistling, footsteps, pop of can opening, tone of voice).
Words of abuse (ie. cursing, labels, put-downs, specific words used).

Smell

Anything that resembles the smell of the abuser (ie. tobacco, alcohol, drugs, after shave, perfume).
Any smells that resemble the place or situation where the abuse occurred (ie. food cooking ,wood, odors, alcohol).

Touch

Anything that resembles the abuse or things that occurred prior to or after the abuse (ie. certain physical touch, someone standing too close, petting an animal, the way someone approaches you).

Taste

Anything that is related to the abuse, prior to the abuse or after the abuse (ie. certain foods, alcohol, tobacco).

As this article describes Triggers can be brought on by many different things and each Survivor is affected in different ways.. I know I personally had my worst 'trigger' to date whilst at an Airport awaiting a flight! I saw someone who very closely resembled my step father, even though I knew deep down it wasn't him I couldn't help myself.. I was rooted to the spot, legs like jelly, unable to move away and crying uncontrolably.. it took me a few days to actually get over it and the nightmares were very vivid during that time.. Some triggers can be avoided if you know what they are, i.e sounds, smells etc... but seasons can't be, they happen regardless and can't be stopped by the individual.. So we have to learn to cope with them the best way we can.... and if we get it wrong we just have to deal with the consequences....

Today started off badly.

I woke up after having a bad night of flashbacks and dreams at 7.20am shaking.. tears running down my face and not really sure why.. I can remember that last night the flashback was about Don again, he did so much to me when I was young that there is lots to come out and lots to deal with.. the lid appears to be off once more.. I still feel very low but thankfully not as low as I was yesterday.

In the Flashback last night he was initially hitting me, in fact beating me I have no idea why, or what I was supposed to have done wrong.. maybe nothing because he could flip and lose it as quickly as you can switch on a light.. but I do remember the pain of it this morning.. I can recall that I woke crying and shaking once again, and feeling very insecure once more... this is my life these days as a Survivor, it's not easy but I have no choice but to live through it because of what he did..

The memories can be very painful to recall.. in fact just this morning I had a visit from two of my sisters who live nearby, we got talking about things and recalled just how intimidating he was back then when we were small children.. We worked out that he must have been about 20 stone, a very large heavy man that easily intimidated us by his stature alone... we talked briefly about whether my sisters had seen his son about in town, and they both said they hadn't seen him in ages... my one sister then said that we can't let what he did control us! else it takes over your life... if only it was that easy... it makes me so mad when people tell me to forget it, its in the past move on from it! I wish to god I could.. but when you re-live it in your sleep, when you feel the pain from what he did all over again its not that easy to forget.. Why do people have this attitude? The sister who said this has admitted to me that he never raped her! She didn't suffer any Sexual Abuse as a child so its much easier for her to move onward and upwards. .. Why can't she understand that it isn't that easy for me?? How do I make her understand me?

I still feel that I have lost my way a bit this morning, but its not as bad as it felt yesterday.. maybe I need to try writing more? its so hard to explain feelings in words like this but I seem to be able to do it in a poem so maybe thats what I need to do again? I'll give it a go here now....

Wondering Why?

Feeling lost, spaced out of control,

Who in my life has the lead role?

Thoughts in my head making me cry,

I sit here at night wondering why?

The pain that I'm feeling, won't go away,

It doesn't matter, what anyone will say.

Tell me to move on, forgive and forget,

Could you, I ask, I doubt it I'd bet!

Reliving the pain as I go to sleep,

Memories in my head, I'll always keep.

Trying to work out, what can I do?

As I write my story, I'm telling you!

The pain and the sorrow, of a child Abused,

The feelings of always being used.

The loss of control, as he takes his belt,

The feelings of helplessness that I felt.

The Child in my life crying each night,

Living a life, that was full of fright.

A mother unable, to protect us at all,

A mother unable, to stop our downfall.

A mother who wanted, a man in her life,

A mother who's children, lived with the strife.

A child in the end fucked up, insecure,

A child who has days of feeling unsure.

An adult who now tries hard not to cry,

As I sit here each day, wondering why!

That just about explains explains how I feel right now! I have just written this direct here onto the blog..

Added 7/11/06... just received this review for this poem on a poetry site I belong to, so thought I would share it with you all;

Review:THIS IS VERY, VERY EMOTIONAL AND POWERFUL!I AM HONORED TO BE THE FIRST ONE TO REVIEW.THE RHYMED COUPLETS ADD IMPACT TO EVERYTHOUGHT. YOU WRITE WITH SUCH DESCRIPTIVESKILL THAT THE READER INSTANTLY GETS IMAGESOF THIS MOST TRAGIC TALE OF YOUR PAST.MAY GOD BLESS YOU AND HEAL YOU!!!! CODYKINS

Sunday afternoon... and I feel horrible..

I made a really big mistake last night and let something slip that my friend had told me in confidence.. the pain and hurt that caused her is just to much for me to bare right now. Don't get me wrong here it didn't happen deliberately, but it happened and my friend got hurt, something I would never do on purpose to her.. I haven't been able to sleep hardly because of what I did and doubt that I will ever forgive myself either..

The main problem here is that I did it in front of my daughter, and she can't keep a confidence at all, Its not something that could get anyone into trouble, its about something that has happened but my friend didn't want anyone to know yet! and I've ruined that by a slip of the tongue.. I feel so bad about it this morning that I have been trying to mend things by explaining, not sure if I've done enough though and not really sure if I ever could..

On top of that I've been down for a few days anyways, I have other things going on in my life that is causing me to be stressed out a bit, financial problems are setting in and I really need to find a job quickly.. I don't care what it is I just need to be earning money and earning it fast.. else I will end up in big trouble .... I don't want that to happen but the way its going its getting out of control and I have no idea how to stop it..

I sit here now thinking about things in the past that have hurt me and trying to figure out a way to sort them in my head, without much success at the moment.. I just don't seem able to find my way right now, feels like I have taken a wrong turning somewhere and trying to find my way back to my road of healing is seeming more and more impossible.. but I do know that I need to find it and find it quickly.. My MSN support group is suddenly very active and takes a lot of time to keep up with! am I burning the candle at both ends? will it result in a burn out as the flames meet in the middle? what do I do??

How can I find my road again? I seem to have put the lid back firmly in place and be trying to block out all that has happened to me because right now I just can't cope with it all. I can't cope with the pain the memories give me, I can't cope with the feelings of shame and embarrassement and I certainly can't cope with talking about any of it in detail not even with my best friend... I am so lost!!........... I don't know how to find my way back?

Saturday night.. and my god am I stressed out?

I have had a pretty hectic week, this has been down to having an intruder in my home and then the stress of finding out that my sister had experienced the same thing within days of me! Its been made particuarly difficult because of the lack of support or understanding from the police, and now I have my daughter visiting as well and she is enough to drain even the strongest person.

She is 23 yr old but when at my house she acts like she is about 10yr old all over again.. from the time she arrives she sits in an armchair watching TV, holding the remote tight so that no one else can watch anything else.. she is extremely lazy to boot and thinks nothing of answering me back or telling me I am stupid! she is so like her father these days that I find it had to confront her about her lack of respect for me and my home.. And she wants to move back in with me in february!!!! OMG... its just so not going to happen.. I cannot live in the same house as someone who lacks respect for not only me but for themself.. she doesn't have any idea at all what she does to me, she has come to visit this time with a total of 48pence in her pocket! expecting me to fund anything she needs whilst she is here, but I can't do it.. I just don't have the money to pay for her.. she earns a good wage but is a spendaholic.. within a week of getting paid she is broke... she manages to get through over £1,200 a month.. 4 times what I get.. and she asks me to help her!! I just don't understand how she gets through all her money so quickly..

I just can't really find the words to describe how I feel tonight, its weird.. I feel sad, confused, abandoned and alone, yet there are three other people in here..I'm not on my own but I feel alone! that doesn't make sense eh! I have my good friend here which helps a lot but somehow when ever my daughter visits all I can think of is the hurt she caused me last year.. Then she starts to talk to me the way her father used to I go quiet, I lose my voice all over again almost as if she triggers me! Its just not fair... I just want to run away and see how far I get!!!!!!!! But what good would that do to me? no good at all, I have spent far to long running away from things and now its time to stand still and deal with each part as it comes along..

Will write more tomorrow can't concentrate.... to much going on in this house... Oh for peace and quiet again.....

Friday... Very long blog today!

Therapy day and as the day goes from bad to worse I sit here wondering what I should do?

It wasn't to bad this morning in therapy, we talked about the March/Rally last week and how emotional that was for me, Jane asked me how it felt knowing that so many other people there knew exactly how I felt? I tried to explain that it was weird.. when we all stood in a circle singing Gloria Gaynor's 'I will Survive' many had tears flowing, I had a huge lump in my throat as I fought back the tears.. (I am very wary of letting others see me cry.. If as a child I cried I was always 'Given something to cry for!' I was generally hit to say I now had a reason for the tears)..

So the rally last week was particularly tough knowing that I had to keep my emotions in check.. I gave myself the task of making sure the others who were there with me were ok.. I basically mothered them! To cover up how I really felt... Jane asked me how did I really feel? and I admitted to her that it was hard, very hard especially when people took to the microphone and started talking about their own experiences.. once or twice I had to fight back the tears especially when it was a youngster.. Knowing that what I went through as a child was still going on, still nothing is being done for the victims! as one youngsters T-Shirt said 'Abusers Protected, Victims neglected' How true!! as always all the funding goes into the so called sex offenders kitty and nothing goes to help the survivors.. because that is what we all are..'SURVIVORS'

I told Jane about my poem being read out to the crowds by this other lady as I was unable to do it myself and she asked me how that felt? I said I cried as she read my words partly as I realised how potent they were and partly because I saw others crying as she emphasised certain words.I realised that other people read my poems a completely different way to how I read them.. the poem was put on here last week.. if anyone wants to read it!
I was then asked when I wrote the poem and said it was about a year ago when the Michael Jackson Trial was on.. she asked me what was in the poem and although I couldn't remember it all I knew there was something in it about 'making children feel safe at home tomorrow' and asking Tony Blair to put himself in the childs shoes, to realise what Abuse does and do something about it... Maybe one day the powers that be will listen to us! the people who know what sort of help is needed are the ones who the government need to talk to.. but I won't hold my breath!

After being Abused for so many years by so many different people, Step fathers... A neighbour and an Ex Husband... I should be quite a strong person? But just at this moment I feel weak and timid! I feel unable to make decisions for myself and just feel I want to hide away from the world and let everyone get on with it! whatever it is! Why do I feel like this today? I'm not sure.. I have had enough of the constant struggle to put on a brave face.. to pretend that I am coping with everything just fine! I hear and read comments by others that say how they feel and can identify with so many of them at this time in my life.. but those around me who think they know me... well they really don't know me that well at all.. if they did they would know how I feel.. but to explain to them means talking face to face again and I struggle with that so much.. I realise that none of what happened to me was my fault.. I've known that for many years, but that knowledge does not take away the pain of it all! it does not help ease the shame and embarrassment that is hiding deep inside me.. it does not stop me questioning myself as to how or if I could have prevented some of it happening... it doesn't stop me re-living the brutality of what I have lived through in my sleep, in my waking hours.. I can see a programme on TV and it will bring things up for me, hear about an article in the paper where an Abuser is back living across the road from his victim? Why is that allowed? Why isn't the victim protected by law? It is wrong!!

I have had a call from my daughter today asking me if I would consider her moving back in with myself my friend and my son, I know it would be a nightmare, she and I just cannot live in the same house.. she has caused me so much pain in the past that I know I can't go through all that again.. if I agreed for her to come home things would deteriorate very quickly into chaos.. we clash far to much.. I know it wouldn't be good for me at this stage in my life, with the way I feel right now to allow her to come back.. she has problems herself and is having councelling... she caused me so much pain and heartache last year that I've never really forgiven her.. We've had to agree not to talk about what she did, so that we could have some sort of relationship as mother and daughter..
My heart is breaking as I sit here right now, if I allowed her to return My friend would move out as she knows that pain I went through a year ago and does not want to sit and watch me go through that again, she also knows that living in the same house as my daughter would be impossible for us all, if I turn my daughter away I would feel guilty knowing that I had done that.. I can''t win here! I know rationally that it is a very bad idea to let her return to live with me.. I'd be hospitalised within weeks.. but how do I tell her that? How do I do it so that she realises we can't live in the same house without fighing? we are so alike that we clash all the time.. but she is also very lazy and I know in my heart that I would end up running around after her like I did when she was a child, but she is 24yr old next month and should be standing on her own two feet and making a life for herself away from the house..... What do I do????

I will write again !!

Thought I would just pop in and say I had a lovely peaceful night last night, no sign of prowlers or intruders at either my sisters house or mine! Thankfully.. lets hope they have given up eh!

My Life is pretty much the same as usual, boring!! boring!! Boring! but only I can change that, I have decided that its time for me to get off my butt and start doing some serious Job hunting, don't get me wrong I have applied for some 40 odd jobs over the past few weeks, none of which accepted me..:-( But now I'm going to try a different approach.. I Need a job and I need it now!

So its down to me to get one isn' it? there's lots out there its just finding the one that will give me the chance to get back into the workplace.. see I've worked from home for so long now, doing childcare and fostering that I haven't actually worked outside for some 10 years.. so it will feel a bit strange when I first start but I need to do it..

If I don't I will have to stop going to therapy as I can't afford it anymore.. and I don't want to do that, it took me so long to admit to myself that I needed help dealing with all my stuff that I feel it would be daft to stop at this point.. To go back to dealing with it all on my own would be very hard, at the moment I am able to talk about stuff with my therapist that I can't talk to anyone else about.. not even my best friend? I have no idea why this is the case, as I know my friend would never tell a soul what I said, but somehow I just can't do it yet.. with my therapist however it feels different somehow... I can say whatever is on my mind and she accepts it as fact she never judges me and though she has sometimes made comments that upset me she seems able to explain to me and help me understand why I react the way I do to certain things... Like when I told her about my second stepfather raping me in cyprus after my mum died she made a comment that really upset me, she asked me if I was sure it 'wasn't a drunken fumble'!! I was devestated.. I cried for days and in the end had to email her asking her to explain what she meant.. she did reply to me and explain, she was trying to get me angry so that I could move on from it! and thankfully things got sorted out, nowadays when a comment is made she quickly explains what she means so as not to upset me.. that makes our sessions feel safe and I know I can be sort of open with her... not as open as I'd like to be but I'm getting there slowly... so it would be a shame to stop just because of lack of finances eh!..

Another thing the powers that be could change for the victims, Councelling for this sort of thing should be FREE!!! Why should it depend on whether or not the survivor can afford therapy? Why should we have to end up financially broke because of something that wasn't our fault? It just isn't right.. yet the Abuser get all the help the authorities can give him/her, with no worries about the costs to the public... there seems to be a never ending fund of cash for them to get help but nothing for us, who need it a damned sight more....

Emotions running very high today.. after the problems of the last few days with intuders at both my sisters house and mine, I felt sure things couldn't get any worse.. but I was wrong again!

Last night my sister called me at 10pm.. her new key safe had been broken into again and once more her keys were gone? I told her to call the police again which she did.. initially they said they may be able to get to her about midnight else it would be today! I told her to call them back and say she heard someone outside again.. If the person doing this has keys they can enter her property whenever they want to? The police arrived eventually and by that time both the keys were in the key safe? The police beleive who ever it is had taken them and copied them hoping no one would notice.. But! how did they know the code? it was changed the night before after the intruder got in? the locks were also changed? Its very frightening as I know my sister is very vunerable right now with her broken back... We both beleive there is a connection here somehow to our step father.. the one we sent to prison for abusing us as children but unless we can prove it there is nothing we can do except keep changing the locks which can get very expensive...

The emotions are running high, I have felt so anxious these past few days that I'm unable to consentrate on anything, I'm not eating well, smoking far to much and generally feeling like I really can't cope anymore.. I wanted to go to my sister last night again but she told me to stay home to make sure I was safe... we are both terrified at the moment as we can't be certain who it is doing this or why.. With regards to my own problems here the police don't beleive me! I got that impression the other day when I had to call them out... it was as if they were thinking I'd imagined it.. as if!

I now feel a bit like prisoner in my own home, whenever I am here alone or its dark outside all the doors and windows are locked and the safety chain put on.. I don't feel safe when I go out anymore.. cetain that someone is trying to do me harm? is this my imagination or is it real? am I becoming Paranoid about everything? Is this a stage of my healing that I need to go through? With two step fathers out there that abused me am I right to be scared, it could be either one of them, but it could also be an opportunist burglar... I don't know what to think anymore.. Memories of my old neighbour breaking in, come into head everytime I hear a noise at night, panic attacks have set in, something I'd not really had before this... and I have no idea what I can do about it... I know there is no point in panicking but what else can I do when I do not know who this is, or why they are doing these things..

Triggers start and I begin to shake uncontrollably, the tears fall and I am unable to protect myself or my son.. I have started sleeping with a metal bar beside my bed for protection... not that I'd be able to use it if I needed to, I feel I'd most likely freeze up... but I hope I wouldn't..
I'm scared and don't know what I can do to ease the fright that I feel at this time.. its like everything is fresh in my head once again... I'm being tortured.. intimidated.... frightened... and for what? what does this person hope to acheive? I wish I knew...

How do I get the police to beleive there is a real problem here? because my sister lives some 13 miles away the local police to me will not accept that there could be a connection.. yet we had the same step father, we have the same family... How do I open their eyes? to the possibility of the danger? I used to have a great deal of respect for the police but slowly that is ebbing away as I feel so alone in dealing with this...

Sorry this blog is such a moan, most likely anyone in a similar situation, not just a survivor would feel the fear that I now feel.. so am I being Paraniod because of the past? Is my paranoia heightened because of my history.. am I more sensitive because of it all... I really don't know anymore!

What an emotional weekend this has been for me!

First of all the Rally and March on Saturday.. brought up so many different feelings that at times I wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry, there was the realisation that hundreds of thousands of people know how I feel, they know the pain that I have suffered all these years because they have suffered it as well. I always knew that there were others out there that knew the pain but it isn't until you meet that many so close together that it really hits home.. right between the eyes where you can't avoid it.

The strength of these people is amazing the determination to get through it, the admissions by some that they self harm even today as a coping technique.. one woman actually admitted to everyone in Trafalgar Square that she scratches her feet everyday until they bleed...'and it hurts, it bloody hurts' she said.. but she can see no other way at this time to cope with her pain!

If only the help was there when victims first broke the silence, if they were offered some form of help by councelling etc.. then maybe just maybe people wouldn't resort to this sort of thing?
We had some laughs on Saturday as well, as we shared some of the good times with people from our groups... you have to laugh occassionally else life would be so boring wouldn't it? as we walked down to Downing Street we laughed and joked together to lighten the mood and take away our thoughts from our sore feet.. and my god were they sore!! yep!.. by the time I got home on Saturday night I could barely walk.. the pain in my feet and calfs so bad that I was almost in tears.. but after a rest overnight and they have eased quite a bit now..

Sunday brought it's own trauma's... last Thursday I had an Intruder in my house, police were called and we beleived the matter dealt with, but last night... I had a call from my sister telling me that she had an intruder! I told her to call the police immediately and they were brilliant for her, they arranged for her locks to be changed before they left her and thinking she was safe I decided to go to sleep.. but that wasn't going to happen quickly.. within minutes of turning of my light I had a flashlight beam through my bedroom window, just like I'd had on Thursday before the intruder got in.. being frightened all over again I called my son to come into my room, then Had a panic attack... my son was telling me to call the police... but I couldn't talk so he had to do it.. we were terrified, my friend, my son and I all stayed upstairs just in case it was going to happen again and they managed to get into the house... the police said they would send a car round.. it took about 10 minutes to arrive but when they got here and I told them what had been going on including my sisters break in, it was like they didn't beleive me? I was left feeling very unsafe and insecure last night as I tried to work out what was going on..

You see my niece is at this time pressing charges on a man who abused her when she was 14yr old.. this man is known locally as a nasty peice of work and I have been told the type that would stop at nothing to get the case against him dropped! even if that means attacking and killing my neices aunts to get her to drop it all... I've told my neice to keep going regardless we'll be ok, but I have to hide from her how scared we really are here.. If the police don't beleive me what can I do? will it take one of us getting badly hurt before they beleive me?? what can I do to keep myself and my family safe? I have no idea..

My other sisters including my neice's mum live round the corner from me, and thankfully so far have not had any problems I hope it stays that way.. but if it doesn't will the police beleive us then? why can't they just accept that we wouldn't make up a story like this, what would be the point? How do I make them see that we are genuinely scared, in fact terrified of what is going on? My Anxiety levels today are as high as they've been in a very long time.. and I can't seem to calm them down at the moment.. I'm ok in daylight as I can see clearly but when its dark its terrifying me.. even inside my home where I am supposed to be safe I feel scared.. and there appears to be nothing I can do about it.. anyone got any idea's??

Meanwhile I continue trying to deal with the issues of my past, the realisations that it has affected my whole life, that it most likely helped to destoy my marriage by making me the submissive person that I was back then.. but not now! nowadays I am much stronger and i will not let it control me today or any other day comes to that.. My neice is struggling big time as her Abuser returns to answer his bail at the end of this week.. she knows that the case is going to go to court, and she will no doubt have to stand up in that court room and tell a room full of stangers the intimate details of what that man did to her all those years ago.. I clearly remember how intimidating that can be as they ask you how many partners you've slept with? whats your sex life like now? personal questions that really shouldn't be asked of an Abuse victim.. what difference does it make anyways? I'd love to know... or is it just their curiosity that makes them ask these questions? and if so Why?

So as I said a vey emmotional weekend this week.. but I struggle onward and upward I will not be beaten down again!

Wow!! what an emotional day yesterday was..

I attended the March/Rally In London to raise awareness into Child Abuse... After leaving home at 8.10 am we arrived in London at 10.30am, stopped for some breakfast before heading up to Marble Arch to meet up with some other Survivors from My Support Group.. I'd been talking to these people on line for about 2 yrs but we'd never met before yesterday! Although I was naturally wary of what they would be like, and what they would think of me, I needn't have worried. They were just as I'd imagined them, kind, caring, compasionate women with hearts of GOLD!. It was amazing to meet and actually talk to them, face to face for the first time.

Even more weird for me was knowing that they knew what had happened to me in quite some detail, they didn't judge me, didn't doubt me, in fact they accepted me as I am.. flaws as well.. it was a fantastic feeling something I'd only experienced a few times before. We met up also with members of The Swindon Survivors who had organised the March/Rally and knew that they also understood where we were coming from, they understood the pain we felt and how hard it was for us to be there.

We bought Badges that said 'STOP CHILD ABUSE NOW!' and a Purple Ribbon, symbalising The need to stop Child Abuse, and proudly put them on our jackets for all to see.. We took pictures of us all with our banner that said in large black wording 'NO EXCUSE FOR CHILD ABUSE'.. as the time approached for the march to set off, the police arrived to do the escort duty, keeping the marchers safe from the traffic.. all of the officers there were wearing Purple ribbons, the ribbon to stop Child Abuse.. they wore them proudly and even held our banner whilst we took Pictures of them..

We set of Down Park lane shouting loudly, 'What do we want? JUSTICE! When do we want it? NOW!.... 'Break the silence, Break their Power, There's NO EXCUSE FOR CHILD ABUSE'.. the atmosphere was electric, all the people marching were either Survivors themselves or Supporters of a Survivor.. we proceeded down Park lane towards Hyde Park Corner and turned left towards Piccadily Circus, shouting all the way, 'What do we want? JUSTICE! When do we want it? NOW! also being shouted was ' What was done to me was WRONG, BUT! There's nothing wrong with me!.. How right were those word eh!... Many a time throughout the march I felt very emotional, as people on the street stopped to look at us when we passed them, some took pictures of the march others just waved in support.. The police were amazing, very friendly and kind towards all of us... we eventually arrived at Trafalgar Square after what seemed like a hundred miles of walking, of course it wasn't that far really but to my feet it sure felt like it!..

We marched into a packed Trafalgar Square where the loud speakers were set up, as they started Playing the Gloria Gaynor song 'I will Survive' almost everyone started singing.. the organisers kept saying 'we can't hear you!' so we sang louder..lol.. then the music stopped and the man on the microphone reminded us all why we were there.. He told us that this March/Rally had been running for some ten years or so and he had attended every year! I had only just found out about this last year, but because of the London Bombings last year the march had been cancelled!.. so this was the First time for me and many other people there... Trafalgar Square, being a big tourist area was packed with people who had not done the march, many stopped to listen to what was going on, Some of the survivors took to the microphone and told stories that would make your heart break, some had acheived justice against their Abusers some had not.

The poem I placed up here yesterday 'Make them Pay' was read out to the crowd by a very kind lady who was there, I was unable to do it myself as I get to emotional talking in public.. she did an amazing Job for me, it was hard for me though to hear the way she read it, completely different to how I read my work.. she made some words stand out more than others to get the point across.. and everyone in Trafalgar Square heard her say my words...

As tears flowed down my face, seeing how it affected other Survivors I felt not only amazed, but very sad .. sad that all these other people understood the pain I feel almost everyday, sad that they had experienced the same kind of Trauma that I had, but glad that they had the strength to be there yesterday and gain support in their healing.. music was played at various points of the afternoon including the song... When you need a friend, somebody to lean on... I can't remember the name of that song today, but it was so appropriate as everyone linked up and held hands as we sang, 'call on me brother when you need a friend, we ALL need somebody to lean on' !! Many tears were shed there yesterday, mine and my friends.. one of my friends a fellow survivor of just 20 yr old took to the microphone and said a few words about the effects of Abuse on her! she was so brave!... we stayed in the square talking to people and making many new friends.. one young Lad of just 15yr took the microphone and said he also had been abused, he was so brave he had not been in the March but just happened to be in the area and heard the noise, he came over to find out what was going on..... I wish I had been able to do that myself... I talked to him afterwards and found out that he is STILL LIVING IT! He is still being abused today... So we tried to help him, tried to get him some help to get away from the Abuse.. Hopefully we did enough.. time will tell..

After a very emotional afternoon, we headed towards Downing Street where the petition and My poem were going to be handed in to Tony Blair( Prime Minister)... hopefully he will take note and make moves to give out stiffer sentences to the people who commit this crime... Then it was time to head for home.. we said a very sad goodbye to our friends,( WHO WE WILL KEEP IN TOUCH WITH) and headed for the train station... by this time we were all in a lot of pain, with sore feet etc.. but with a feeling of euphoria that we had acheived what we set out to do.. we stopped to eat on the way and finally got back home at 11.30pm.. (Problems on Southern Central trains again).. arriving back home we collapsed in the chairs but couldn't stop talking about what an emotional day it had been.. we will keep in touch with the fantastic people we met and we will do the March again next year! But hopefully many more people will turn up to support it, we need lots more to take part in the march, we need to really stop the traffic in Central London for quite a long time to make people hear the message..
' THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE' WHAT DO WE WANT? JUSTICE! WHEN DO WE WANT IT? NOW!!

Hopefully in the next day or two my feet will stop hurting as will my back, but the euphoric feeling of being around all those fantastic, Brave people will NEVER leave me.. I will remember that day for as long as I live...

http://www.survivorsswindon.com/petition.htm

I am taking part in this march tomorrow In Central London... we are hoping to Pass a petition for more support for victims to The Prime minister at the end of the day... Hopefully I can add this poem to that Petition... Wish me luck eh!


I wrote this poem a year ago and thought it appropriate to take along to the March Tomorrow, Maybe it will open someones eyes eh?

MAKE THEM PAY !


A change of hope a great big plea,
From a child abuse victim just like me!
Please make them pay, make them sad,
Take their LIBERTY, they were bad.
Don't let them get away with child abuse,
Domestic violence, Rape, what's the use!
The politicians will never listen to me,
What is it? why is it, they can't see?
These evil people beleive they are right,
To make little children live in fright.
To hurt them, abuse them make them cry,
Little children are left, wondering why?
What ever did they do to be used?
They didn't ask to be abused!
But somewhere in this country RIGHT NOW,
A little child, is crying, asking how?
How to stop the torture, stop the pain,
That little childs life, never the same again.
So help those little children today,
Help them through, see another way!
Don't let them grow with pain and sorrow,
Help them feel safe at home tomorrow.
So MR BLAIR, WE'RE BEGGING YOU!
PUT YOURSELF IN THAT CHILD'S SHOE.
MAKE THE ABUSERS PAY FOR LIFE,
SHOW THE CHILD HELP, NOT MORE STRIFE!


By Kate..8/6/05

Friday again and that means therapy!

Today was quite educational as we spoke about my step-father and the problems he had.. I had been told by my Mum when she left him, that he had been diagnosed as bi-polar just a few weeks previously. This she said explained his mood swings and temper flare ups. Now I'm not sure if he always had this problem or not, but! and its a big but, it would explain a lot to me.

My Therapist told me today that people with Bi-Polar often can not reasonably see right from wrong, they cannot control their mood swings and have a very high sex drive, because of this they do not understand that it IS WRONG to have sex with a minor.. this however is no excuse for his behaviour towards me or my siblings, but sort of helps me to understand why some things happened.. Here is the clinical description of what Bi Polar is;

What Are the Symptoms of Bipolar Disorder?

Bipolar disorder causes dramatic mood swings—from overly "high" and/or irritable to sad and hopeless, and then back again, often with periods of normal mood in between. Severe changes in energy and behavior go along with these changes in mood. The periods of highs and lows are called episodes of mania and depression.

Signs and symptoms of mania (or a manic episode) include:

Increased energy, activity, and restlessness
Excessively "high," overly good, euphoric mood
Extreme irritability
Racing thoughts and talking very fast, jumping from one idea to another
Distractibility, can't concentrate well
Little sleep needed
Unrealistic beliefs in one's abilities and powers
Poor judgment
Spending sprees
A lasting period of behavior that is different from usual
Increased sexual drive
Abuse of drugs, particularly cocaine, alcohol, and sleeping medications
Provocative, intrusive, or aggressive behavior
Denial that anything is wrong

From all of these symptoms I can regognise several that he displayed when I was a child. He frequently had increased energy and overly good moods.. at these times he was ok to be around..

BUT! when he became irritable, had unrealistic beleifs in his own power and ability he was a nighmare and we all had to step gingerly around him.. As for the increased Sex Drive? well that is sort of self explained by what he did to my siblings and me! Regarding sleep, he slept very little in fact he was always up by 5am working or not, and therefore he would often make us get up by 7am as he was alone downstairs.. as far as I know he didn't missuse any drugs or drink, but certainly had the aggressive behaviour Towards anyone that he beleived had done him wrong... including my mum and us!

Although he obviously had this problem it does not excuse what he did to us as we grew up.. there is no excuse in this world for treating children badly, for having sex with a minor and ruining a life. He didn't just do this to one child he did it to several! He must have known it was wrong? Mustn't he ?

My therapist told me today that even though he obviously had this condition, there is help available with medications, but he chose not to get the help until it was far to late and the damage was already done, 5 lives had been ruined and he was maybe wondering what was happening with his life. The day he beat my mum up outside my house in London, he must have known it was wrong! He must have known it had been wrong to rape her the evening before! So there is no real acceptable excuse for what he did even though he was Ill....

With this information now known to me, It sort of makes me understand some of his actions a little better, how one day he would lash out at us for not making his tea quickly enough yet the day he would just accept it? Someone who knew him back then must have seen how his moods changed so rapidly, so why was nothing done? Why was he allowed to continue the way he was for so long without the help he needed?

Don't get me wrong I will NEVER forgive him for what he did to me, but it tells me that yet again the system is wrong, the system failed yet another family... I'm not sure what else I can say about it really as I don't fully understand how it all works... but I know that I was physically, mentally and sexually abused by that man for many years because the system failed!

Even when they did get it right he wasn't really punished... he was given a measly sentence and then released back into the community to live his life as he see's fit! In fact he as far as I know lives between a school and a childens play ground! what the hell were they thinking of when they housed him there? a paedophile bang smack in the middle of a residential area swarming with children! When will the powers that be finally realise that once a paedophile ALWAYS A PAEDOPHILE!... I await with baited breath to find out...

Tomorrow is The day when I shall be travelling to London to take part in a March and Rally raising awareness about the damage Child Abuse does... hopefully we will get a good turn out and the weather will hold for us!.. I'll write about how it goes and what issues it brings up for me when I get back... I just hope being around some 3000 other survivors will be an amazing experience and not to upsetting to think about that many people experiencing just the same as me!..

I visited my sister again yesterday.. and most of the time I was there she was spaced out.. not really here but in a world of her own.. we were hardly able to talk at all because she didn't seem to even know I was there..

This is another of the problems caused by Abuse.. so many survivors space out, myself included where you are basically in a kind of dream and unaware of what is happening around you. I guess this is because as we were living through the Abuse we would do anything to take our minds elsewhere rather that accept what was happening.

'Spacing Out A survivor dissociates; she is unable to concentrate; she is not grounded in the present. She may not be able to feel emotion.'
Survivors often get into this habit of not feeling much. They may describe themselves as, 'spaced out', 'numb', 'unreal', 'not connected', 'not all there.' This 'spacing out' can take a number of forms:
Being 'in your head.' This means that you split your emotions off. It's like they don't exist. You're able to talk about things but the emotions that go with the thoughts don't seem to register.
Not being aware of your body. This can almost feel like you don't have a body. You may ignore your physical needs and hot register pain or when it's time to eat, drink, sleep....
Seeming in a different world. Your mind may drift off into a world of daydreams, or you may get the sensation that you're actually watching yourself from outside your body.

Spacing is a very common problem for most survivors, it can be very scarey as well when you lose time, I have been in that situation where I spaced out and when 'I came back' over an hour had passed by! It can happen at anytime, without warning for a Survivor, but is most common as we try to deal with the events that happened to us...

As we begin to accept what we went through, the feelings and thoughts that come with that can be so overpowering that we space out, like we did when it happened initially, we switch off from the pain, we try to block it out again... but the only way to truely deal with it... is to accept the pain and the events no matter how painful and try to work through them.. This is what I am trying to do now in Therapy, work through the feelings and pain and learn to accept that I can't change what has happened but I can learn to live with it.. The pain and memories will always be there for me no matter how much work I do on myself, but I hope in time that the pain at least will ease and I will be able to talk about things without getting myself into an emotional wreck!

My sister yesterday was reliving her past in her head, she was crying in fact distraught at some points as her mind reminded her of her pain.. you see she was raped by that man from the age of 8yrs... imagine the pain that she must have felt as a child so young being raped by a grown man? It must have been horrendous for her to cope with.. But somehow she did... she coped not that well, but she got through it all alive and would often run away from home for days on end.. of course none of us knew why back then, we just knew that she wasn't happy.. but none of us where in that house, there was very little laughter when we were young, especially if he was there! I can remember one time when she ran away, she was brought back by the police after about three days, she had been living and sleeping rough in a town about 10 miles away.. she has told me since that she told the police that day exactly what had been happening at home, that he had been raping her! they didn't listen!! intead of investigating her claims they just brought her home to go through it all again! Now she blaims the police for me having to have experienced it, if they had listened to her instead of him! he would not have been there to rape me as I got older..

I have of course told her that it is not her fault what I endured, he was to blame and no one else but deep down she does still blame herself, she said to me once that she should have been more forthright and made them beleive her! how? I'm not sure.... if the police were going to ignore her over him what chance did she have? None! Over the years we tried telling teachers, police in fact anyone who would listen to us when we had the courage, but no one reacted no one took notice, hence why he got away with it for so long.... We all grew up with bruises and cuts from where he had beat us, yet still they did nothing.. It unfortunately is still the same today! Last year I had a friend of my sons come to me, he told me that his step father was beating him regulary, I called the police and the responce I got! 'he's a fireman and wouldn't do such a thing!' What the hell! just because he was a fireman they didn't beleive him capable of Abuse? His own daughter told me it was true, she told the police it was true but still they sent the child back!

We somehow have to make the people in power realise that an Abuser can be anyone! a fireman, a doctor, an office manager, a labourer, a gardener even a judge or police officer! They do NOT wear a badge saying 'I'm an Abuser' nor do they stand out from the crowd.. they are just people like you and me! But with a twist of evil inside them that makes them beleive that they can treat people this way and get away with it!.

Come What May!

Does anyone hear me when I start to speak?

Or is my voice, just way to weak?

Do I shout out loud, the things I say?

Is there really any other way?

To make it clear the pain he dealt,

Not just to me, but those he felt.

The innocent children, with whom he lived,

It all really happened, Yes It did!

He raped and abused, because he could,

We all know now, he never should.

A grown up man, with a child so young,

Destroyed our lives before they'd begun.

But we will expose him, we all will tell,

I hope, I can do this really well.

Make it clear, just what he did,

To me, when I was just a kid.

My sister abused, raped as well,

Her story for her, I hope to tell.

The innocent children of today,

We need to protect come what may.

We need to make sure, these people are stopped,

Before someone else's life is topped.

The pain it causes, hard to bear,

A simple little mask we'll all wear.

We'll hide our pain from all to see,

Until the darkness comes, to you and me.

Then the nightmares, flashbacks, and the dreams,

Life isn't as easy as it seems.

The pain and heartache of a child Abused,

The feelings of always being used.

One day they all will find their way,

To tell their stories, come what may!

I have just written this poem, as I sit here after a flashback! I woke early this morning but then decided to go back to sleep for a while... big mistake I know that now... In the flashback this morning I was calling for help as he beat me.. no one heard my cries and no one came to help me!

We as a society MUST do something to stop this happening to childen today.. it is no doubt happening right now behind some closed doors, somewhere.. maybe Your Neighbour? Your Friend? Your Uncle? Your Work Colleague... who knows what a paedophile looks like? Do they display certain characteristics that make them easy to spot in a crowd? NO... they look just like you and I.... making it very hard to tell who is a danger to our children..

Tuesday morning 7am... and I'm not really sure what I am doing today?

Yesterday was a hard day for me as it was the anniversary of the death of a very good friend of mine.. for many years she stood by my side and listened to my troubles and supported me through my divorce etc.. I miss her horribly.. she was only 32 yr old when she died such a waste eh!... My friend Anji.. if your looking down on us we love and miss you hunni... rest in peace eh!

Today however I want to try and deal with some things that I have been avoiding for a long time, the inner turmoil inside me that is pain, insecurity and heartache about all that has happened to me.. I sat listening to the TV news just last night, and there was mention of a young lad of just 14 yr old who sexually assaulted an 11 yr old and ultimately killed him! his sentence given by the judge who said his crime was horrendous was a mere 12 yrs.. so by the time of his release he will still only be 27 yr old, still capable of doing such things again! But the child he killed, well his life is no more! his family lose him forever and they get nothing, no justice at all.. this lad should have been locked up for life... and life should mean life for such crimes..
It reminded me so much of my own court case where the judges who dish out these sentences really have no idea what it is like for the victims.. they seem to think that by taking away the freedom of these people for a few years they will suddenly be cured?

Sorry judges it doesn't work like that... I know I've been there.. They get their freedom back, but we the Survivor lose so much, we lose self respect, we lose sleep, we lose trust in other human beings, we lose faith in the system.. and most of all we lose our lives as we knew them.. everything changes we begin to wonder was it our fault? did we do something to encourage them? were we wearing the wrong clothes? Not that it should matter what we wear but some beleive it does.. A friend of mine recently went to a rape crisis centre after being in this situation and the first question she was asked was 'what were you wearing'..!!! How dare they try to put any blame on her because of the clothes she chose to wear? It is outrageous to even contemplate that someone deserves to be raped because they chose to wear a certain type of clothing.. If clothes are so important to prevent rape why do the stores still sell them??? Answer me that one if you can!!!

Its about time the judges all over the world started giving really tough sentences to the perpetrators of these type of crimes, all sexual offenders should be given life! sometimes I even wish they would bring back the death penalty and as long as there is no doubt at all, i.e the victim can identify them they should be put to death so that they can never hurt anyone else... they destroy the lives of their victims so why shouldn't we destroy them??

How can I describe the way I feel this morning? not easily but I will try to write it in here..

I wake up with pain in my back, my head is all over the place today as the pain reminds me of pain suffered before and the reactions that I had from it in the past.. You see I had a car crash some 12yrs ago now and it has left me with a permenant back/neck injury. When this accident happened I was still married and althought initially my husband was supportive it didn't last for very long.. he soon got fed up with me being in pain all the time and unable to do things around the home.. even though doctors told me that I shouldn't be hoovering, cleaning etc, if I didn't do it, it didn't get done.. so I did it anyways.. His support lasted for about 6 months then he started complaining that he couldn't cope with me anymore, to be honest I think he only stayed with me initially to see what compensation I would get.. after taking some £10,000 from me he left me, which where intrim payments as I fought the case.... leaving me with two young children he went off and met someone else... He told me that he could no longer cope with me the way I was now! But I found out since then that he had in fact met this woman 7 months before he left, he had told her that we didn't sleep together anymore, that our marriage was over! First I'd heard of it.. but he did in fact do me the biggest favour of my life by leaving me that day.. OK it was very hard at first and I had to rely on good friends and neighbours to help me, but I got through it all... I sorted out my life and became a free independant woman for the first time.. so thankyou to him, he gave me my life back by leaving me!

As I sit here now I can remember times during the marriage when he would tell me I was stupid, tell me that I had no idea how things worked etc.. He made me feel Like I was nothing, not worth his or anyone elses effort.. But since then I have realised that I am more than capable of doing things that he said I couldn't.. I have raised our children without his support, and they have turned out into good adult people ( in the most part) who I beleive would never knowingly hurt anyone else. Yes my Daughter has upset and hurt me in the past, several times, but don't all children hurt their parents at some point? Her actions have reduced me to tears on many occasions but I'm not going into that right now... maybe another time..

They both know of my past and althought it can't have been an easy thing for them to hear from their mum they have both been supportive.. My son even took my Book of poems into school to show his friends and teacher and said if anyone said anything nasty about it he would 'deck them' lol.. he sticks up for his Mum as he knows it wasn't my fault that these things happened..
I love them both dearly even though at times they drive me crazy with their little quirks and laziness.. they are still both my children and always will be.. I hope I have given them a good start in life, better than the start that I had that's for sure.. and I hope that they in turn do the same for their children..

As I grew up I always vowed that I wouldn't treat my own children the way I was treated, and I didn't.. in fact if anything I was way to soft with them.. but at least I can hold my hand on my heart and say quite rightly that they had a good childhood, we may have been poor but they were loved and they know it!.. and love for a child is so important, at least they have grown up knowing how to show love to another human being, they know how to trust and who to trust they can make good judgements about who to be friends with and who to avoid.. Hopefully that will be enough for them to have a good life free from Abuse!!

I will never be able to forget the Abusive start that I had in life, the times when I wanted to run away and never go back there, the times when I wished he would beat me just that little bit more and end my life because I couldn't take it... Myself and two of my sisters all have bad backs now as we are in our middle years, mine from the accident, but my sisters both have problems because as children he threw them down the stairs for answering him back or something.. he has caused so much damage to us all, physically, mentally and emotionally that I sometimes wonder if we will ever be able to move on from it all. I hope in time that I will maybe at least be able to forgive my Mum, I'll never forget what happened but if I can forgive then maybe I can move a few steps forward. That day hasn't come yet, as I still remember things that happened, I still get the flashbacks and triggers and still feel the pain deep inside, but if at some point in the future I can learn to deal with these then maybe I have a chance?

My head keeps telling me to talk openly about it all, but I am scared to be too open for fear that people will judge me and somehow make me feel that it was my own fault.. I used to feel that way and it has taken me a long time, a very long time to put the blame and shame back where it belongs.. so its scary to risk feeling like that again.. but one day maybe I will be strong enough to take that chance? who knows!!

Here I am again..

I haven't been in since friday night, mainly because I just couldn't think what to write about.. but now! well there is so much in my head right now that I thought it a good idea to try and put it all into words.

I was so angry on friday all day after discussing my mum with my therapist, I wondered if this anger was being directed to the right place? Have I got the right to be angry at her for doing what she thought was the right thing by her children? How would I feel as a mum myself if my kids were as angry with me as I was/am with her? I would be gutted, devastated that I had given them reason to be that angry at me..

But.. she didn't know any better I hear people saying... well neither did I, but there is no way on this earth that I would let anyone treat my children the way she let those men treat me! If I was ever in that situation I am sure that I would first of all kick the guy out and secondly go to the police and report him.. but she did neither of those things, she let him continue as long as she wanted ignoring her childrens cries and bruises... as long as she was ok that was all that mattered. I wrote this poem a while ago and somehow it feels the right time to put it in my blog.. hopefully it will help people understand more;

LOVE THE CHILDREN.


I'm sitting here chatting trying to write,
The story of my life not so bright.
The good times! where there really any?
The bad times in abundance, plenty!
Got to the part where he committed sin,
I vow this day I won't let him win.
Even though the words are very sore,
I'll try to tell it all and more.
So far my story is just the fact,
Of how for years I put on an act.
But now my time has truely shown,
The words the truth will be my own.
I'll try to recall every day,
When my parents love went away.
I never had a hug or a kiss,
I've never had ! so I don't miss.
This story sad and cruel to read,
I hope somewhere a lesson to heed.
If you have children, treat them right,
Please don't make them, live my fight.
It's really painful I should know,
The lines on my simple face do show.
So tell your children everyday,
That you will LOVE THEM COME WHAT MAY.

This is how it was for me as a child, How is it for your children today? Are they happy? Do they know that you love them? I wish with all my heart that I could prevent any child experiencing what I did as I grew up, but I know in my heart that I can't do that.

To feel the love that only a parent can give is so vital to a child as it grows up that when you don't get it, you end up not really knowing how to show love, How to let people get close to you, How to trust people, so very often a Survivor of Abuse, be it in childhood or adulthood end up alone unable to let anyone into their lives for fear of being hurt or Abused again.. I think I am a bit like that at the moment, I am so wary that anyone who tries to get close to me will hurt me again that I tend to push them away before that happens.. not a nice feeling being alone day after day, night after night...

I have let one friend get close to me and I have told my story to her, she has been great and very understanding towards me, she lets me talk when I need to talk even though it is hard, she hugs me when I cry and tries to cheer me up when I am sad.. In return for all this, all she has ever asked of me is my friendship which I am happy to give her, she is one amazing lady.. the best friend I could wish for at this point in my life.. I want to say a very big Thankyou to her here, because she is helping me learn to trust again, helping me to realise that not everyone wants to hurt me the way I have been hurt before, and making me realise slowly that there are some good people in this world who wouldn't hurt anyone...

In time I hope to be able to live my life as I beleive it was meant to be led.. happily and with people in it who genuinely care about me as I care about them.. One day maybe in my future I will have that dream.. I don't know when it will be, maybe years from now but I am prepared to wait if I need to.. I need to deal with all the pain and hurt from the past first so that I am a strong enough person to deal with what life throws at me.. I know its not easy life never is but a life without Abuse should be a given right for everyone, not just the select few!

Saturday 21st is fast approaching and I will be travelling to London to take part in the March to Raise Awareness about Child Abuse along with hopefully thousands fo other people.. I hope it doesn't rain! Maybe I will see some of you there???

Friday Night.. after therapy today I came home rather angry at my mother for allowing all those things to happen.. I just can't understand how any mother can sit back and watch her children be treated that way by anyone, let alone a man who was supposed to love her!

I have been sitting here thinking tonight, and am coming to realise that she herself must have accepted his treatment of us because that's all she knew! She herself had been abused as a child, so I suppose she thought that was the way things were.. she never had therapy it just wasn't available back then, and she told me that whenever her and him used to argue he would throw it in her face that she was raped at a very young age by a family member.. that's the sort of man he was I guess... a callous heartless bastard who didn't care about anyone but himself, as long as he got his sexual gratification he didn't care who he got it from.

He wasn't the only one to treat me this way, as I mentioned previously I was raped by a neighbour just weeks before my wedding, I had to keep it secret because I feared that if I told my husband to be he would think me dirty and soiled, and the wedding wouldn't go ahead... So thinking rationally now I know that the wedding should NOT have happened, I didn't trust him to stand by me hence why I didn't tell him... for many years I blocked it all out of my mind only for it to come and haunt me in my sleep, something my ex husband didnt understand at all.. during sex I was often triggered back to my childhood, but he never knew what it was as I lay there crying... he'd assume that I was so emotionally excited that I cried tears of joy! he would carry on until he wanted to stop, showing me no consideration at all...

Tonight I have once again got thoughts in my head about the stuff that went on, as a young child I had no choices at all in what happened to me, now as an adult I should have those choices but until a few years ago I didn't! my ex was very controlling, and demanded to know everything I'd done all day, who I'd spoken to and what was said... if I'd been shopping I had to produce receipts to show how much I'd spent and what on.. I couldn't stop for a coffee with a friend whilst I was out as he considered that a waste of money when we had coffee at home!

I finally divorced him a few years ago and think now that it was the best decision I have ever made in my life.. ok it was hard bringing up two children on my own with no extra support but my god was it worth it just to be free! Yes it certainly was...

My children have grown up into kind caring individuals who I can say I am proud of.. I have finally been able to start dealing with things and slowly am finding out what life can be like without the abuse that I had gotten so used to.. Its a lovely feeling just being free to make my own mistakes and decisions with everything.. something I had never done before.. someone else had always taken that away from me.. my next step has to be learning to talk... really talk about how I feel in everyday situations and what makes me happy.. its time for Kate to finally find out what she should be doing with her life... to deal and admit that yes I was raped for about 2 years on a regular basis by my so called step father,from age 14yr to 16yr, I was raped by a neighbour at age 19yr.. I was in an abusive marriage for some 19 years, and during that time was raped and molested again by my last step father! at age 32yr... you'd think at 32yr old I would have been able to stop that one, but for some reason when I realised what was happening, I reverted back to that small child who had no say in it and no control over it.. I was 'Triggered' straight back to my childhood by his actions..... but never again...

I've written this poem... for my MUM... I wish she could read it!

YOU NEVER LISTENED!


You never said you loved me,
Never said you even cared.
The love I saw you give to him,
With me you never shared.
You let him beat me everyday,
You let him shout and scream.
I wanted to run away each day,
But of that I could only dream.
When it came down to the meal times,
You let HIM force me to eat.
You never really cared for me,
Was it such a mean feat?
Was I such a difficult child mum?
That you couldn't show me love?
I used to sit and pray mum,
To that Jesus up above!
But it never made a difference,
He didn't hear my plea.
He just sat on the fence mum!
Ignoring little me!

Friday... friday the 13th of all days..unlucky for some or so they say! Well for me it hasn't been to bad so far, I went to my therapy session as I usually do each friday.. it wasn't as hard as last weeks thankfully but still a bit tough. I've come to expect that these days though as I start to really talk about the stuff that happened to me..

Today was time to talk about MUM! what was her part in the Abuse and how did I feel about it? to be honest one of the hardest questions I have been asked yet, Sometimes I can say that I loved my mum, yet other times I actually hate her!

Today after this mornings session I feel nothing but Hate towards her for allowing all that stuff to happen to my siblings and me.. She knew that our real dad was Abusive because she experienced it, and with five young children back in 1964, when there was no help for single mums, no social security etc.. she left him.. but she didn't like being a young woman of 28yr old with 5 children, and being on her own, she was the type of person who needed a man in her life.. so she hooked up with Don.. the man who in time would make each one of us regret our existance.. Once he was on the scene she would also hit us excessively, punishing us the way he did if we did the slightest thing wrong. She would hit us with a cane or her slipper and send us to bed with no dinner, she also took over from him in force feeding me at mealtimes.

At other times when he wasn't there she could be ok! But at the time we didn't realise that her behaviour then was normal, we thought she was just being nice to us because he wasn't around, she needed to show love to someone and it was our turn if she was alone. When a man, any man was about we were neglected, we were her slaves doing all the housework between us so that she had nothing to do, thinking back I can only remember my mum cooking dinner for the family on sundays, the rest of the time my elder sister did it as her daily chore.. As my therapist said to me this morning all of us children grew up and became adults very early on in life, as he started to treat us like he would a normal adult and begin to sleep with us as well as her! She of course never noticed this??? As I guess he would still be sleeping with her at the same time, his attitude towards her probably improved as he was less sexually demanding.. But she never questioned it, she didn't think that maybe there had to be a reason for his change in attitude?
I know with my ex husband I knew when things were going wrong as he stayed out more, working late! the old classic...and slept with me less and less! so how come my Mum didn't spot this with him?
I can remember as a child my sister having a lot of problems with her stomach, often waking up in the night screaming in pain, Mum would call a doctor out and they always claimed it was constipation! but now I know it was most likely caused by the fact that he was raping her on a regular basis and as a child of 8/9yr old her poor little body couldn't cope with it.. Nowadays when I get a bad flashback about him raping me I can often get the most horrendous stomach ache afterwards that can last from about half an hour up to several days... many survivors get this and its called a body reaction.. its where the body remembers the trauma but not necessarily the mind! Its just another thing that we have to contend with as we struggle to overcome the past..
I wrote yet another poem about just such a thing a year ago! As I decided it was time to look into getting myself some help to deal with it all, I called the poem 'Feelings and dealings'

FEELINGS AND DEALINGS.


Pains in my stomach thinking of the past,
How much longer will these feelings last?
The feeling of shivers down my back,
I'd like to give my triggers the sack!
Why do these feelings come to me?
Why is it sometimes I cannot see?
When I try to talk about what went on,
Sometimes these feelings last really long.
The shivers, the shakes, the tears that flow,
You all know the symptoms when they show.
But! how can we control them today?
Can anyone out there show us the way?
Dealing with all this pain in our life,
Causes us problems, causes us strife.
People around us don't understand,
They're not always there holding our hand.
We need the support of family and friends,
So into our past our demons we send.
Without that support it is so tough,
Because we on our own can't do enough.

When I wrote that one I was struggling big time trying to get my head sorted out, I couldn't sleep at night without a flashback/ bad dreams I hardly ate anything at all and lost nearly a stone in weight.. I felt so alone as I had these memories coming forward, things that I had blocked out and refused to deal with, details of him raping me of him hitting me and mum sitting there letting it happen.. she often sat in the room when he hit me, occassionally she would tell him to stop, saying enough! but not that often.. sometimes she would even hit me as he watched.. How could she do that to her own child? I'll never know the answer...

Guess what MUM I HATE YOU AND ALL YOU STOOD FOR! YOU WERE AS BAD AS HIM IN YOUR OWN WAY, I DON'T THINK YOU EVER REALLY LOVED ME OR CARED ABOUT ME BECAUSE IF YOU HAD, YOU'D HAVE STOPPED HIM.. THE DAY HE TOOK ME UPSTAIRS AND RAPED ME YOU MUST HAVE HEARD MY CRIES????? WHY DIDN'T YOU COME TO ME??????????? I HATE YOU!

An hour ago I started writing this piece and as I went to send it lost connection, so I thought I would come back and try once more.

Sitting here at home alone again, and my mind starts to wonder, I wonder why I feel that my Abuse was so bad when I know many others who had it much worse than me!
In the support group that I belong to on line there are stories of Abuse that would make most people recoil with revultion.. but I know they are true stories.. Some people have been abused from as young as 2yrs old! Why is that?

It's quite simple really, its because no matter where you live in this world the Governments and ruling powers do not do enough to stop it happening.

Early last year I started trying to come to terms with what had happened to me during my life so far! I joined on line Support Groups for Abuse Survivors and began to write poetry as my way of getting the pain out..Most of the poems where about things that I myself had endured or seen as I grew up, but one thing was very clear to me in these groups, and that is the amount of people who have suffered worse than I did! I'm not saying my own Abuse wasn't bad, quite the opposite but some others are Horrendous.. this is because a paedophile will continue to Abuse Children for as long as they can get away with it, my siblings and I suffered some 11 years and no one took any action to stop it even though we tried very hard to tell people what was going on!

Many Abuse victims become Self Harmers because of the trauma caused by this crime, they turn the hurt on themselves, and many take knives etc to cut themselves, they tell me that this is because they feel, when they see the blood that they are in fact letting out all the evil and dirt from what happened.. My Sister did this and her arms today have the scars to constantly remind her of that time in her life.. I wrote some poems about it last year which I will put here.

The first one is called;

'MY SISTER'

Her face contorted full of pain,
The moment I mentioned his dreaded name.
The tears began to freely flow,
She looked at me, and said 'you know'!
She hasn't spoke of him for years,
Sitting there still living in fear.
She can not cope with his name being said,
Begged me to change the subject instead.
Her friend looked at me and said 'you know'
The scars on her arms clearly show.
If I continue talking this way,
She'll be back cutting later today.
But I tried to tell her she needs to deal,
To end this pain she always feels.
If she could only talk to me,
We could help each other now I see.
But she can't do it I'm on my own,
Can't even talk to her on the phone.
Her mental state is down to her past,
The pain she still feels is going to last.
Until she can see her way out,
There is no way she's going to shout.
So with her he wins, another fight,
He's still in control with all his might.

A year later however, she is now able to talk about some of the past without getting quite so upset by it, she has realised just where the blame belongs! truely and squarely with HIM! I wrote another one on SELF HARMING.. which was basically me trying to understand why some people resort to this . It is a well known fact that mainly females who have been abused turn their anger on themselves. Where as many claim that male survivors become abusers. The excuse some paedophiles use to escape prison sentences for abusing children is that they to were abused! I'm sorry but so was I and I would NEVER Abuse another human being because I know from my experiences just how painful it is for the victim! In my mind that is just a feable excuse used by paedophiles to escape prison, its time we stopped listening to that else it will continue on and on forever.. My Brother was Abused also, physically and mentally but he didn't turn out to Abuse others, in fact he is one of the kindest hearted men I know today..

'SELF HARMING'

They need someone to listen to what they say,
Why! oh why!, does it have to be this way?
Taking to many pills, or cutting up bad,
Why now, are so many people, so sad?
Not much has changed, since this time last week,
For all of us here, the secrets we no longer keep.
The pain and the sorrow, we ALL feel each day,
Has to get better, there are other ways!
Learn to talk, release your fears,
I can't guarantee, it won't fall on deaf ears!
But, if you don't try, you'll never know,
The happiness in your future, doesn't show.
I can't tell you, everything will be good,
You know that, well, at least you should.
But your actions hurt, the ones who care!
Your not moving forward, your going nowhere.
So, please think really hard, before you act!
Come on now! with me, make a pact?
NO MORE CUTTING OR TAKING OF PILLS,
Can't do it for you! it has to be your will.

So until the ruling powers that be change the punishments for the perpetrators of this horrendous crime, there will be several children RIGHT NOW experiencing this behind closed doors all over the world! How many thousands of people have to be damaged in this way before they act? How many others have to live with suicidal thougths because they can't cope with the pain any longer? It beggers beleif that in this day and age this still goes on! and will go on for as long as they get away with it!

On Sundays Blog I said that I would try to write about what happened in cyprus with my last step Father.. so I will try to do that today!

It was all arranged, I was going to go to cyprus with this man, my husband approved and we prepared to leave.. on arrival in cyprus we were met by a tour rep who directed us to a bus tha would take us to our apartment for the holiday.. it was very hot about 80' and we were both in need of a cool drink by the time we got to our destination.. it was also 3am.. so not much was open but the appartment buildings manager was there to welcome us and told us there were cold drinks in the fridge of the apartment. We decided to try and get some sleep, going exploring the next day.. I was surprised on arrival at the appartment to find it was only the one bedroom... with twin beds! I asked how we were going to do this and he said 'If you change in the bathroom I'll be in bed before you get back.. there was a dresser between the beds o I though it would be ok... and I had no reason not to trust this man...

Anyways I got changed and went to sleep, waking up about 7am as it was so hot! we both needed to eat and went out to find somewhere to get food.. the first few days of the holiday were great, we went exploring and I showed him area's that I had been to when I'd lived there with my husband.. We also looked up some of my old friends and caught up with them, lazing on the beach during the days and going out for meals and drinks in the evenings... it was looking to be a really good holiday until he ruined it all on about the 6th day...

We'd been out all day and when we got back to the area of the apartment decided to go and get some dinner, we went to a little restaurant up the road that we'd been to before and the staff started making comments about how lucky he was to have me on his arm! I made it clear to them that we were NOT a couple, he was my step father who had just lost his wife (my Mum) and needed a break.. anyways we had our meal and went for a walk along the beach before returning to the rooms.... I got ready for bed as did he and we went to sleep... I was woken up in the middle of the night by something, I don't know what it was now but I woke with a start... I found that somehow he had moved the dresser from between the beds and pushed his bed up against mine! I asked him what he was doing? and he said 'nothing'... Then I felt something on my thigh.... it was him... the beds were so close that he could touch me... I started to panic.... then noticed that as he touched me he was masterbating.. he started calling me by my mums name.... I totally freaked out... screamed at him and ran to the bathroom shouting out 'why! why! what the fuck do you think your doing?' he said 'I'm sorry, I got carried away'... ??????
With tears streaming down my face I grabbed some clothes and ran from the room shouting at him, 'how dare you! how fucking dare you! you know what happened to me in the past, mum told you, and now your doing it to?' He said it was different because he loved me? I shouted back 'if you loved me you wouldn't do this'... I was gone for ages, no idea how long but eventually I knew I had to go back, I had no money on me nothing, I'd left it all in the room with him... when I returned he was sat there crying about how much he missed my mum? he had no idea what he had done to me that made me so upset... he thought it was me over reacting!
There was nothing I could do, we had three days left of the holiday and I couldn't afford to pay for a flight home early, I had to stay there and cope with it all... We agreed that we would basically try to stay out of each others way until it was time to go home... it seemed the best move, but at night we both had to be in that apartment.. there was no where else to go.. I insisted that he sleep in the lounge room on the sofa and leave me alone in the bedroom... I closed the door each night thinking that I'd hear it if it opened as I didn't sleep very well... I was scared of him and tried to stay awake each night until I could hear him snore.. then I knew it was safe for me to sleep... The night before we were due to come home, I'd gone to bed early I was exhausted from not sleeping well the previous nights.. I was woken by feelings of pressure... pressure on my chest and legs.... when I looked he was on top of me!! pain......... horrible pain...... it was happeing again.... I didn't know what to do.... I shouted 'get off me, leave me alone... fuck off' 'what are you doing, why?' I got out of the room ran down the corridor tears streaming down my face.... the apartment manager saw me but if he spoke I have no idea what he said, I ran from the building into the street, it was about 6am.. the streets were deserted no one around.. as I ran to the beach and cried...

I didn't know what to do... we were going home that afternoon and I couldn't wait... I knew that I had to go back to the rooms to pack and hoped that he wouldn't be there.... he wasn't.. he'd gone out.. so I packed my things and left headed for the airport and waited for the flight home.... I saw him at the airport and he said I'm sorry... he was crying.. like it was my fault?

Sorry can't do anymore..

Tuesday Morning and today as I prepare to go and help my sister once again, I remember the conversations we had last week.. talking about things that we both know now is true and not a mixed up dream or nightmare that we didn't beleive.

But today will be different, today another of my sisters is coming with me... this sister however can not talk about our childhood without crying even today, she finds it very hard to even think about... she is the oldest of us all and no doubt for her, she saw so much happen that she had to block it out for her own protection... but now in her later years she still can't talk about it!. Her childhood was very different to mine in that when our parents split up she was left to live with dad, an alcoholic out on the booze everynight.. at 8yr old that must have been very hard for her to understand.. I can remember seeing her in school one day limping around and when we asked her what was wrong she said she had hurt her ankle..what we didn't know at the time was that she had in fact broken it and it was a good week later before that was discovered... so she walked around on a broken ankle all that time, she must have been in agony and our father didn't notice!.. she was the first one to join mum in England once she was settled and no doubt the first to meet Don as well... I dread to think what happened in those months when she was there without us... maybe there is something that she can't accept? maybe he did things to her that she just can't admit to yet? One day hopefully she will be able to talk to the rest of us and tell us what she can.. maybe somehow we can help her come to terms with it all? I hope so!!

So today my sisters and I will no doubt only do small talk, we won't talk about the past at all it will be all about the here and now! which in a way is a good thing for me because I don't want to start associating visists to my other sister with hard conversations..

I wish somedays that I could just meet that man again.. ask him outright why he felt the need to use and abuse us all the way he did? why did he feel the need to rape young children? what satisfaction could he possibly have got from it? when someone is crying during sex its kind of obvious to even the most inexperienced person that something is wrong, that the act is wrong? So why did he carry on regardless? What satisfaction did he get from humiliating us all in front of other people? by removing our underwear to hit us with his belt/cane/slipper or whatever he was using, not only punishing us but humiliating us as well... I don't think I will ever understand that one, other than to think that he was and is pure evil itself!

I now run with the help of a very good friend an on line support group for Abuse Survivors and some of the stories that I have heard would make most people cringe, but these are factual stories of things that really did happen to these people as they grew up... It amazes me just how many people suffered the same kind of thing that I suffered, by talking to these people and telling my story it helps me to come to terms with it, I'll never understand but I hope one day to be able to make others realise the damage done that is long term, that lasts a lifetime, that can cause some survivors to commit suicide because they can no longer live with the pain and memories of what they endured..
My own sister attempted suicide many times over the years, thankfully she was not successful.. but its very hard to accept that the actions of one person can do this to another! many survivors also self harm, cutting themselves with knives, razor blades and such in the beleif that somehow it will ease the pain, it temporarily eases the thoughts because they think about the cut they have made but the abusive memories are still there as things heal up! my sisters arms are covered in scars from her self harming something she will live with for the rest of her life, she now knows that it didnt take away the pain of the abuse it just disguised it for a while until she was ready to deal with it.. like many others she is trying to accept that she can't change the past but she can make sure it doesn't happen again in the future.. I wish them all luck in their healing and hope one day that I myself will be able to put it all behind me and live my life as it should be lived, with love and care in it, knowing that the person I care about and love wouldn't hurt me in any way at all.. it sounds amazing to me and I long for that day!!

When I left home at the age of sixteen and a half I was determined that I would never be used or abused by anyone ever again! But I was also very niave, not really knowing what the world was like and how horrible people can really be to one another. As I said in a previous blog, initially I went to stay with my sister and her husbands family in London, I had told my sister a little of what was happening and she was happy to help me thank God! if she hadn't it would have meant that I'd have returned home that day and god only knows what he would have done to me, or for how long?

In time I did get a job and place of my own, a room in a family house initially.. an Italian family who were the first people outside my own family who showed me any care at all.. They used to bring me up food when they realised that I was skint, and were always so friendly towards me that I never wanted to leave, but in time I knew I had to move on and took on a shared flat with a friend..

My Abuse I thought was over then but as other blogs state it wasn't! I was raped by a neighbour in the flats where I was living at the age of 19 yrs, just weeks before I was due to be married, that turned out to be a disaster, the only good thing to come from it was my two children.. the youngest of the two is 18 soon and his father has said he can't attend his birthday because he can't afford it! the reason, he has just spent some £3000 on his new wifes son for a lock up garage for his motorbike! he cares nothing for his own son, gives him nothing but can spend that sort of cash on her son! where is the fairness in that? My son is naturally upset by this as his father spent hundreds on his sisters 18th, didn't question it at all.. but for his only son he refuses to spend the money to come and stay in a small B&B for the weekend to celebrate with us... I don't want him in my house naturally, but the cost of a B&B is only about £40 for the night and he can't spare that? he seriously has all his priorities wrong here I beleive..
Anyways, even after us being divorced for some 8 yrs now he still tries to control what we can do as a family, he earns good money but pays just £56 a week child support, that is hardly fair when he is earning something like £1,600 a month! but still claims to be broke.. because he spends it on this new family he has taken on..

But back to where I was headed with this blog! My abuse I thought was over continued throughout my marriage and beyond.. during my marriage I suffered another incident shortly after my Mother died, after she had left Don.. the first step father to abuse me... she hooked up with another guy in London.. he seemed to really care for her and for the first time in a very long time she appeared happy... they used to come and visit us every week and stay for the evening and dinner before going home, they married in 1990 in the March/April.. and were happy for a few months before my Mum had to go into hospital for tripple by pass surgery.. this man was a Jahovah Witness and because of that don't beleive in having blood transfusions for any reason.. so before the surgery took place mum donated some of her own blood for use during the operation... she had the surgery in the July of that year but because she wasn't allowed blood, she unfortunately died from kidney failure and a massive heart attack the day after the operation.. I didn't get to see her until after she was dead.. I had had phone calls from my sister, well my husband had, all through the night, I was asleep and he didn't want to wake me, when the call came again at about 7am I had to try and get hold of my other sisters to tell them to come to the hospital as soon as possible, I had to use the local police to get messages to them as they didn't have home telephones back then.. anyway by the time we got there mum had died, My sister and her newest husband were standing outside as we arrived, tears running down their faces I knew I was to late.. mum was gone!

Anyways, as I said my Abuse still wasn't over, this husband appeared devastated by the loss of my mum, and by the march of the following year was telling my husband that he needed to get away for a while, he had no idea where to go or what to do, during conversation it was suggested that cyprus may be a good idea as they speak english there and he would be understood easily, they also drive on the left like we do at home so he would be ok.. anyways to cut a long story short, He asked if I could go with him if he paid my fares! My husband surprisingly agreed and it was all arranged that we would go for ten days in the April...

What happened on that break made me realise that you just can't trust anyone, especially men! I was a pawn in a very nasty life, placed on this earth to be used and abused by whoever feels like it...

I will write another day exactly what happened as I just can't do it now!...