Today started off badly.

I woke up after having a bad night of flashbacks and dreams at 7.20am shaking.. tears running down my face and not really sure why.. I can remember that last night the flashback was about Don again, he did so much to me when I was young that there is lots to come out and lots to deal with.. the lid appears to be off once more.. I still feel very low but thankfully not as low as I was yesterday.

In the Flashback last night he was initially hitting me, in fact beating me I have no idea why, or what I was supposed to have done wrong.. maybe nothing because he could flip and lose it as quickly as you can switch on a light.. but I do remember the pain of it this morning.. I can recall that I woke crying and shaking once again, and feeling very insecure once more... this is my life these days as a Survivor, it's not easy but I have no choice but to live through it because of what he did..

The memories can be very painful to recall.. in fact just this morning I had a visit from two of my sisters who live nearby, we got talking about things and recalled just how intimidating he was back then when we were small children.. We worked out that he must have been about 20 stone, a very large heavy man that easily intimidated us by his stature alone... we talked briefly about whether my sisters had seen his son about in town, and they both said they hadn't seen him in ages... my one sister then said that we can't let what he did control us! else it takes over your life... if only it was that easy... it makes me so mad when people tell me to forget it, its in the past move on from it! I wish to god I could.. but when you re-live it in your sleep, when you feel the pain from what he did all over again its not that easy to forget.. Why do people have this attitude? The sister who said this has admitted to me that he never raped her! She didn't suffer any Sexual Abuse as a child so its much easier for her to move onward and upwards. .. Why can't she understand that it isn't that easy for me?? How do I make her understand me?

I still feel that I have lost my way a bit this morning, but its not as bad as it felt yesterday.. maybe I need to try writing more? its so hard to explain feelings in words like this but I seem to be able to do it in a poem so maybe thats what I need to do again? I'll give it a go here now....

Wondering Why?

Feeling lost, spaced out of control,

Who in my life has the lead role?

Thoughts in my head making me cry,

I sit here at night wondering why?

The pain that I'm feeling, won't go away,

It doesn't matter, what anyone will say.

Tell me to move on, forgive and forget,

Could you, I ask, I doubt it I'd bet!

Reliving the pain as I go to sleep,

Memories in my head, I'll always keep.

Trying to work out, what can I do?

As I write my story, I'm telling you!

The pain and the sorrow, of a child Abused,

The feelings of always being used.

The loss of control, as he takes his belt,

The feelings of helplessness that I felt.

The Child in my life crying each night,

Living a life, that was full of fright.

A mother unable, to protect us at all,

A mother unable, to stop our downfall.

A mother who wanted, a man in her life,

A mother who's children, lived with the strife.

A child in the end fucked up, insecure,

A child who has days of feeling unsure.

An adult who now tries hard not to cry,

As I sit here each day, wondering why!

That just about explains explains how I feel right now! I have just written this direct here onto the blog..

Added 7/11/06... just received this review for this poem on a poetry site I belong to, so thought I would share it with you all;

Review:THIS IS VERY, VERY EMOTIONAL AND POWERFUL!I AM HONORED TO BE THE FIRST ONE TO REVIEW.THE RHYMED COUPLETS ADD IMPACT TO EVERYTHOUGHT. YOU WRITE WITH SUCH DESCRIPTIVESKILL THAT THE READER INSTANTLY GETS IMAGESOF THIS MOST TRAGIC TALE OF YOUR PAST.MAY GOD BLESS YOU AND HEAL YOU!!!! CODYKINS