What an emotional weekend this has been for me!

First of all the Rally and March on Saturday.. brought up so many different feelings that at times I wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry, there was the realisation that hundreds of thousands of people know how I feel, they know the pain that I have suffered all these years because they have suffered it as well. I always knew that there were others out there that knew the pain but it isn't until you meet that many so close together that it really hits home.. right between the eyes where you can't avoid it.

The strength of these people is amazing the determination to get through it, the admissions by some that they self harm even today as a coping technique.. one woman actually admitted to everyone in Trafalgar Square that she scratches her feet everyday until they bleed...'and it hurts, it bloody hurts' she said.. but she can see no other way at this time to cope with her pain!

If only the help was there when victims first broke the silence, if they were offered some form of help by councelling etc.. then maybe just maybe people wouldn't resort to this sort of thing?
We had some laughs on Saturday as well, as we shared some of the good times with people from our groups... you have to laugh occassionally else life would be so boring wouldn't it? as we walked down to Downing Street we laughed and joked together to lighten the mood and take away our thoughts from our sore feet.. and my god were they sore!! yep!.. by the time I got home on Saturday night I could barely walk.. the pain in my feet and calfs so bad that I was almost in tears.. but after a rest overnight and they have eased quite a bit now..

Sunday brought it's own trauma's... last Thursday I had an Intruder in my house, police were called and we beleived the matter dealt with, but last night... I had a call from my sister telling me that she had an intruder! I told her to call the police immediately and they were brilliant for her, they arranged for her locks to be changed before they left her and thinking she was safe I decided to go to sleep.. but that wasn't going to happen quickly.. within minutes of turning of my light I had a flashlight beam through my bedroom window, just like I'd had on Thursday before the intruder got in.. being frightened all over again I called my son to come into my room, then Had a panic attack... my son was telling me to call the police... but I couldn't talk so he had to do it.. we were terrified, my friend, my son and I all stayed upstairs just in case it was going to happen again and they managed to get into the house... the police said they would send a car round.. it took about 10 minutes to arrive but when they got here and I told them what had been going on including my sisters break in, it was like they didn't beleive me? I was left feeling very unsafe and insecure last night as I tried to work out what was going on..

You see my niece is at this time pressing charges on a man who abused her when she was 14yr old.. this man is known locally as a nasty peice of work and I have been told the type that would stop at nothing to get the case against him dropped! even if that means attacking and killing my neices aunts to get her to drop it all... I've told my neice to keep going regardless we'll be ok, but I have to hide from her how scared we really are here.. If the police don't beleive me what can I do? will it take one of us getting badly hurt before they beleive me?? what can I do to keep myself and my family safe? I have no idea..

My other sisters including my neice's mum live round the corner from me, and thankfully so far have not had any problems I hope it stays that way.. but if it doesn't will the police beleive us then? why can't they just accept that we wouldn't make up a story like this, what would be the point? How do I make them see that we are genuinely scared, in fact terrified of what is going on? My Anxiety levels today are as high as they've been in a very long time.. and I can't seem to calm them down at the moment.. I'm ok in daylight as I can see clearly but when its dark its terrifying me.. even inside my home where I am supposed to be safe I feel scared.. and there appears to be nothing I can do about it.. anyone got any idea's??

Meanwhile I continue trying to deal with the issues of my past, the realisations that it has affected my whole life, that it most likely helped to destoy my marriage by making me the submissive person that I was back then.. but not now! nowadays I am much stronger and i will not let it control me today or any other day comes to that.. My neice is struggling big time as her Abuser returns to answer his bail at the end of this week.. she knows that the case is going to go to court, and she will no doubt have to stand up in that court room and tell a room full of stangers the intimate details of what that man did to her all those years ago.. I clearly remember how intimidating that can be as they ask you how many partners you've slept with? whats your sex life like now? personal questions that really shouldn't be asked of an Abuse victim.. what difference does it make anyways? I'd love to know... or is it just their curiosity that makes them ask these questions? and if so Why?

So as I said a vey emmotional weekend this week.. but I struggle onward and upward I will not be beaten down again!