Very Vunerable right now..

Had a major flashback last night as I was having some fun with a friend, all of a sudden I was back to my little flat when I was 19yr old.. I was being raped by a neighbour and could feel his hands around my throat as he tried to keep me quiet.. I felt him forcing himself inside me and the pain was horrendous.. According to my friend I was fighting him off, well trying to and Not succeeding as he raped me.. He had forced his way into my room, and ripped of my clothes before removing his own, he pushed me onto my bed and forced me to have sex with him.. I hated every second, as he held me down so hard that I couldn't move, I couldn't get away and I couldn't stop him doing what he wanted......

Not sure how long it took my friend to bring me back but I know that when I did retun to the here and now, I felt very scared and had to take a good look around the room to get my bearings, to realise where I was and remember that I was safe now, this was in the past and wasn't happening now! My friend hugged me and reassured me that all was ok and has offered to help me try to talk about things, whether I'll be able to or not I'm not sure, but I know I need to try as its the only way for me to break the control these memories have on me now..

I so want to be able to move on from all this, but it's so damned hard to do.. without talking face to face with someone about it all in detail, it will always have some sort of hold on me, so I know I need to find my voice and verbalise it all to someone... who that will be I'm not sure yet but it needs to be someone I can trust completely, someone who will not judge me and someone who understands how hard it is to talk about.. they will need to be able to hear the horrible details about what these people did to me when they raped and abused me, they'll need to be able to give me a hug if thats what I need, so that kinda puts out my therapist as she is not allowed to do that! So maybe my friend will be my best option? I know at the moment I can tell her anything so maybe tonight I will try to really talk and see how far I can go!...

Will write in here tomorrow and maybe be able to say how much I did??