Memories and flashbacks have become part of my life now as I try so hard in therapy to deal with all that happened to me, they can be very painful and Traumatic to experience.

A memory can come at the most inconvenient time, I can be sitting watching TV or even walking around a supermarket when suddenly I will have thoughts about something that happened to me. This can be anything at all good and bad, not that there are really any good memories nowadays.. It can be set off or triggered, by the look of someone, who maybe resembles someone from the past, by a smell or even a noise like a song on the radio or TV.. you generally don't get a warning about it, it just happens and you have to deal with it at the time.

Sex is one of the biggest triggers a survivor experiences, mainly because that is the cause of a lot of the heartache and pain, we have to be able to completely trust our partner to be able to have any enjoyment at all, and even when we do it can still trigger us back there, a simple word said or even a touch in certain places can send you back quicker than a flash! Imagine if your making love to your partner when suddenly she/he starts to cry, to scream and shout 'get off me'... how would that make you feel?

For partners of survivors its very hard to understand just what damage has been done to their loved ones.. its hard to know what to do or even what to say to try and re-assure them, many do however manage that, but sadly some just can't understand, and then the survivor once more feels that they are being abused all over again. I know in my marriage my husband didn't understand and wasn't even prepared to try.. In the throws of passion I'd get triggered and instead of stopping immediately as he should have he would carry on, mistaking my reactions for passion! and making me feel that I was back there all over again, out of control and being raped by my step father. I began to dread going to bed at night as it often felt that I was being Abused again.. It was bad enough in the daytime as he tried to control my every move I certainly didn't need it at night as well. But very often survivors of abuse end up in abusive relationships because for whatever reason they are drawn to that type of people, it's what they get used to as they grown up, they often see their parent mainly the mother being beaten abused etc, so beleive it is normal within relationships, the cycle of Abuse is so hard to break many succeed as I now feel I have, but sadly many don't and they continue to be abused throughout their married life as well as their childhood.

If the correct help had been given when the Abuse was first reported then many would not have to suffer this extra pain on top of everything else. I know that all of my sisters have had at least one relationship that has been abusive, all because of what we saw and experienced as we grew up! that man has so much to answer for.. there are so many questions that I would like to ask him!

A few months ago I was determined to confront him face to face and ask him why, But when the day approached I had got myself into such a state wondering how he would react that I'd made myself ill. I just couldn't do it, all the old fears came back to me, what if he started shouting and what if he lashed out at me? how would I be able to deal with that? would seeing him again send me straight back there? would I at 47 yr old be that child again that he raped and abused so much? So I chickened out and cancelled the visit that I had planned with my sister.. a good friend of mine was going to come along as well and had tried to re-assure me that if he did anything at all she would look after me, but even that wasn't enough to give me the courage to face him! The last time I saw him was in court all those years ago, he was half the man I remembered and looked frail and weak, but still now he is a free man once more I'd convinced myself that he would now look just like he did back then when I was a child. How could I as an adult cope with that? Do I have the courage and anger inside me to tell him just what his actions have done to me? how they have affected my life now? how I have problems trusting anyone? how I get these horrible nightmares/flashbacks/dreams and triggers about my childhood? what would his reaction be to that, would he even care? somehow I doubt it. He has had his satisfaction all those years ago and as with most paedophiles he most likely has no regrets at all as far as he is concerned it is all completely normal behaviour for an adult man to rape and abuse a child.. the younger the better.. So I deemed that it was a waste of time and effort to even think about confrontation with him because I doubt that I will get the answers that I'm looking for, there is very little hope that he will ever apologise for what he did so what is the point?

I'll continue going to therapy and trying to talk about what he put me through, though I still can't seem to actually say the words to my therapist.. to sit there in the same room as her and actually tell her that he raped me somehow fills me with shame and embarrassement, even though I know its safe to tell her now, somehow I just can't say the words.. I can type or write them no problem at all but saying them, voicing them is totally different for me, I know other survivors who have told me that the hardest thing to do is actually say the words, I was raped, abused etc... why??? it's like my voice has disappeared when I try to speak about it all, I get upset often ending up in tears as I think about what I have lost! Because of what he did I lost my childhood and most of my adult life as well.. I'm still working on putting things right within myself but will I ever succeed? will I ever reach a point where I can talk openly about what he did to me with anyone?..

I am attending a Rally/March in London on 21st October to raise awareness about Child Abuse and the damage it causes, there is a big petition being passed around on the day for signatures and they will be taken to Downing Street at the end of the rally, but will anyone hear our voices? Will this government see that we the victims need more help than the perpetrators? will they put things in place so that the children of today will get the help they need if they are in that situation? somehow I don't think so!.. but we will march from Marble Arch to Trafalgar Square in the hope of at least raising awareness to the public of this country..... wish us luck eh!