Friday Night.. after therapy today I came home rather angry at my mother for allowing all those things to happen.. I just can't understand how any mother can sit back and watch her children be treated that way by anyone, let alone a man who was supposed to love her!

I have been sitting here thinking tonight, and am coming to realise that she herself must have accepted his treatment of us because that's all she knew! She herself had been abused as a child, so I suppose she thought that was the way things were.. she never had therapy it just wasn't available back then, and she told me that whenever her and him used to argue he would throw it in her face that she was raped at a very young age by a family member.. that's the sort of man he was I guess... a callous heartless bastard who didn't care about anyone but himself, as long as he got his sexual gratification he didn't care who he got it from.

He wasn't the only one to treat me this way, as I mentioned previously I was raped by a neighbour just weeks before my wedding, I had to keep it secret because I feared that if I told my husband to be he would think me dirty and soiled, and the wedding wouldn't go ahead... So thinking rationally now I know that the wedding should NOT have happened, I didn't trust him to stand by me hence why I didn't tell him... for many years I blocked it all out of my mind only for it to come and haunt me in my sleep, something my ex husband didnt understand at all.. during sex I was often triggered back to my childhood, but he never knew what it was as I lay there crying... he'd assume that I was so emotionally excited that I cried tears of joy! he would carry on until he wanted to stop, showing me no consideration at all...

Tonight I have once again got thoughts in my head about the stuff that went on, as a young child I had no choices at all in what happened to me, now as an adult I should have those choices but until a few years ago I didn't! my ex was very controlling, and demanded to know everything I'd done all day, who I'd spoken to and what was said... if I'd been shopping I had to produce receipts to show how much I'd spent and what on.. I couldn't stop for a coffee with a friend whilst I was out as he considered that a waste of money when we had coffee at home!

I finally divorced him a few years ago and think now that it was the best decision I have ever made in my life.. ok it was hard bringing up two children on my own with no extra support but my god was it worth it just to be free! Yes it certainly was...

My children have grown up into kind caring individuals who I can say I am proud of.. I have finally been able to start dealing with things and slowly am finding out what life can be like without the abuse that I had gotten so used to.. Its a lovely feeling just being free to make my own mistakes and decisions with everything.. something I had never done before.. someone else had always taken that away from me.. my next step has to be learning to talk... really talk about how I feel in everyday situations and what makes me happy.. its time for Kate to finally find out what she should be doing with her life... to deal and admit that yes I was raped for about 2 years on a regular basis by my so called step father,from age 14yr to 16yr, I was raped by a neighbour at age 19yr.. I was in an abusive marriage for some 19 years, and during that time was raped and molested again by my last step father! at age 32yr... you'd think at 32yr old I would have been able to stop that one, but for some reason when I realised what was happening, I reverted back to that small child who had no say in it and no control over it.. I was 'Triggered' straight back to my childhood by his actions..... but never again...

I've written this poem... for my MUM... I wish she could read it!

YOU NEVER LISTENED!


You never said you loved me,
Never said you even cared.
The love I saw you give to him,
With me you never shared.
You let him beat me everyday,
You let him shout and scream.
I wanted to run away each day,
But of that I could only dream.
When it came down to the meal times,
You let HIM force me to eat.
You never really cared for me,
Was it such a mean feat?
Was I such a difficult child mum?
That you couldn't show me love?
I used to sit and pray mum,
To that Jesus up above!
But it never made a difference,
He didn't hear my plea.
He just sat on the fence mum!
Ignoring little me!