Friday again and that means therapy!

Today was quite educational as we spoke about my step-father and the problems he had.. I had been told by my Mum when she left him, that he had been diagnosed as bi-polar just a few weeks previously. This she said explained his mood swings and temper flare ups. Now I'm not sure if he always had this problem or not, but! and its a big but, it would explain a lot to me.

My Therapist told me today that people with Bi-Polar often can not reasonably see right from wrong, they cannot control their mood swings and have a very high sex drive, because of this they do not understand that it IS WRONG to have sex with a minor.. this however is no excuse for his behaviour towards me or my siblings, but sort of helps me to understand why some things happened.. Here is the clinical description of what Bi Polar is;

What Are the Symptoms of Bipolar Disorder?

Bipolar disorder causes dramatic mood swings—from overly "high" and/or irritable to sad and hopeless, and then back again, often with periods of normal mood in between. Severe changes in energy and behavior go along with these changes in mood. The periods of highs and lows are called episodes of mania and depression.

Signs and symptoms of mania (or a manic episode) include:

Increased energy, activity, and restlessness
Excessively "high," overly good, euphoric mood
Extreme irritability
Racing thoughts and talking very fast, jumping from one idea to another
Distractibility, can't concentrate well
Little sleep needed
Unrealistic beliefs in one's abilities and powers
Poor judgment
Spending sprees
A lasting period of behavior that is different from usual
Increased sexual drive
Abuse of drugs, particularly cocaine, alcohol, and sleeping medications
Provocative, intrusive, or aggressive behavior
Denial that anything is wrong

From all of these symptoms I can regognise several that he displayed when I was a child. He frequently had increased energy and overly good moods.. at these times he was ok to be around..

BUT! when he became irritable, had unrealistic beleifs in his own power and ability he was a nighmare and we all had to step gingerly around him.. As for the increased Sex Drive? well that is sort of self explained by what he did to my siblings and me! Regarding sleep, he slept very little in fact he was always up by 5am working or not, and therefore he would often make us get up by 7am as he was alone downstairs.. as far as I know he didn't missuse any drugs or drink, but certainly had the aggressive behaviour Towards anyone that he beleived had done him wrong... including my mum and us!

Although he obviously had this problem it does not excuse what he did to us as we grew up.. there is no excuse in this world for treating children badly, for having sex with a minor and ruining a life. He didn't just do this to one child he did it to several! He must have known it was wrong? Mustn't he ?

My therapist told me today that even though he obviously had this condition, there is help available with medications, but he chose not to get the help until it was far to late and the damage was already done, 5 lives had been ruined and he was maybe wondering what was happening with his life. The day he beat my mum up outside my house in London, he must have known it was wrong! He must have known it had been wrong to rape her the evening before! So there is no real acceptable excuse for what he did even though he was Ill....

With this information now known to me, It sort of makes me understand some of his actions a little better, how one day he would lash out at us for not making his tea quickly enough yet the day he would just accept it? Someone who knew him back then must have seen how his moods changed so rapidly, so why was nothing done? Why was he allowed to continue the way he was for so long without the help he needed?

Don't get me wrong I will NEVER forgive him for what he did to me, but it tells me that yet again the system is wrong, the system failed yet another family... I'm not sure what else I can say about it really as I don't fully understand how it all works... but I know that I was physically, mentally and sexually abused by that man for many years because the system failed!

Even when they did get it right he wasn't really punished... he was given a measly sentence and then released back into the community to live his life as he see's fit! In fact he as far as I know lives between a school and a childens play ground! what the hell were they thinking of when they housed him there? a paedophile bang smack in the middle of a residential area swarming with children! When will the powers that be finally realise that once a paedophile ALWAYS A PAEDOPHILE!... I await with baited breath to find out...

Tomorrow is The day when I shall be travelling to London to take part in a March and Rally raising awareness about the damage Child Abuse does... hopefully we will get a good turn out and the weather will hold for us!.. I'll write about how it goes and what issues it brings up for me when I get back... I just hope being around some 3000 other survivors will be an amazing experience and not to upsetting to think about that many people experiencing just the same as me!..