Friday again...

Of course that means therapy sessions.. today wasn't to bad if I'm honest about it.. we started talking about my poems and what I get from writing them, also about me writing here! I have admitted to my therapist that I am writing this blog and she has agreed that it seem to be a good idea for me as it enables me to get things out that I have difficulty saying to anyone face to face..

She asked me what I actually get from writing about things here and I had to admit that it seems to help me get things out, feelings and such.. It also seems to help knowing that others are reading it and maybe understanding where I am coming from! understanding that just because the Abusive situation is no longer there, we can't just forget it and move on..

The memories remain as does the pain, and the lack of understanding from some people make matters much worse than they need to be. When I get told to 'forget it, it's in the past, move on and live your life'! it is painful and upsetting, as it becomes clear to me that whoever is saying it just doesn't understand and has no intention of even trying to..

That is one of the reasons I started writing in here, to help people understand just what abuse does to a child, how the damage is life long, how it affects them for the rest of their lives.. it doesn't just go away, as they grow up... it remains.. Jane asked me about the poems that I write and asked me if they are about any particular thing, I told her most of them are about my life as a child and now, and some contain graffic details about what happened to me, she asked me what other type of poem do I write? and I said I also do some fun ones, one in fact that came to mind was about butterflies.. hence my name here!.. it was the life of the butterfly from catterpillar to chrysalis to butterfly floating free, Jane asked if I thought this one was also about my life? and I said no, but when she explained the changes of the butterfly to the changes in my life I sort of agreed with her.. she asked if the poems had changed over the years and I said I thought they had... In my older poems they were all quite negative whereas nowadays most end on a possitive note saying things like 'I will get through, or I will win this fight.. a good change compared to 2yrs ago, where at that time I had just started really talking about things with a friend on line.

I had been in a support group for a few months and had been talking to people from there on msn messenger.. I had had several of them telling me they were suicidal and couldn't cope anymore with the dreams nightmares and flashbacks, but when I needed to talk NO ONE was prepared to listen to me? I had begun to feel that no one cared, no one was interested as to how I felt, how my life had affected me, until one day a lady that I had spoken to just a few times before saw a poem I wrote on the group and answered me saying that she would listen to me anytime! shocked wasn't the word I felt at the time, astounded was more like it, but we arranged a time and day to meet up on line and I said I would try to talk to her.. when the day came I was very nervous as I had never talked about myself in that way before, but after a few nervous emails back and forward she agreed to ask me questions and said only to answer if I wanted to and we could stop anytime, all I had to do was type the word stop and we would...

So for the first time in years I was finally telling someone all the details of what I had experienced, not face to face but it was a start..now some 2yrs later we are the best of friends, in fact she now lives with me and my son, she is the best friend I have ever had and I know that I can talk to her whenever I need to... BUT!! I still can't do it face to face.... the words just will not come.. one time I came close, we were on line sat next to each other on the sofa, I answered her question and when I looked over I saw she crying, not because I had done anything but because she was sorry that I had had to experience the things I had told her... I hate thinking that I have upset anyone, let alone made them cry... so I stopped talking that day and have barely done so since... Jane has asked me to try again, she reminded me that I haven't really told her all that much about what happened even though I have been going to see her for about a year now.. so she has set me the task of once again trying to talk to my friend, and then maybe talk to her next week about the same things we talk about...

Not sure how I'll do with it all but I said that I would give it a try again.. thats all I can promise, I will try and I will do my best... We'll see where it leads to eh!!