Friday again...

Today therapy wasn't to bad, Jane asked how my week had been and I told her about the medical on wednesday and the doctors report saying that I had been diagnosed with depression back in 1996, she asked me how I felt about that an I said I was a bit confused as no one had told me, this was the firt time I had heard it.. but my own doctor hadn't mentioned my back problems at all! So I was a bit confued by this and intend to go and see him eary next week..

We covered lots of different area's from my childhood to my marriage.. initially we were talking about my Mum's experiences with the different men, that I saw as I grew up, although Don was a constant person in the household, she did occasionally see other people when he wasn't around for whatever reason.. She asked me 'what was my first memory of Don?' and I told her he was there from the first day that I arrived in England at age 5yr.. He was nasty from that point on and very rarely did he behave as you would expect a father/step father to be.. and I knew somehow that I would grow to hate him, just didn't know back then how much!

We went on to talk about when he first started abusing us all, and I said the physical and emotional stuff was immediately, but the sexual much later with me as I got older.. she asked me if I knew if he'd attempted to do anything with my sisters..I told her that my eldest sister had told me, that he tried to do something to her when she was about 14yr old, but someone came to the door and he stopped, never doing anything again... with Marie.. he had started on her sexually by the time she was 8yrs old.. raping her regularly... so I can't understand why he would try anything with the rest of us.. but by the time I was 14yr old he started on me... my other sister he had tried something but she was in the kitchen at the time and grabbed a knife and told him straight 'try anything and I'll use it'... well done her!!
Jane told me that she wondered if he had deliberately seeked out a family such as ours with four young girls in! as many phaedophiles target such families especially when the woman is alone and the father of the children not nearby!.. I have no idea if this is the case or not but it sure does sound a possibility..

We then started talking about my marriage... what had it been like? I told Jane that it was only a year or so ago that I finally accepted my marriage was abusive! she asked me how it was in the begining, was he controlling from the start? I told her that initially when we first met he was very nice, as you'd expect him to be. He stayed like that until we had been posted oversea's, (he was in the British Army when we met).. once oversea's I was unable to work so was totally dependant on him for everything, that's when things changed.. he started asking me what I'd done all day when he was at work, who had I seen what had we talked about etc... I didn't notice it at the time but looking back now I can see it clearly.. he was controlling my every move.. After having our daughter we came back to the UK.. and he carried on in the army here, money was tight so we decided it would be a good idea if I got a job.. so I found a child carer for my daughter and a job and returned to work.. I thought things would go back to how they'd been before we had been oversea's, but they didn't.. even though I was now earning again things remained the same, he even wanted to know who I had spoken to at work and what about!.. then I found out he was having an affair, with my so called best friend! he's got her pregnant three times before I found out what was going on.. thankfully each time it was an eptopic pregnancy so didn't result in any children... but that's no excuse.. I went to see her and basically ran her out of town.. Jane asked me if it felt good doing that and I had to admit it did.. for once in a long time I had finally stood up for myself.. We came out of the Army, initially he was going to move in with us (my daughter and I), just to make sure the flat was ok, but he never left.. it wasn't long before he was up to his old tricks again, but now he was keeping me short of money as well so that I couldn't do anything without him knowing about it...

Jane said that I probably accepted his behaviour because that was what I'd seen my Mother put up with, if you don't see good relationships around you as you grow up then how can you possibly know what a good one is? without that training it was almost guaranteed that I would follow in my mum's footsteps.. going from abuse to abuse.. just as I did, I was in the circle... I said it felt like I had 'Abuse me' written across my forehead at some points as it just kept happening to me as I grew up, even in my marriage.. Jane tried to understand what I meant by that but I said its as if I send out a signal that I am easy prey to abuse... But I felt that I had now finally broken the circle as I feel certain that I won't allow it to happen again....

We talked about a few other things that I don't feel ready to put in here yet, maybe sometime soon who knows.. but all in all it wasn't to bad today.. I have lots to think about over the next week till I see her again next friday...