Monday morning..

Another day in the week of hell that I call my life! I have had so many flasbacks this weekend that even now I feel fragile and vunerable.. flashbacks about being raped as a child and as an adult are making me feel so low that somedays I don't know what to do with myself.

It's not fair that I have to have this complication in my life, I didnt ask for any of the pain or sorrow that was dealt out to me, but I am the one who has to deal with it all now... in my sleep I remember the incidents so clearly that it is like it's happening all over again.. as a child there were so many different incidents that it is hard to know which one is which.. the times when I was raped were so similar most of the time that I can't actually say how often it happened. Was it once a week? twice, or three times? I have no idea, all I know is that it was far to often for me to handle.

As a small child living in the situation I would revert into myself, try to block out what was happening. I told no one about the rapes as they didn't beleive me when I told about the beatings so thought the same would happen again.. and he had threatened me sufficiently to scare me into keeping quiet.. by telling me that my mum would die if I told.. I didn't want my mum to die so I didn't tell anyone for many years.. My nickname as a child was mouse, or titch.. I was very small for my age in build and height.. no doubt that is how he was able to intimidate me so easily.. he manipulated me so easily as I was scared of him in every way.. Iknew that if I didn't do as he asked he would find an excuse to beat me.. in front of others or when he was alone with me.. I used to try everything to make sure I tried everything tomake sure I wasn't alone with him but it didn't always work.. he always seemed to find a way to make sure we were alone at home regularly..
He'd find ways to get mum to ground me, so that I wasn't allowed out but send everyone else out to play! just so that he could play with me in that way.. god he hurt me so much.. at 14yr old I was innocent, I knew the facts of life but had never even seen a naked man at that point.. I hadn't started my periods yet so was completely unsure initially what was going on.. but it didn't take me to long to realise that I didn't like what he did! I can clearly remember the first time, when Mum had gone to her brothers wedding with my Nan.. the pain I suffered afterwards lasted for days.. I became more shy and quieter than I had ever been and can remember my Mum asking me if I was ok several times in the immediate weeks afterwards.. I had to say I was else I knew he would beat me or worse still do it again.. but even though I kept quiet He DID IT AGAIN.. within a week he was doing it often.. it started of just the odd occassion but when he realsied that I wouldn't talk about it it became more frequent.. sometimes as much as every day! whilst mum was at work..

Feeling very vunerable right now, I have never spoke about how this all happened... about how often it happened or how it really felt to me as a child... and my god does it hurt? as I sit here now writing this I can feel the pain deep inside my stomach.. I'm shaking and feel like crying as I think about what that bastard did to me and my sister...

Got to stop can't do this!!