Friday... Very long blog today!

Therapy day and as the day goes from bad to worse I sit here wondering what I should do?

It wasn't to bad this morning in therapy, we talked about the March/Rally last week and how emotional that was for me, Jane asked me how it felt knowing that so many other people there knew exactly how I felt? I tried to explain that it was weird.. when we all stood in a circle singing Gloria Gaynor's 'I will Survive' many had tears flowing, I had a huge lump in my throat as I fought back the tears.. (I am very wary of letting others see me cry.. If as a child I cried I was always 'Given something to cry for!' I was generally hit to say I now had a reason for the tears)..

So the rally last week was particularly tough knowing that I had to keep my emotions in check.. I gave myself the task of making sure the others who were there with me were ok.. I basically mothered them! To cover up how I really felt... Jane asked me how did I really feel? and I admitted to her that it was hard, very hard especially when people took to the microphone and started talking about their own experiences.. once or twice I had to fight back the tears especially when it was a youngster.. Knowing that what I went through as a child was still going on, still nothing is being done for the victims! as one youngsters T-Shirt said 'Abusers Protected, Victims neglected' How true!! as always all the funding goes into the so called sex offenders kitty and nothing goes to help the survivors.. because that is what we all are..'SURVIVORS'

I told Jane about my poem being read out to the crowds by this other lady as I was unable to do it myself and she asked me how that felt? I said I cried as she read my words partly as I realised how potent they were and partly because I saw others crying as she emphasised certain words.I realised that other people read my poems a completely different way to how I read them.. the poem was put on here last week.. if anyone wants to read it!
I was then asked when I wrote the poem and said it was about a year ago when the Michael Jackson Trial was on.. she asked me what was in the poem and although I couldn't remember it all I knew there was something in it about 'making children feel safe at home tomorrow' and asking Tony Blair to put himself in the childs shoes, to realise what Abuse does and do something about it... Maybe one day the powers that be will listen to us! the people who know what sort of help is needed are the ones who the government need to talk to.. but I won't hold my breath!

After being Abused for so many years by so many different people, Step fathers... A neighbour and an Ex Husband... I should be quite a strong person? But just at this moment I feel weak and timid! I feel unable to make decisions for myself and just feel I want to hide away from the world and let everyone get on with it! whatever it is! Why do I feel like this today? I'm not sure.. I have had enough of the constant struggle to put on a brave face.. to pretend that I am coping with everything just fine! I hear and read comments by others that say how they feel and can identify with so many of them at this time in my life.. but those around me who think they know me... well they really don't know me that well at all.. if they did they would know how I feel.. but to explain to them means talking face to face again and I struggle with that so much.. I realise that none of what happened to me was my fault.. I've known that for many years, but that knowledge does not take away the pain of it all! it does not help ease the shame and embarrassment that is hiding deep inside me.. it does not stop me questioning myself as to how or if I could have prevented some of it happening... it doesn't stop me re-living the brutality of what I have lived through in my sleep, in my waking hours.. I can see a programme on TV and it will bring things up for me, hear about an article in the paper where an Abuser is back living across the road from his victim? Why is that allowed? Why isn't the victim protected by law? It is wrong!!

I have had a call from my daughter today asking me if I would consider her moving back in with myself my friend and my son, I know it would be a nightmare, she and I just cannot live in the same house.. she has caused me so much pain in the past that I know I can't go through all that again.. if I agreed for her to come home things would deteriorate very quickly into chaos.. we clash far to much.. I know it wouldn't be good for me at this stage in my life, with the way I feel right now to allow her to come back.. she has problems herself and is having councelling... she caused me so much pain and heartache last year that I've never really forgiven her.. We've had to agree not to talk about what she did, so that we could have some sort of relationship as mother and daughter..
My heart is breaking as I sit here right now, if I allowed her to return My friend would move out as she knows that pain I went through a year ago and does not want to sit and watch me go through that again, she also knows that living in the same house as my daughter would be impossible for us all, if I turn my daughter away I would feel guilty knowing that I had done that.. I can''t win here! I know rationally that it is a very bad idea to let her return to live with me.. I'd be hospitalised within weeks.. but how do I tell her that? How do I do it so that she realises we can't live in the same house without fighing? we are so alike that we clash all the time.. but she is also very lazy and I know in my heart that I would end up running around after her like I did when she was a child, but she is 24yr old next month and should be standing on her own two feet and making a life for herself away from the house..... What do I do????

I will write again !!