How can I describe the way I feel this morning? not easily but I will try to write it in here..

I wake up with pain in my back, my head is all over the place today as the pain reminds me of pain suffered before and the reactions that I had from it in the past.. You see I had a car crash some 12yrs ago now and it has left me with a permenant back/neck injury. When this accident happened I was still married and althought initially my husband was supportive it didn't last for very long.. he soon got fed up with me being in pain all the time and unable to do things around the home.. even though doctors told me that I shouldn't be hoovering, cleaning etc, if I didn't do it, it didn't get done.. so I did it anyways.. His support lasted for about 6 months then he started complaining that he couldn't cope with me anymore, to be honest I think he only stayed with me initially to see what compensation I would get.. after taking some £10,000 from me he left me, which where intrim payments as I fought the case.... leaving me with two young children he went off and met someone else... He told me that he could no longer cope with me the way I was now! But I found out since then that he had in fact met this woman 7 months before he left, he had told her that we didn't sleep together anymore, that our marriage was over! First I'd heard of it.. but he did in fact do me the biggest favour of my life by leaving me that day.. OK it was very hard at first and I had to rely on good friends and neighbours to help me, but I got through it all... I sorted out my life and became a free independant woman for the first time.. so thankyou to him, he gave me my life back by leaving me!

As I sit here now I can remember times during the marriage when he would tell me I was stupid, tell me that I had no idea how things worked etc.. He made me feel Like I was nothing, not worth his or anyone elses effort.. But since then I have realised that I am more than capable of doing things that he said I couldn't.. I have raised our children without his support, and they have turned out into good adult people ( in the most part) who I beleive would never knowingly hurt anyone else. Yes my Daughter has upset and hurt me in the past, several times, but don't all children hurt their parents at some point? Her actions have reduced me to tears on many occasions but I'm not going into that right now... maybe another time..

They both know of my past and althought it can't have been an easy thing for them to hear from their mum they have both been supportive.. My son even took my Book of poems into school to show his friends and teacher and said if anyone said anything nasty about it he would 'deck them' lol.. he sticks up for his Mum as he knows it wasn't my fault that these things happened..
I love them both dearly even though at times they drive me crazy with their little quirks and laziness.. they are still both my children and always will be.. I hope I have given them a good start in life, better than the start that I had that's for sure.. and I hope that they in turn do the same for their children..

As I grew up I always vowed that I wouldn't treat my own children the way I was treated, and I didn't.. in fact if anything I was way to soft with them.. but at least I can hold my hand on my heart and say quite rightly that they had a good childhood, we may have been poor but they were loved and they know it!.. and love for a child is so important, at least they have grown up knowing how to show love to another human being, they know how to trust and who to trust they can make good judgements about who to be friends with and who to avoid.. Hopefully that will be enough for them to have a good life free from Abuse!!

I will never be able to forget the Abusive start that I had in life, the times when I wanted to run away and never go back there, the times when I wished he would beat me just that little bit more and end my life because I couldn't take it... Myself and two of my sisters all have bad backs now as we are in our middle years, mine from the accident, but my sisters both have problems because as children he threw them down the stairs for answering him back or something.. he has caused so much damage to us all, physically, mentally and emotionally that I sometimes wonder if we will ever be able to move on from it all. I hope in time that I will maybe at least be able to forgive my Mum, I'll never forget what happened but if I can forgive then maybe I can move a few steps forward. That day hasn't come yet, as I still remember things that happened, I still get the flashbacks and triggers and still feel the pain deep inside, but if at some point in the future I can learn to deal with these then maybe I have a chance?

My head keeps telling me to talk openly about it all, but I am scared to be too open for fear that people will judge me and somehow make me feel that it was my own fault.. I used to feel that way and it has taken me a long time, a very long time to put the blame and shame back where it belongs.. so its scary to risk feeling like that again.. but one day maybe I will be strong enough to take that chance? who knows!!