Sunday Morning .... 2.19 am...

I must admit before I start I am a little worse for wear through alcohol.. its been my son's 18th birthday so I have had a few drinks tonight...

I am pretty angry tonight to be honest.. I got home from the restaurant with my friend about 8.30pm..leaving my son with his friends to have a good time, he doesn't want his mum cowding him on his 18th eh!... By 9pm we had had someone trying to get into the house, they tried my front door and scared the life out of me and my friend.. this has been going on for months now! we have had someone, who I think maybe my step father or a member of his family... trying to scare the life out of me, and its working a treat, we get flashlights shining into my bedroom late at night, trying my front and back doors..I call he police and by the time they arrive there is no sign of anyone...I now have to put the safety chain on the front door when ever I am home alone... Its really beginning to get to me now. I just want to know who it is and what they want from me... its many years since our case was in court and he said he was going to get me to clear his name... maybe its not him, but the chances of it being someone else ?? who else would be this persistant and want to upset/scare me??? I have no idea.. the polie have made it clear they don't beleive me, so until whoever it is is caught we have to live in fright not knowing.....

The other problem when I get a bit worse for wear from drinking, is that I have great difficulty keeping the flashbacks in tact.. memories come forward and its very hard to stop them.. I have a few memories right now of thing that happened when I was a child... the beatings that I endured by that bastard are pretty fresh in my head right now... he was evil itself and seemed to enjoy hitting young innocent children for pleasure... his pleasure.. certainly not ours.. he hurt us all like hell and we most deffinately didn't enjoy what he did especially my sister and me who he found pleasure in raping!! he had started on my sister when she was just 8yr old... the fucking bastard!! who in their right mind would get pleasure in raping an 8yr old child?? and why would they do it?? how can they possibly justify hurting a child in that way? what is it that they get from it? I wish I could understand even if only for a few minutes..... maybe then I could explain to myself why it all happened... why did they all want to hurt me so much when I grew up? why do so many people get pleasure in hurting others in that way? I have been forced to have sex against my will many times and its not a nice experience I can tell you, its bad enough if it happens once but when it happens more than that its just not right and not fair at all...

Best get off here else I will be going into stuff I don't want to go into .... so goodnight all...