Monday Morning...

Another new week begins and to start it off I had a nasty flashback last night.. Just as I was going to sleep I was suddenly back in Cyprus with my step-father numbe two.. Well the second one who abused me!

I could feel my back itching all over, thats how I know its him.. he was a very hairy man and it is the one thing that stands out very clearly in my mind.. as his skin touched me I was itching all over.. I felt his hands all over my body and couldn't stop myself from scratching.. the feelings of fear overtook once more and I couldn't seem to stop them.. I felt the pressure as he forced himself on me and mauled my body.. all the time I was telling him to stop and all the time he was calling me by my Mum's name... she'd died just 6 months before and he missed her, or so he said.. he claimed that I reminded him of her so much that he lost track of who I was, that was his excuse for doing what he did?

I had gone on that holiday to keep him company, what a mistake! I wish I'd never heard his name, wish I'd never met him, wish I had never gone on the holiday with him! We'd been there for 7 days already before he did anything, I felt safe being there with him until that fateful morning.. I woke up to find him touching me as he masterbated... when I realised what was happening I jumped out of bed shouting and crying asking why? All he could do was say 'I'm sorry, but your so like your mum and I miss her'! As if that's any excuse? To sexually abuse your step daughter..

When we returned home the next day I knew I had to keep quiet, I told no one what had happened fo many years, in fact until lat year I had kept his nasty dirty secret to myself. I have no idea why I didn't tell maybe I should have? but I didn''t.. He was still in contact with me until then.. but now I have told my sisters what he did and he has been told to stay away, never to contact any of us again.. when we told him this he claimed he did nothing wrong? he said he didn't remember and that he was dying anyways, out of spite I said 'well hurry up and die then, cause I don't care anymore' I hung up the phone... but last night it was all fresh in my head once more a I felt him touching and mauling me... maybe I need to talk this through with someone? maybe then it will lose its strength to upset me this much? Today I yet again have a horrible stomach ache, I feel vunerable and scared and just want to hide away again.. it feels like everyone I see will know what happened and will blame me? Am I to blame? Should I have refused to go on that holiday with him all those years ago??