Wednesday Morning..

Sat at home waiting for the washing machine repair man.. typical eh! they won't give a time so you have to wait in all day... still it's meant that I have got quite a bit done this morning, housework and such.. Keeps my mind occupied and gives me less thinking time eh!

I still have thoughts about how things could have been for me, had I not had the past that I had.. but what is the point in that? I experienced the things I did for a reason, I'm not yet sure what the reason is, maybe it was to make sure I was heard at some point in my life, maybe it was for me to make a difference for the Abused Children of the world?

By making my story, warts and all public knowledge like I am doing here, it is getting the pain and sorrow of the Abuse victim into the public eye. Maybe that is the way to finally get people listened to and understood, get them all the help they deserve and need.. I really don't know, but if telling my story on here gets anything changed then it will be worth the pain it is causing me to write it all.... and it can be extremely painful and embarrassing to write about the Abuse, to write down knowing others can read just what happened to me details as well can be shameful. Even though I know deep down that I have nothing to be ashamed of and no need to be embarrassed by it it is still very difficult remembering all the details of what I went through as a child and as an adult..

The last rape happened when I was 32yr old, should I have been able to stop it at that age? I was an adult with a family of my own, but when it happened I was a child again in my mind and just froze.. unable initially to do anything unable to move away and unable to speak! I did eventually find my voice and shout and found my feet to run away but it was to late again... I went back home afterwards and told no one, not even my husband.. I must have been withdrawn and acting differently but he cared so little about me at that point that he didn't notice at all.. I kept that horrible secret for over 10 years.. why? Because I was scared again, scared that no one would beleive me, scared that I would be made to feel dirty all over again.. I already felt dirty by what had happened so didn't want it to be worse by telling anyone.. it took me many years to realise that I wasn't dirty, I'd done nothing wrong at all... but the thoughts of how I felt remain to this day.. I can remember scrubbing my skin to get all traces of him off me.. but I couldn't remove him from my head... even now sometimes the memories return and I feel him on me again! Not a nice feeeling but one I have to live with for as long as it takes for me to deal with all of it..

So I will, for the sake of all the Abused Children and Adults out there, continue telling my story no matter how painful it is to me, no matter how upsetting it is to read for others, this blog is my truth! It is what happened to me as I grew up, as an Adult and how I am now trying to deal with it all so that it no longer control my life as I am today.. Hopefully someone will read it who has the power to make a difference, to get things changed so that we the survivors get the help we need to overcome the pain.. and Overcome it we will because we are all fighters and SURVIVORS... hence the words ABUSE SURVIVOR!.. I'll keep writing for as long as it takes.. and will where possible include the details of what happened and how it felt at the time as well as how it feels to me today!