Friday again... and friday means therapy!

Today was a very hard session, I was asked about a poem I'd written last year called; The Ultimate Sin, I'll type it here so that I can refer to it as I write this.

The Ultimate Sin.

On march Twentieth Nineteen Seventy Four,

That was the day, I thought I'd live no more.

The day he commited the Ultimate Sin,

But here today, I vow he will not win.

I was but a child, of just fourteen,

This terrible secret, he said 'never to be seen'.

So until today I have told very few,

Even my mother said she never knew,

On that awful day, many years ago,

He ended my childhood, that I now know.

Because he did commit, The Ultimate Sin,

I had no choice, I had to give in!

It carried on weekly for almost two years,

Left with him all alone, living in fear.

When would it happen? would it be today?

I wish he had found some other way!

But now in my future I have to heal,

Keep the whole of my life on an even keel.

But I can remember the levels of pain,

The memories in my head, are very clear again!.

I was asked when I wrote this piece and what was happening for me at the time of writing it, I tried to explain that I wrote it just over a year ago when all the memories started coming back to me, I'd sit chatting to a friend on line and we would talk about all sorts of things including my past.

Jane asked me today which event this poem referred to and asked me if I could tell her about it today? I agreed to try. I told her that this was the first time he had gone this far, and She asked how that particular day began and when this took place? I told her that my mum had gone to her brothers wedding with my Grandmother and I was home alone, my elder siblings had moved out and the one sister that was still living at home was out for the day with friends.. so that left me ... just me and him in the house.. she asked me what time of day was it? and I said It was about 11-12 noon... lunchtime... I had been upstairs doing chores, making beds and such when he called me into my mothers bedroom.. as she asked me more and more I could see myself back there, I could feel the pain, I started to cry and shake uncontrollably as I remembered in detail just what he had done to me that day........ I could see him laying naked on mum's bed shouting at me to get in! I was no longer in my therapists office, but back there with him doing it all again.. I felt the pain again, the tears flowed and I could hear him calling me.. I have no idea how long I was there but it felt like an eternity...... then suddenly I heard Jane's voice telling me it was safe, he wasn't here....... I am safe....... I cried and cried.... Jane asked me what I could see and if I could bring myself back... I told her I see him!..........I feel him........ I smell him.......... I had had a flashback in her office and now two hours or so later I still don't feel safe... I feel very vunerable right now and have the most horrible stomach ache.... what is known to survivors as a body reaction! sometimes we get the memories and other times we just get the feelings..... either way they are horrible and cause a lot of distress........

Jane then went on to ask me if I could tell her more about what happened that day? why did I feel that my life as a child was over? I tried to explain that what he did was usually done by adults not children? so I was no longer a child following that day... she understood what I meant but tried to re-assure me that those feelings are from the past, I am not there now and I am safe, she asked me how that little child looked to me now? and I said scared, vunerable and very alone.. she asked me what I would do now to help that child and I replied 'give her a hug' I can't take away her pain but I can tell her that I understand her! back then as a child I was so used to him shouting at me that when he called me in that day my first thought was 'what have I done wrong this time?' as I went into the room I was worried as his tone of voice made me feel scared... so naturally I was vunerable to him.... he had ruled and intimidated me for so long that when he said 'jump', I said 'how high?' It was what I had gotten used to.. so when he started doing these things, I felt as a child that I had no way out! No way to stop him and no control over what he chose to do... I had no choice but to let it happen the way it did..

Sorry have to stop here.. can't write anymore for now.... maybe I'll come back later when I have calmed down a bit?