Friday... friday the 13th of all days..unlucky for some or so they say! Well for me it hasn't been to bad so far, I went to my therapy session as I usually do each friday.. it wasn't as hard as last weeks thankfully but still a bit tough. I've come to expect that these days though as I start to really talk about the stuff that happened to me..

Today was time to talk about MUM! what was her part in the Abuse and how did I feel about it? to be honest one of the hardest questions I have been asked yet, Sometimes I can say that I loved my mum, yet other times I actually hate her!

Today after this mornings session I feel nothing but Hate towards her for allowing all that stuff to happen to my siblings and me.. She knew that our real dad was Abusive because she experienced it, and with five young children back in 1964, when there was no help for single mums, no social security etc.. she left him.. but she didn't like being a young woman of 28yr old with 5 children, and being on her own, she was the type of person who needed a man in her life.. so she hooked up with Don.. the man who in time would make each one of us regret our existance.. Once he was on the scene she would also hit us excessively, punishing us the way he did if we did the slightest thing wrong. She would hit us with a cane or her slipper and send us to bed with no dinner, she also took over from him in force feeding me at mealtimes.

At other times when he wasn't there she could be ok! But at the time we didn't realise that her behaviour then was normal, we thought she was just being nice to us because he wasn't around, she needed to show love to someone and it was our turn if she was alone. When a man, any man was about we were neglected, we were her slaves doing all the housework between us so that she had nothing to do, thinking back I can only remember my mum cooking dinner for the family on sundays, the rest of the time my elder sister did it as her daily chore.. As my therapist said to me this morning all of us children grew up and became adults very early on in life, as he started to treat us like he would a normal adult and begin to sleep with us as well as her! She of course never noticed this??? As I guess he would still be sleeping with her at the same time, his attitude towards her probably improved as he was less sexually demanding.. But she never questioned it, she didn't think that maybe there had to be a reason for his change in attitude?
I know with my ex husband I knew when things were going wrong as he stayed out more, working late! the old classic...and slept with me less and less! so how come my Mum didn't spot this with him?
I can remember as a child my sister having a lot of problems with her stomach, often waking up in the night screaming in pain, Mum would call a doctor out and they always claimed it was constipation! but now I know it was most likely caused by the fact that he was raping her on a regular basis and as a child of 8/9yr old her poor little body couldn't cope with it.. Nowadays when I get a bad flashback about him raping me I can often get the most horrendous stomach ache afterwards that can last from about half an hour up to several days... many survivors get this and its called a body reaction.. its where the body remembers the trauma but not necessarily the mind! Its just another thing that we have to contend with as we struggle to overcome the past..
I wrote yet another poem about just such a thing a year ago! As I decided it was time to look into getting myself some help to deal with it all, I called the poem 'Feelings and dealings'

FEELINGS AND DEALINGS.


Pains in my stomach thinking of the past,
How much longer will these feelings last?
The feeling of shivers down my back,
I'd like to give my triggers the sack!
Why do these feelings come to me?
Why is it sometimes I cannot see?
When I try to talk about what went on,
Sometimes these feelings last really long.
The shivers, the shakes, the tears that flow,
You all know the symptoms when they show.
But! how can we control them today?
Can anyone out there show us the way?
Dealing with all this pain in our life,
Causes us problems, causes us strife.
People around us don't understand,
They're not always there holding our hand.
We need the support of family and friends,
So into our past our demons we send.
Without that support it is so tough,
Because we on our own can't do enough.

When I wrote that one I was struggling big time trying to get my head sorted out, I couldn't sleep at night without a flashback/ bad dreams I hardly ate anything at all and lost nearly a stone in weight.. I felt so alone as I had these memories coming forward, things that I had blocked out and refused to deal with, details of him raping me of him hitting me and mum sitting there letting it happen.. she often sat in the room when he hit me, occassionally she would tell him to stop, saying enough! but not that often.. sometimes she would even hit me as he watched.. How could she do that to her own child? I'll never know the answer...

Guess what MUM I HATE YOU AND ALL YOU STOOD FOR! YOU WERE AS BAD AS HIM IN YOUR OWN WAY, I DON'T THINK YOU EVER REALLY LOVED ME OR CARED ABOUT ME BECAUSE IF YOU HAD, YOU'D HAVE STOPPED HIM.. THE DAY HE TOOK ME UPSTAIRS AND RAPED ME YOU MUST HAVE HEARD MY CRIES????? WHY DIDN'T YOU COME TO ME??????????? I HATE YOU!