Sunday afternoon, I am sat at home with both my children and a very good friend who is staying with me, we are all watching a movie about a family of 18 children! their lifes are chaotic but happy.. totally the opposite to what I grew up with! A typical day for this family is chaos at breakfast, lots of laughter and typical childhood rivalry.. in my house when I grew up it was still choas in the morning but there was very little laughter!

If we took too long in the bathroom we would be shouted at, even smacked. We were called every morning about 7am to get up, breakfast would be on the table by 7.30 and we all had to be washed dressed and downstairs by that time, if we were late because someone spent too long in the bathroom we would more often than not be hit! by 8am we had to have finished breakfast and be ready to leave for school, again if we weren't we would either be shouted at or be hit depending on his mood at the time. After school we had to return home straight away, school usually finished about 3.15 and we had to walk home about half a mile, we had to be home by no later than 4pm else we'd be in trouble again! we always came home to a list of chores on mantel piece, each of us had a set job to do each day and it had to be done by the time Mum or him got home from work!
Once My Mum got home we would have dinner and generally it consisted of a meat and vegetables, most children don't like vegetables, but we had no choice but to eat them regardless. If we complained it could set him off into a rage, so often we tried to eat them with something else to disguise the taste! very often I just wouldn't be able to eat them all with the potato or meat and would be left with some when everything else was finished. I wasn't allowed to leave them so I would sit there struggling trying to work out what to do, but as soon as he had finished eating he would start to complain that I took to long eating and needed to learn how to hurry up!
But I was never fast enough for him! Most mealtimes became a torture for me as he would force feed me whatever I had left, he would initially start by shouting at me and that would make me very nervous as a small child, if I still didn't eat fast enough for his liking he would frequently sit beside me and force feed me, he would do this by holding my nose closed and once I opened my mouth to breath he would force a forkful of food into my mouth, if I dared to gag or start to choke he would often hit out at me, making me cry and if I cried he would hit me again for being a wimp! almost every mealtime I had to endure him force feeding me, mealtimes from the age of about 6 years to 16 years became a living nightmare hence my hatred now of people watching me eat. It is another thing in my life that he has ruined for me, another lasting scar left by the Abuse I suffered at his hands.
I sometimes sit here at home wondering if I will ever get over what he did to me as I grew up? Will I ever be able to forget the things he did? the things he said about me? I know I can learn to deal with it and somehow get my life back to the way it should be, but will I ever be able really forget? Will the flashbacks about what he did ever stop? the nightmares and memories ever calm down once more? so that I can say I have dealt with it all and I'm ok? Or will they all end up tucked away within my head to surface at another time in my life? How will I know that I have dealt with it all? How will I know that the same thing isn't happening in another household somewhere in the UK right now? What could I possibly do to stop this sort of thing from happening to another child? At this time in my life I have no idea, but I am working on it, the laws need to be changed to make sure the people who do this are sufficiently punished, the children need to be listened to carefully and heard!...

I wrote a poem about just this last year when all my past re-surfaced for me, it was called 'My Message' and I feel this is the place to put it now, in the hope that is is read by millions and understood, that somehow someone can get the message out there!

My Message!

Why do I have all these fears in my heart?

Why right now are they tearing me apart?

I can't seem to do anything right,

Living here now in constant fright.

Terrified of going outside alone,

Even more scared of answering the phone!

After all these bastards put me through,

I'm still here fighting alongside all of you.

Together we can make our way,

To a brighter future, a brighter day.

With all of you right by my side,

I know I can cope with the roughest ride.

I'll make it through until the end,

A big Clear message I hope to send.

Abuse the childen of today,

We will find you come what may!

We'll punish you all for doing wrong,

We'll help the children re sing their song.

But we need help, to get this message out,

We need everyone to stand up and shout!

We did no wrong, we're not at fault,

Please put these Bastards in a vault.

Don't let them out for being good!

Please understand, you know you should.

Child Abuse is a horrible Crime,

I KNOW! BECAUSE I REMEMBER MINE!.

Please help me get this message out! Help us all Stand up and shout!