Here I am again..

I haven't been in since friday night, mainly because I just couldn't think what to write about.. but now! well there is so much in my head right now that I thought it a good idea to try and put it all into words.

I was so angry on friday all day after discussing my mum with my therapist, I wondered if this anger was being directed to the right place? Have I got the right to be angry at her for doing what she thought was the right thing by her children? How would I feel as a mum myself if my kids were as angry with me as I was/am with her? I would be gutted, devastated that I had given them reason to be that angry at me..

But.. she didn't know any better I hear people saying... well neither did I, but there is no way on this earth that I would let anyone treat my children the way she let those men treat me! If I was ever in that situation I am sure that I would first of all kick the guy out and secondly go to the police and report him.. but she did neither of those things, she let him continue as long as she wanted ignoring her childrens cries and bruises... as long as she was ok that was all that mattered. I wrote this poem a while ago and somehow it feels the right time to put it in my blog.. hopefully it will help people understand more;

LOVE THE CHILDREN.


I'm sitting here chatting trying to write,
The story of my life not so bright.
The good times! where there really any?
The bad times in abundance, plenty!
Got to the part where he committed sin,
I vow this day I won't let him win.
Even though the words are very sore,
I'll try to tell it all and more.
So far my story is just the fact,
Of how for years I put on an act.
But now my time has truely shown,
The words the truth will be my own.
I'll try to recall every day,
When my parents love went away.
I never had a hug or a kiss,
I've never had ! so I don't miss.
This story sad and cruel to read,
I hope somewhere a lesson to heed.
If you have children, treat them right,
Please don't make them, live my fight.
It's really painful I should know,
The lines on my simple face do show.
So tell your children everyday,
That you will LOVE THEM COME WHAT MAY.

This is how it was for me as a child, How is it for your children today? Are they happy? Do they know that you love them? I wish with all my heart that I could prevent any child experiencing what I did as I grew up, but I know in my heart that I can't do that.

To feel the love that only a parent can give is so vital to a child as it grows up that when you don't get it, you end up not really knowing how to show love, How to let people get close to you, How to trust people, so very often a Survivor of Abuse, be it in childhood or adulthood end up alone unable to let anyone into their lives for fear of being hurt or Abused again.. I think I am a bit like that at the moment, I am so wary that anyone who tries to get close to me will hurt me again that I tend to push them away before that happens.. not a nice feeling being alone day after day, night after night...

I have let one friend get close to me and I have told my story to her, she has been great and very understanding towards me, she lets me talk when I need to talk even though it is hard, she hugs me when I cry and tries to cheer me up when I am sad.. In return for all this, all she has ever asked of me is my friendship which I am happy to give her, she is one amazing lady.. the best friend I could wish for at this point in my life.. I want to say a very big Thankyou to her here, because she is helping me learn to trust again, helping me to realise that not everyone wants to hurt me the way I have been hurt before, and making me realise slowly that there are some good people in this world who wouldn't hurt anyone...

In time I hope to be able to live my life as I beleive it was meant to be led.. happily and with people in it who genuinely care about me as I care about them.. One day maybe in my future I will have that dream.. I don't know when it will be, maybe years from now but I am prepared to wait if I need to.. I need to deal with all the pain and hurt from the past first so that I am a strong enough person to deal with what life throws at me.. I know its not easy life never is but a life without Abuse should be a given right for everyone, not just the select few!

Saturday 21st is fast approaching and I will be travelling to London to take part in the March to Raise Awareness about Child Abuse along with hopefully thousands fo other people.. I hope it doesn't rain! Maybe I will see some of you there???