Wednesday Evening..

Today has not really been a very good day! First of all I woke up really early at 7am... much earlier than I had planned to wake up, but dreams and such can't seem to tell the time can they? I woke up with a start and almost jumped out of bed... After having a coffee to wake me up properly, I decided to go and have my shower and get dressed as I had to go out today..

To start off with I had to have a medical for my disability.. I arrived a few minutes late because of the traffic but it didn't matter as the doctor wasn't ready for me anyways, eventually he called me in and introduced himself, told me what he had been asked to do, then after asking me lots of questions about my condition, the doctor informed me that I had been diagnosed with Depression back in 1996? Yet I didn't even know about it?? How can that happen in this day and age? My own doctor had not informed them about my back problem, I have a disc herniation at c5/c6 in my neck which has resulted in me having Arthritus and Osteoporosis in my spine and shoulders affecting my hips and knees as well.. How could my own doctor fail to inform them of this? But tell them about the depression that I didnt know they had diagnosed back then? ok, I don't exactly go to him every week saying my back hurts, but last year year he referred me to the local hospital pain clinic and regularly gives me pain killers on prescription.... For my Back!!

After all the chatter this doctor today decided to examine my back and neck and really hurt me, Unintentionally, ever since then my neck and back has been very painful and no doubt now I will suffer tomorrow... he asked me what help I was getting with my depression and I told him that I attend councelling every week, He asked if it had got worse in the last year or so and I had to admit it had, then he asked me why,.. but I just said it was down to dealing with issues from my past...He asked me if my sleep was ok and I told him that it can vary, sometimes I sleep well but others I get woken up by my nightmares and flashbacks, so not a good sleep at all... he again asked me why, Probing for more information but I didn't tell him.. I suppose if he'd pushed a bit more I may have said something, but I didn't feel comfortable telling this guy who was after all a complete stranger to me, I've never seen him before and doubt I will ever see him again... so what was the point? All I need is for him to accept that I do have problems and am doing my best to overcome them.. he asked me if I hoped to return to work one day and I said that was my aim, but at the moment I just don't think I could cope with it... hopefully his report will back up what I have already said and I will still get my money...

As I left the offices where the medical took place, I started shaking uncontrollably.. I have no idea why but I could quite easily have cried at that moment, but as I was in the street I had to hold back.. my friend who was with me hugged me and said lets go for a starbucks coffee... that was very appealing so off we went, it did me the world of good, to just be able to sit and relax for a few minutes and have a coffee with a great friend... I felt much better afterwards and we headed back towards home...

When we got back home later in the afternoon, we were sat having some lunch when we heard noises from upstairs, not knowing what it was and thinking about things that have happened here recently, with the attempted breakins and such, I was apprehensive, but went upstairs anyways, only to find a sparrow (bird) flying round in my bathroom.. I have no idea how it got in the house as all the doors and windows were closed, but the poor thing was terrified... probably more so than I was but I knew I had to overcome my fears to let it out.. I went into the bathroom and opened the window.. almost immediately it flew out and away, releived I went back downstairs and carried on with lunch.. only to hear about 10 mins later that I had another bird in the bathroom! I really do need to find out how they are getting in, to prevent it happening again... the poor things were nearly frightened to death... but again I was able to get it to fly out of the window once I opened it....

So all in all its been quite a day today, starting of badly with dreams and Now I'm dreading the thought of going to bed tonight! The nightmares are getting to me at the moment as they all seem to be about the same incident.. The event when I was 19yr old and raped by a neighbour who forced his way into my flat.... I wake up coughing struggling to breath, and feel as though I have something round my throat.. I feel the pain and feel humiliated, scared and afraid to open my eyes for fear of what I will see, But of course I don't have anything round my throat, He is not here, but it takes me a few minutes to realise that.. it all seems so damned real when I first wake up that I need to get out of my bed straight away and go to another room.. its the only way I have found that I can cope with it at the moment... I need to have a cup of coffee and a cigarette to calm me down and nothing anyone says to me can make a difference I have to come out of it on my own... but then for the most of the day I am left feeling vunerable and scared, knowing I'm not there but not really being here either.. I tend to space out a lot and am in my own little world until someone speaks to me.. it's not a nice place to be I can tell you... I just hope all this eases soon as I'm not sure right now how much more I can handle...