Friday again...

Been a pretty weird week this week... I have been very low most of the time due to problems that are happening here.. one good thing this week though was that I went to see Sir Cliff Richard live at Wembley Arena in London on wednesday evening.. Even though it was a long drive from where I now live it certainly was worth the journey.. He came on stage at 7.30 pm and apart from an intermission of 15 mins was there until 10.30pm.. his stamina is amazing for someone his age.. god I hope I have as much when I get to that age.. lol..

On the way home from the concert, I decided to cut across London to get home I thought the quicker way! but I got lost in the middle of town and it took twice as long as it should have.. still I got to see the christmas lights in Oxford Street for the first time in three years..lol as we went through South London I decided to go via where I used to live when I was 19 yr old.. I showed my friend the house where I was raped by my neighbour!.. I didn't think that driving past it would be a problem to me, but it was, as I pointed out the window of what was my room, I suddenly felt very uneasy... I remembered his face, his smell, his voice... I drove past pretty quickly.. I didn't want to hang around.. I doubt that the guy in question still lives there in fact the look of the building had changed quite a bit and could now be a family home.. but I was expecting him to come out the door? As we drove away I felt very unsafe and shaken again, so I locked the car doors telling my friend that it wasn't exactly a very safe area, we headed towards the A23 and home.. finally getting home at 2.30am on Thursday morning..

Wednesday was also my daughters 24th birthday and tomorrow is my son's 18th.. so its been arranging things for both of them thats taken up my thoughts as well... We're going out tomorrow night with members of my family and some of my sons friends to a restaurant for a meal, then on to buy him his first legal pint in the local..lol.. hopefully it will be a good night eh!..

I had therapy again today as is usual for a friday, and told my therapist about the drive past that I'd done on the way home.. She asked me what I would have done if he had come out of the door! I said that I have no idea what I would have done,but I doubt that I would have recognised him now anyways...he has no doubt changed quite a bit after all these years, but just driving past had made me remember more of what had happened that day.. she asked me if I could tell her about what I remembered now and I said I keep getting this flashback/dream about being throttled/strangled and having a heavy weight on me, obviously as I recall the rape itself.... I come out of it choking and coughing struggling to breath and generally end up having an asthma attack.. once that calms down I always feel the need to cover myself up and generally wrap my duvet around me tight.. She told me that this is probably because thats what I did on the day and it makes me feel safe again.. but its a horrible feeling and one that I cetainly do not enjoy at all... I have virtually no control at all over this particular dream recently, sometimes I can stop it if its daylight and there are others around me but at night it is especially hard to control... she suggested once again that I try really hard when I can feel it happening to try and focus on something in the room I'm in.. try to distract my thoughts onto something more pleasant and maybe I will be able to stop it happening... alternatively I need to talk about it with someone I can trust.. which I have agreed to try and do.. not sure how well I'll do though as it feels pretty fresh again right now, but I am prepared to try if it will help stop these dreams...

Looking forward to tomorrow now and trying to put all my stresses and wories to one side for my son's 18th celebrations... hopefully he will enjoy the night eh!..