Its now friday evening here, 9.51 pm to be exact and I'm still very vunerable after todays session with Jane. After having a flashback in her office during the session I now feel very embarrassed about it! I'm sure as a therapist she has seen it happen before, but not with me!

I very rarely let anyone see me cry about this stuff, in fact I rarely let anyone see me cry at all because as a child If we cried for being hit or shouted at it just meant we'd be hit some more.. so I fought back the tears.. but today I lost control completely and cried like a baby... I haven't cried like that since my Mum died...

Right now I am re-living the flashback, trying to work out exactly what happened and how in the hope that maybe in future I may be able to stop it happening.. I was right back there today, in her office, but not there in my mind, I was back at south street as a small vunerable 14yr old child and he was doing things to me that no adult should do to a child or an adult comes to that..
I can recall the feeling of fear, of being very scared.. when he shouted we jumped.. that was the way it was.. then I remember the pain...... the horrendous pain as he forced something inside me.... then I heard a voice telling me I was safe.. its not happening now I heard.. its in the past.. not the present.. The voice I heard was my therapist telling me I was ok... there was just her and me in the room and he wasn't here!.. when I looked at the clock I noticed I had lost over 20 mins.... I have no idea what I said if anything in that time.... I have no knowledge apart from this as to what happened or what Jane saw! I know that when I came back I was sweating, shaking and had made a big indent on the arm of her chair... I felt very scared and vunerable and that feeling has stayed with me all afternoon.. only now after some 12 hours is it begining to ease away...

More of the damage done to the victim by the evil pig that I used to call my step dad.. even though he and mum didn't marry until I was about 28/29 he was always about as I grew up, I know now that it was likely the fact that he was able to do what he did, and get away with it that probably made him keep coming back... nothing to do with the fact that he loved or cared for any of us, probably including mum herself.... I'm now going to try and tell a good friend exactly what happened that day, so will sign off for now... maybe one day I will be able to tell you! who knows?