As a child how many times did I wish that My mother wasn't my mother? Hundreds! and the reason for that? because life at home was so horrible and painful that I beleived no mother would willingly let their own child suffer the way I suffered. I used to beleive and hope that one day someone would come along and tell my Mum she had the wrong child, that my real parents were kind people who would care for me the way a child should be cared for!
But it was all wishful thinking I guess because I was in the right household, this was my real family and I had to put up and shut up!..

I will never forget the times when that man used to leave our home, although mum would be sad initially she soon got on with things and sometimes even found new relationships to be involved in. There were a few people that she brought home for us to meet, one or two she considered marrying and wanted our opinions about, but it didn't happen.. the good guys always dissappeared as quickly as the had come because he would find out and be back, he couldn't bear the thought of our mum being with anyone other than himself! That would have meant he would lose the opportunity to abuse all of us if there was someone else in the picture.. God how we wished for mum to make that decision and kick him out permenantly! But for many years whenever he decided he wanted to return she always said yes!

I clearly remember going to my Nan's house every Friday after school, we used to meet up with Mum there when she finished work, and have tea with our Nan and Grandad, as a small child I remember it was always sandwiches, cakes and cups of tea then we would all gather around the table and play card games until it was time to walk home again.. we all loved those days as he didn't come and Nan was so kind and caring! a woman in a million she was.. Always there to give us hugs and tell us that she loved us all.. she would often send us round to the shop to get her bits of shopping and always allowed us to get ourself a little sweet of some kind, How we longed for fridays... especially when he was in foul moods which was most of the time, I used to sit dreaming about being at my Nan's house having tea and cakes.. we didn't get cakes at home as Mum couldn't afford to buy them.. she did at one time meet up with this guy who worked in a bakery and while they were going out together he would bring any unsold cakes home at the end of the day, we all loved those days.. Mum and him stayed together for about 3 months and they were three good months as far as we were concerned. Three months of no beatings at all! we were just normal kids not bad kids, but when that man wasn't there we had no need to be hit! Makes me wonder now what he used to hit us for? surely if we were bad and needed to be punished that would have carried on regardless of whether he was there or not? kids don't change that quickly!

When ever he came back after being away, he would be all nice and we'd often think he had changed, but it never lasted more than a few days, he would very soon revert to his usual behaviours of hitting us for basically nothing! It was like he enjoyed seeing us all cry.... I remember one time when he left, I was about 15 yr old and my oldest two sisters had left home, my brother was in boarding school (That he'd arranged through social services, by saying he was out of control) and my other sister had moved in with our Nan.. I was home alone now, Just My Mum and me, anyways she met a new guy again, his name was John! he seemed a decent sort and was always polite and kind towards me, never raised a hand etc. I thought that maybe this one would be ok? Within a few months Mum told me that they were going to get married and afterwards his children would be moving in with us!.. he had three boys, one was about 17yr old the others 11 and 13yr.. I knew this would mean changes and was happy about it as I beleived that it meant 'He' would no longer be able to come back!. Anyways, the wedding went ahead and for a few months things were good at home, this new guy was a drinker, in fact an alcoholic but he never showed a temper towards me at all. I'd hear him shouting at mum sometimes and hear her shouting back but as far as I know that is as much as they did.. It was all to change however on my sixteenth birthday! He bought me a really nice present and card and gave it to me in front of the family, everyone was there all my sisters and my Nan, having tea together in our house, a sort of birthday tea! I'd never really had one before and thought it was brilliant. I'll never forget mum's face that day as I opened the gifts.. My nan had bought me 10 cigarettes and a lighter... Mum went crazy saying I couldn't smoke in her house and my Nan just looked at her and said 'she's old enough now you can't stop her' give me one Kate!' we all laughed and the house was happy for a while.. Then I went on to open his gift, from what I remember it was make-up and real girly things but it was the card that caused the problems.. inside the most beautiful card I had ever had he had written 'Apples are ripe and ready for plucking', 'Girls of sixteen are ready for fucking!' Mum went balistic...
Nan decided it best if we all went out and left her to sort things, he said it was just a joke but Mum didn't beleive him.. when I got back later he was out and Mum told me we would be leaving the next day when he left for work! she told me to go to bed and get a good sleep as she didn't know when or where we'd be sleeping next!.. In the morning I was woken and told to pack, we loaded up the car and drove away from the house not knowing where we were going or what we were going to do....

I'll write more about that part of my life another day!.. can't do it now!