Friday evening and I have spent the last couple of days at the sales and clearing up the house after the Christmas Visitors..lol.. obviously over christmas I didn't get much housework done! I wanted to enjoy the time as well!

Yesterday, My Brother came down with his partner to see us all, and we met up at my sisters house after lunch, we all had a good chat and as is normal these days we chatted about our childhood christmas's and how things had changed nowadays for us all.. He reminded us about how as children we only got to eat food that mum liked, if she didn't like it we never had it, so most of us nowadays are wary of trying new foods.. we are not what you would call adventurous eaters, he also mentioned how mum would serve us up brussell sprouts every christmas and make us all eat them, even though both him and I hated them, we had to eat them.. if we tried to get away with it by saying we were full she would force feed us with them..I would often gag and feel sick, but still I had to have them, even though they tasted horrible.. and to this day I just can't eat them.. we chatted about how our sister who wasn't there coped with all her problems, about her self harming and how she is struggling today with her mental health issues because of the Abuse. It was a very sad chat as we all realised that we could do much more to help her, but she could also help herself a bit more as well.. She sits in her flat which she shares with her partner and feels as though the world owes her! Sorry sis but it doesn't hunni, if you want anything in this world you have to work for it or go get it, no one will hand it to you on a plate...

Had a bit of a weird experience today whilst at the sales, usually I am ok with busy places and such but this time I felt really strange, it felt as though everyone was looking at me, even though I know logically they weren't.. I felt that all the other shoppers were following me, but they weren't! I felt trapped as if I couldn't get away from everyone...

My friend said maybe I had a bit of social anxiety? I've never really had that before, though I have never really been to good in very crowded places, I used to get panic attacks and try to get home as quick as possible, but it usually doesn't affect me the way it did today. Not sure what was different today? I did have a bit of a flashback last night but that had nothing to do with crowds. I feel as though I have been triggered in some way, my stomach hurts big time and since we got back home I have been getting pain.. I have no appetite at all and really can't face food tonight.. hopefully it will pass by morning.. I did see someone whilst at the shops that reminded me of my step father (first one), as he used to be when I was growing up, but that was towards the end of the shopping not at the begining? So I have no idea what caused me to feel the way I did.

This is one of the things that all survivors have to contend with, for some on a daily basis as the become agrophobic and fear open spaces because they feel unsafe outside their home environment.. many just get the feelings occassionally as I seem to but we all have to work through them the best way we can. My sister suffers from claustrophibia the fear of closed in spaces, as a result she can't cope with being indoors each day so goes out regardless of the weather.. she needs to be in open spaces.. some say this can be caused by being enclosed in limited spaces as you grow up? being trapped or locked into small rooms etc..

I remember being locked in the cupboard under the stairs, even though it was quite big to me as a child I was still locked in with no way of getting out unless I was let out by someone else.. so I hate lifts and being closed in as a result.

There are many problems that can occur later in life for a survivor that many don't connect with the Abuse, but if we think about it generally a connection can be made.. more things that are long term damage because of what happened to us! Many self harm and when asked why they do it, they say because it releases the pain? I have never understood this one myself as I haven't the courage to take a knife or razor blade to my own skin and cut! but now as I progress through my own healing I am begining to understand how many others cope with it all.

I will never judge another person for how they cope, there are so many other people out there that struggle each day with the pain I endure that I am making it my aim to understand the different coping techniques they all use. I wouldn't want anyone to judge me so why should I judge them? Simple answer I shouldn't and don't, I try to understand and help if I can.

I'll write more tomorrow... enough for today.. best get of my soap box eh?

Well Its been over a week since I was last in here, Christmas has been and gone for another year thankfully.. It wasn't to bad to be honest, My daughter came down from London to spend the time with us (my Son and two good friends) so there were 5 of us all together.

It went well initially, Friday evening was spent just chatting and watching TV, on saturday we all went our various ways to get the last of our Christmas shopping and met up back at home by about 4pm.. we had a good evening watching TV and catching up.. Saturday was time for the last minute food shopping so off I went at 8am before the shops got to busy.. after spending what seemed like hours in the Supermarket and getting a bill for £149..!!! we headed home again hoping to just chill for the afternoon.. Christmas eve loomed and last minute wrapping was done by almost everyone, I popped out to take my friend over to her house to feed her kitten, whilst I was gone the others started to get everything ready for the big day itself.. When I got home we had arranged to go out for a pre christmas dinner at a local carvery restaurant.. so we all got in the car and went, we had a lovely meal of turkey and all the trimmings then went to look at some christmas lights that were nearby.

There is a street in Peacehaven where a lot of the residents light up the houses with lovely light displays, they sell goods and have raffles and lucky dips for the children to do, all the money raised goes to the local childrens hospital and it is well worth the visit.. the lights this year were amazing as usual. we headed for home about 9pm.. and settled down to watch a film.
My friend and children (24 and 18) went off to bed about 1am with the knowledge that I would most likely wake them all by about 7.30am..

See I love Christmas these days, my Christmas's as a child were nothing special at all, Mum used to do her best and try to get us all one good present each but she wasn't well off so it was generally nothing more than maybe a doll, or a truck for my brother along with fruit and if we were lucky a few sweets or something... my children on the other hand have always had the best I can give them, they both had bikes as kids, something I never had! they both had stereo's and TV's in their rooms... I work hard all year to try and give them a good christmas one which hopefully they will remember in years to come..

Most of the Christmas's that I remember as a child involve someone shouting, someone being hit, or just staying away from everyone upstairs in my room.... spending most of the holidays alone, trying to avoid trouble especially when he was around.

Now I love to have lots of people around me and see the happy faces as they open the gifts that I have chosen for them.. this year I think I did ok as no one looked unhappy at all.. we were up opening presents by 7.45am.. and continued to do so until they were all gone about 9.30am.. so as you can imagine we had rather a lot of presents under our tree.. The rest of the day went really well with everyone relaxed and in a good mood.. we all had a good dinner and the turkey was delicious... we stayed up that night till about 3am when we finally went to bed...

Boxing day we decided to hit the sales, getting up at 7.30am and arriving at the stores by 8.30am, to my dismay the main store that I wanted to go to didn't open its sale until 27th at 5am!. but many other stores were open and we filled the boot of my car with our bargains.. we had spent about £300 between us but got at least £500 worth of goods.. so a good time eh!

Boxing day night was when everything changed... We had a few drinks and as has happened before I decided it was time to say my bit to my daughter and one of my friends.. I can't really remember what started the conversation but it ended up being about people who talk about others behind their backs! my friends dad does this all the time, and tells my friend what he thinks of me, which she then repeats to me. I'm supposed to ignore it and say nothing but I have now had enough and pretty soon he will be getting a call from me! It is apparent from what she tells me, that he doesn't like me at all.. even after I rescued HIS Daughter from her abusive mother and took her into my home when he couldn't, the thanks I get for it? he discusses me behind my back and complains about one mistake I made when she lived here!
Am I never allowed to forget my mistakes? for christs sake we all make them including him! the self righteous git! But at every given opportunity he will slag me off, refuse to see or speak to me just because he is not man enough to tell me face to face what he thinks.. we I have had enough of people like that in my life, my ex husband was like that and still is regarding me, he apparently told my daughter that my past as she knows it is rubbish? wtf! he was married to me as we went through the court case he knows its all true! but my daughter chose to tell me this had been said by him when we had an arguement a few months back.. last night it all got brought back up again as she claimed to me that she gets hurt when I talk about her dad! She is 24yr old and it seems its ok for her to talk about me to him but not for me to do? double standards again.. I told her straight it was him who walked out on me, him who commmited adultery yet me who has the legal bills for £3,500 as he refused to give me a quick divorce, I asked her why would he do that? I wanted a divorce from him as by this time he was living with another woman, I'd done nothing wrong except care! her answer to that was 'why should he make it easy for you'? What the hell! he was the one in the wrong NOT ME!..

After last night I'm not sure if I ever want to see my daughter again, she is siding with her dad and totally disrespecting me at every given chance, she talks to me like I am nothing and I have had enough.. I'm going to wait and see how long it is until she calls me, to say thankyou for letting her stay here over christmas and even to say thankyou for her gifts, she still hasn't said thanks to me for any of it. Not that I want thanks, it was my pleasure to buy them for her but manners dictate that you at least express thanks and gratitude to anyone who buys you a gift. I've had enough and think from now on I will isolate myself, its far to upsetting and to much hard work to bother hearing what others think I should hear, especially when what they say is hurtful.. they just don't give a damn!.. well from now on neither do I!.. They can get stuffed..

Tuesday morning..

Have no idea whats wrong with me these past few days, I have gone from being in a good mood one minute to feeling so sad the next that I could easily cry! Last night was a typical example I was siting at home with my friend wrapping christmas presents when My mood just dropped, there wasn't really any reason for it, just christmas looming and lots to do but no energy to do it. I just can't seem to get into the spirit of christmas this year?

I have been having a few flashbacks lately, and was 'Triggered' last night by another so called friend.. but usually I cope with these pretty well and can cover up how I feel inside, but right now I feel so low I can't cover it up any more.

I am going out today with two of my sisters for a pre christmas lunch, which I am looking forward to a little bit, but the thought of crowded shops, restaurants and roads doesn't really appeal to me much at the moment. It will be good to catch up with them though as even though we live round the corner from them both we hardly see each other these days, what with christmas preperations and their working etc there just isn't enough hours in the day to get everything done. My house is a complete mess right now so I need to do that as well before tomorrow! I am trying to move and have someone coming round to look at the house tomorrow afternoon, if it looks good enough they may offer to buy it so that I can move so I really need to get it sorted. My job for tomorrow I guess eh!

My therapy has stopped for the holidays, so Don't see Jane again now until 5th January 2007.. that seems such a long way away right now... I know I will cope ok, but there are times when I think I need to talk to someone, however I just can't seem to put into words how I feel most of the time, I know I feel low but can't seem to find the reason I can't pin point it which makes it hard to explain to those that care and worry about me. I could go to the doctor and ask for help but all he'd do is put me on pills and I don't want to result to that unless I can't find any other way!

Oh! well.. best get ready to go out my sisters will be here soon ... will write a bit more later on if I get the time..

Sunday night.

Been a pretty good weekend this time by all accounts. Although I did have a little problem this morning that needed to be dealt with today, but thankfully it all sorted out without causing to many others to be upset..

I had an old friend down from london today, he was brilliant he came down at my request to help my son fix my fence that had been blown down in the storms last weekend. Local tradesmen had wanted to charge me nearly £300 for the job but with my friends help it has cost me about £100... more than enough when you live on state benefits but much better fo me.. unfortunately house insurance does not cover fences! Still the job is now done and my prowler will once again find it difficult to gain access to my garden.. Thankfully.

My friend was not impressed at all by the efforts of the local police to catch my prowler, in fact he was disgusted at their lack of interest in the problem.. maybe in time they will see how upsetting it all is for me and maybe act to catch the idiot? fingers crossed eh!

Well its nearly christmas, just one week to go and I will be having a few guests here including my daughter and a friend of ours.. so will be quite manic no doubt.. I just hope everyone likes the gifts I have selected for them all.. if we all muck in it should be a good holiday I hope! I know my friend who lives with me is intent on helping cook the dinner which is great, so all I have to do is get the rest of them to do the washing up between them and we will all be happy! if it happens..lol.. which somehow I doubt!. I will most likely be run off my feet as happens every year but if they all enjoy it then it will be well worth it eh?

Not really had any flashbacks for a few days, but did manage to talk face to face with my friend earlier on this evening! OMG.. I have just realised that I actually did it without even realising and it wasn't that bad at all.. deep down I knew I could talk to her but never thought it would be that easy, we spoke about my last step father who raped me when we were in Cyprus shortly after my mum died, I told her that I wished I had reported it at the time, but now its to late as I would need to return to Cyprus to get anything done and no way would he return to answe any charges I brought against him. He was in complete denial that he had done anything wrong the last time I spoke to him, I doubt that has changed any! anyways I know that I can do it now so may try to do some more soon.. will let you know..

Friday afternoon..

This morning was therapy once more and the subjects today were very varied and diverse.. we briefly talked about what as been happening for me this past week or so, with home life and such.. then we talked briefly about certain books, for some reason I seem drawn to read books about Abuse, other peoples stories of what they experienced as children. I guess this in a way helps me to understand how it affects other people and also to know that there are others out there who do completely understand the pain I feel every day..

One recent book that I read was 'The little Prisoner' for those who haven't read this book it is the story of a young girl abused by her evil step father from a very young age right up until she finally married , she had left home at one stage and had a boyfriend and young child of her own yet the step father would come round when her partner was at work and still abuse her! It is a horrific story and a very hard read.. even for me who understood exactly where she was coming from.

I have thought about putting my story into a book, but with a difference.. and I told My Therapist this today, she asked me what I hoped to acheive by writing it and I told her that if nothing else it would at least help me to get out the feelings and pain.. even if it was never published! She asked me why I continue to read books about other peoples abuse and I said that somehow it shows me there is a way past it all, you can move on and have a good life, something I intend to do as I start to talk more openly about things I went through. She asked me what sort of things I find hard to talk about and I had to tell her that I can talk quite easily about the physical abuse and the emotional stuff, but the sexual abuse somehow still makes me feel ashamed and embarrassed.. even though I know none of it was down to me as I was just a child for the majority of it the feelings remain.

We talked about what my first step father may be like now! and I said he must be about 80yr old and hopefully frail and suffering.. but somehow I doubt it.. he was always such a strong man when I was a child, although by the time we saw him in court he had shrunk to a tiny frail looking pensioner, I must admit it felt good seeing him like that. I actually felt the stress of the court case and him wondering if he would be beleived, or would they beleive us made him lose weight drastically.. 'what goes around comes around eh!' he was finally getting his just deserts for what he did to us all as children.

A few months ago now I was intent on seeing him face to face to ask him the obvious question 'Why?' but I worked myself up into such a state that the meeting never happened.. Jane asked me today if I thought I would ever do it? I said that although I would still like to ask him I'm not sure if I could cope with it right now, so she has suggested that maybe I write him a letter, in the letter she wants me to ask all my questions, knowing that he will not have a return address, so he can't get to me at all.. so I said I would give it a try and see what happens.. Usually I write in poems so it will be interesting to see if I can just write him a plain old letter asking all my questions..
Such as; 'Why did he feel the need to force feed me every mealtime?'
'Did he find it enjoyable to see a child crying every day as he forced me to eat?'
'Why did he find it necessary to beat me wth a cane, stick, slipper or his belt buckle for the slightest thing?'
Did he really have the need to emotionally abuse me, by telling me that I was stupid and would never amount to anything?' By saying things that were derogatory to a child and knocking my self confidence for six! What did he gain by that?
'Did he really enjoy sexually abusing me? is it fun to have sex with an unwilling partner, who also happens to be a child?' What did he get from it?

So many questions that need answering in my head, so many things I need to sort out for myself that I will never get the answers to.. so maybe this letter to him may be a good thing? Maybe not, but I am going to write it for myself to see what happens.. I would also write one to my mum I guess, asking her why she allowed him to do all the things he did? but again I will never get a reply because she is no longer with us on this earth.. but a good exercise for me I think..

Then we talked about the flashbacks that I have been having lately, several times this past week I have had flashbacks about my second abuser, the neighbour! why this is happening now I have no idea, but it is a regular event.. Jane asked me what I see in the flashback and I tried to explain to her, but the biggest problem about them is that as I come back, I am choking unable to breath as I feel his hands around my throat.. Jane has asked me that next time this happens she wants me to try and write it down immediately, write as much as I can remember when it is still fresh in my mind, write how I feel at that moment, how I feel half an hour later etc.. but to include as much detail as I can.. so I have agreed to try! we'll see what happens eh!..

Anyways enough of that.... I didn't get the job I went after, someone pipped me to the post as I was told..lol.. but at least it has made me realise that I can get to an interview, my CV is good enough.. next time I hope it will mean that I'll get the job, but thats not happening for now! better luck next time eh!.

Here I am again!

It's now thursday afternoon and my friend is home! Thankfully.. I missed her more than I thought possible these past few days and am so glad she has returned safely in time for christmas..

I had my job interview yesterday and feel that it wetn ok, they are letting me know by friday so fingers crossed eh! I really need this job and it sounds like one that I could be happy doing, ok the money isn't that great but its a start back into the work environment isn't it?

Had a really nasty flashback this morning, I was fine one minute and without warning was suddely back there with the second abuser, re-living everything.. I felt his hands round my throat and couldn't breath, I felt the pain as he raped me! I felt the shame the torture everything.. it was horrible. Even now some hours later I still feel shaky and vunerable, not feeling safe at home etc..

Your home is meant to be your haven, so when something like this happens and it makes you feel unsafe at home, where are you supposed to feel safe? It is everyones right in life to feel safe in their own home, but after something like this it just doesn't happen.. no matter how many times I have moved, (it must be at least 8 since the event), I still sometimes feel unsafe at home.. I know this evil man doesn't know where I am nowadays, he probably wouldn't care anyways as I never reported him.. but it doesn't help me when I have had a flashback about it.. Sometimes for hours even days I can have these feelings of being vunerable and unsafe.. but other times It just lasts a short time and then I am ok again... until the next time!

One day I hope to be able to talk openly about what that man did to me that night, then maybe the flashbacks will not have so much power over me? I'm not sure but I have been told that once I can talk about it it does get better.. slowly but surely things will be less painful and not have such a strong effect on me.. I can't wait for that day to come.. the sooner the better as far as I am concerned..

Well at last it looks as if things may be turning around for me, My best friend is coming home today and I have just received a phone call.. I have a job interview tomorrow morning at 10am! about time as well I have been job hunting for months trying to get back out there to work.. Ok its not a fantastic salary but its better than nothing at all.. It's working for an insurance company somehing I have done before, in the reception area and dealing with household claims.. a job I have done in the past and loved it! so please wish me luck eh!

Back here we hadn't heard our prowler in a few days and thought maybe he had finally given up, but! now we realise that it must have been the bad weather we've been having because he was back last night at 1.30am shining torches into my son's bedroom window then prowling in th back garden again.. So luck has it that whoever it is is determined to upset us.. but it isnt working because we are now just getting angry at him! its so rediculous what he is doing that I just want to go out there and smack him one.. but I'm only little and probably wouldn't stand a chance.. so I'll give that a miss eh!

Slept pretty well last night, finally got to sleep about 3am and woke up at 8.30am.. so about 5hours.. feeling a little tired today but happy as well as I'm off to the airport soon to collect my friend.. I can't wait to see her again it feels like she has been gone for ages even though it is only 5 days!

I am keeping my fingers crossed that this job interview tomorrow goes well, just because I really want it.. the money will come in handy this side of christmas and I want to feel useful again by contributing to the world in the way of working.. This job is all about helping people settle their insurance claims so my kind of job eh! as I love helping people.. I will let you know the result of the interview when I find out myself.. but please say a few prayers for me eh!..

Haven't written in here for a couple of days, as I have been quite down and not in a good space really, I've been getting so angry about what I was left to live with that I thought it best to stay away.

I haven't been sleeping to well either so that hasn't helped much, last night I went to bed about 1am and tried to have a good sleep, admittedly I fell asleep quite quickly bt I kept waking up in the night, I have no re collection of why I woke up but I do remember feeling vunerable at one point.. This morning I woke up about 7.30 am with tears streaming down my face sobbing like a baby. The reason for this is completely unknown to me, I just can not remember why, guess I had either a bad dream or a flashback about my past but I don't know.

It makes me feel quite sick when I realise how many other people in this world suffer the same kind of thing that I do most nights, that others out there are having flashbacks about their childhood and past, that they also feel the pain that I feel. How unjust is that, I ask? But I never get an answer!

I have so many questions that I would like to ask the powers that be, questions such as;
Why are the Abusers protected by law?
Why are the victims of this horrendous crime left to get on with it?
Why is there no support for us?
Why do the perpetrators get everything handed to them on a silver platter?
What are the SEX OFFENDERS Programmes meant to achieve?
Because a Phaedophile cannot be cured! So Why not use the money for good and give it to the victims by way of therapy and help?

Will I ever get the answer to these questions? I somehow doubt it very much! But these are the questions almost every victim wants the answes to. MY own therapist told me that sex offenders can't be cured because they themselves see nothing wrong in raping a child! So what is the point in wasting all that money for the programmes?

I write poems about my pain and past as many of you may realise, I have put a few up on this blog for people to read, but right now one particular poem comes to mind.. I'll put it here.. then try to explain what it means to me!

YOU NEVER LISTENED!


You never said you loved me,
Never said you even cared.
The love I saw you give to him,
With me you never shared.
You let him beat me everyday,
You let him shout and scream.
I wanted to run away each day,
But of that I could only dream.
When it came down to the meal times,
You let HIM force me to eat.
You never really cared for me,
Was it such a mean feat?
Was I such a difficult child mum?
That you couldn't show me love?
I used to sit and pray mum,
To that Jesus up above!
But it never made a difference,
He didn't hear my plea.
He just sat on the fence mum!
Ignoring little me!

This poem was written about my Mum, because I feel now that she could have done so much to stop this evil man, but for some reason she felt that she needed him in her life, so she ignored what he did and accepted the punishments he dished out to her children as being normal! I hate her for that. As a child I was the quiet one always trying to stay in the background out of the way, in the hope that if he didn't see me he wouldn't hit me! But mealtimes, well we always used to sit at the table as a family and there was no getting away from it.. he made mealtimes hell for me by force feeding me just because I was a slow eater! Mum used to sit and watch him do it! There is no way on this earth that I would ever let anyone do that to my kids, not even their own father! This man was nothing to me, just Mum's boyfriend and yet she didn't stop him! What kind of mother was she? A selfish cruel woman I guess who thought only of herself and her needs and ignored the needs of her children.. God I'm sorry but right now I HATE HER!..

How do I put into words the way I feel today? I feel sad, lonely and scared, scared to be alone in my own home because of a prowler/stalker and have no idea what I can do about it? The police are as good as useless, because unless he causes damage to my home or hurts one of us they can't act?

I'm sad because my best friend is away and is almost unable to get on line to chat to me, we did manage a little chat this morning but its never enough.. hense why I feel lonely at the same time. I've kinda got used to her being around each day even when she was at work I'd see her each morning and evening. She only left on Thursday night, so I really didn't expect to feel this bad so soon.. We've become really close in the time we've known each other, just over a year and a half and now I can't imagine my life without her in it somewhere!

I had a bad night again last night not sleeping very well at the moment, mainly because I just can't settle but also because the prowler worries me, and I keep having bad dreams and flashbacks about my second abuser!.. As i said the other day in here if only people realised the long term damage abuse causes then maybe, just maybe help would be given much sooner to the victims.

I'm now struggling big time to continue with my therapy because I know I need it, but when your on a limited income its hard to find nearly £30 every week.. I beleive this should be free to victims of Abuse we didn't ask to be abused or raped yet we suffer emotionally, financially and physically because of it! What does the Abuser suffer? Nothing.. they may get put on The Sex Offenders Register and have to notify police of their whereabouts but many do not.. mine certainly doesn't as the register wasn't set up by the time he was released from prison, so he can go where he pleases and no one ever knows his past!

It stinks. The whole system stinks and makes me sick! He! 'Donald William Horrace Nicholson' is nothing more than a child abuser, a PHAEDOPHILE! He Abused my sister and myself sexually, physically and emotionally, and he Abused my other three siblings physically and emotionally and basically got away with it! Ok he served a total of four years in Prison for his deeds, but thats nothing compared to what we have suffered all our lives because of what he did to us.

Getting very angry again so before I say something I shouldn't, I'd best stop writing for now.. May come back later?

I haven't written in here for a few days now.. not because there is nothing to write but purely because I have been so busy!

We have been battered by storms the last few days and I now have 5 fence panels down, which is going to make it much easier for my prowler/stalker to get into my back garden. Unfortunately I can't seem to get anyone out to fix if for at least a week! so Hopefully things will stay quiet for that time and maybe as the weather is so bad at night the prowler will decide to stay home himself? Wishful thinking eh?

I have been to therapy today as is usual on a friday, we talked briefly about whats been going on here and I told Jane that my best friend who stays with me has gone away for a few days, Jane asked me if this friend was a good support to me and I told her she is the best! I can talk to her about things going on in my life and she never judges me, but for some reason I still can't talk face to face with her about my issues? I have no idea why? I do know that if I have a drink then sometimes I can talk to her about things but not always.. I told Jane that my friend is the best friend I have ever had.. just because of the kind of person she is.. and its so true! I have never had a friend like her before and doubt I ever will again..

We then went on to talk briefly about things that have been happening for me recently with flashbacks and such.. Jane asked me what they were about and how I cope with them. I told her that recently they all seem to be about the stranger, I wake up gasping for air and feel like I am choking, I cough and cough.. then feel scared and shaky until I can calm myself down.. My friend is very good when this happens and is able to get me out of it quite quickly and re-assure me that I am safe.. as for coping with it? well I just have to don't I ? there's not much I can do as I start to remember details of exactly what that bastard did to me all those years ago.. the details are not nice at all so I won't write them here, but let me assure you that they would be enough to make everyone want to stop sex offenders in their tracks!

If it happened to your wife/ girlfriend/daughter even sister you would want the blood of the person responsible... but unfortunately when it happens to a child they are left to live with it, many beleiving that as they are just children they will forget! But I guarantee you they may seem to forget initially but as they mature and become adults it will all come back to them in every little detail just as it is for me right now! It's not a nice feeling knowing that I had to endure all that pain as a child and no one did anything to stop it? Its not nice knowing that when it happened again at the age of 19yr I was to scared to report it to the police because of the stories you hear about the police making the victim feel like they are being aped all over again, because of the questions they get asked! What should it matter what a girl/lady is wearing? It gives no one the right to rape or abuse them just because they wear a short skirt! It doesn't mean they are asking for it.. it just mean that the person is comfortable wearing tose clothes, if a man wears shorts does that mean he wants to be raped? No of course not so why should it matter what we wear? The questions asked by police of the victim are so personal, you get asked when you last had sex voluntarily as it may interfere with dna if it was recent, you get asked about your personal sex life how regular etc.. To the victim of a Rape a totally ignorant question all they want to know is that the police beleive them and will do all they can to catch the person responsible, but because of the way these things are handled many victms do not report at all! there are thousands of rapes and sexual assaults happening everyday that never get reported partly because of the police attitude and partly because the victim feels shame and embarrassement and some because the victim is told by the rapist that if she tells something will happen to her, something bad! so she is to scared to report it! That just isn't fair.. I myself was to scared to report my childhood abuse until I was 32yr old? Why I hear you ask? Because I didn't think anyone would beleive me and because until that time the man responsible was still living with my mum and he had threatened that she would die if I told! I didn't know for sure if he was serious or not, but I wasn't going to take a chance with my mum's life just in case....

Sorry got on my soap box again here... I could write so much right now as the anger of it all is starting to surface with me.. and it makes me want to shout from the rooftops that THIS HAS TO STOP! PHAEDOPHILES HAVE TO BE REPORTED AND DEALT WITH BY LAW IN A SUFFICIENT MANNER THAT THE VICTIMS FEEL JUSTICE IS DONE! WHICH IT ISN'T AT THIS TIME!

Tueday Evening..

I really can't beleive the phone call I had today! The police finally contacted me about the obscene phone call I received on saturday night, and would you beleive that even though I was able to tell then exactly who made the call, the have chosen to do nohing about it? What the hell?

This is as good as telling the kid that he can do what he wants to do and will get away with it, I told the officer that called me I wasn't happy at all with their decision to ignore this.. this kid had been going down the wrong road when he was here, and I told them this, but if they allow him to get away with this he will beleive that he is above the law and carry on! I was told today that if I was to receive another call from him then they would go and speak to him, but I want it done NOW! He is already under a caution for criminal damage he caused last year so why are they letting him get away with this? Does the law in this country mean nothing unless it is an adult committing the crime? why are the kids of today being allowed to flaunt the law and nothing is being done to stop them? It makes me sick! If I had made that call I can guarantee that I would be prosecuted.. so why isn't he being prosecuted for the same offence??

It has been referred back to the sergeant for further discussion in the hope that maybe they will change their minds, even if they just visit and talk to this kid explaining that what he did was against the law, then maybe he will see sense and not do it again, especially if they tell him a repeat of this will mean he will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law!.. fingers crossed that they decide to act eh!

Apart from all that its not been to bad a day today, I woke up early at about 9.30 and set about getting some housework done, I've been falling behind with it all lately as I've been a bit in the can't be bothered sort of mood.. but that has to change, I have decided to have a major clear out this weekend and get rid of all sorts of things once and for all, it will hopefully make the house look much nicer and neater with less clutter... got to be a good thing eh! clear it all out before christmas.. and have a fresh start in the new year...

One minor flashback last night, but thankfully I was able to pretty much control it, so that it didn't have such a bad effect on me as usual.. hope it stays that way as I need to get what sleep I can, with the prowler lurking every night as well sleep is a luxury that I don't seem to get much of, so when I get a flashback as well it means even less sleep.. though sometimes I wake in the morning because of bad dreams/flashbacks and its not to bad as I just busy myself doing things around the house... fingers crossed that when my friend is away next week I will have some good sleep without any problems with prowlers etc... I hope!!

Monday evening...

Today has been a weird day, woke up late at 10am because I didnt get to bed last night until about 3.45am, then my friend the stalker/prowler decided to act up again and start playing games?
Who on earth would be out at that time of night unless it is someone possessed? or obsessed? First of all it was a flashlight through the bedroom window within minutes of turning of the lights, then the noises started and it sounded like they were trying to get into the shed out in the garden.. weird eh! it really is feeling as if whoever this is is watching us all the time, no matter what time we all go to bed at night, whether its 10pm or 4am they start as soon as the bedroom light gets turned off. We had made sure the side gate was locked tight last night but this morning it was partly open again? So obviously someone had tried to either get in or out that way.. We have re locked the gate today and will see if its open again in the morning.. maybe that is the way to catch whoever this is?

As I woke up this morning I had the start of a flashback but for once was able to control it and stop it really happening, I'm begining to work out the triggers for these now so hopefully I will be able to reduce their effectiveness a little bit, I hope so as they leave me feeling scared and very vunerable when they happen.. not a nice feeling at all..

Did a few bits of shopping today but other than that not much else, spent a lot of time just relaxing at home and hoping that tonight may be quiet so that we can all get a good nights sleep for once.. finges crossed eh!

Woken up again today by the phone ringing.. this time it wasn't my daughter but my sister! I really do not understand what is going on lately.. whenever I have poblems of my own to deal with everyone seems to want a piece of me as well, it's doing my head in!

Last night was one of the worst nights I have had in a long time, after having a nasty flashback in the afternoon I was just sitting on my sofa watching TV when the phone rang..
I did not expect what I heard down the line.. as soon as I answered I was told by a young male voice 'How much do you charge for doggy fashion? I've heard your good in bed'! What the fuck! I was naturally shaken up by this call and told the caller in no uncertain terms to 'fuck off' and hung up.. my friend decided to call back and try to find out who it was, they had not withheld their number.. I made a few enquiries of my own and determined who it was, then called the police and reported it..
The caller was the 15yr old boy that I used to care for as a foster carer! I quit back in August as it was way to stressfulfor me along with trying to deal with my own issues at the moment... I have to admit that I am gutted after caring for this kid for 2yrs that he could dis-respect me that much to make such a call to me! It left me very shaken and feeling horrible again.. as if having a stalker isn't bad enough, and having to contend with the prowler in my garden most nights.. this kid knew about that as it was going on when he was still here! So why this and why now?? I just don't understand what I have done to him to make him do this? I hope the police take this all the way and prosecute him for mallicious calls, maybe then he will learn for once that he is not above the law just because he is in care!

On top of that last night I had to try and deal with someone on msn messenger who was clearly drunk and making some very rash statements. It was pretty stressful to say the least and not what I needed after the day I'd had yesterday.. I finally managed to calm er down after about two hours of her saying she either has to drink or hurt herself to cope wih things right now! She is a survivor of abuse as well so I sort of understand where she is coming from, but don't understand why she also thinks I have all the answers to everything.. she was asking me how to stop cutting and drinking? I told her she needed to talk to her doctor and/or therapist to get the help she needs I can't do it for her, she as to want to do it herself else it won't work..

My sister this morning was asking me if I had a spare room she could stay in, in an emergency, her and the friend she lives with are continuously argueing and she feels she may need to get away for a few days or more, I know she is my sister and everything but to have her here would be a complete nightmare, she has lots of problems herself medically and mentally and I really don't know how I would cope with her here, she would not be able to get up the stairs to the toilet when she needed to as stairs are vitually impossible for her.. if I let her stay in the spare room she would be stuck up there all the time and would expect me to run around after her.. I just can't do it! I know she is my sister and such but why is it that everyone seems to think I have all the answers? I am the youngest of all the sisters but whenever they have a problem its me they seem to run to... I don't understand why as I'm nothing special at all.. I live quietly with my friend and son, whereby they all have their own partners... but they expect me to be able to solve their problems for them..

This morning is already looking like being another stressful day... if the start is anything to go by.. but once again I will have to try and put my own issues aside to be everyones public leaning post, so that they can all add more pressure to me just because they can't handle it themselves.. I actually told my sister this morning to stop acting like a child in a playground and to grow up! the arguements she is having with her friend are pathetic to say the least, all I got was she said .... I said .... very childish and they are both 45 plus! what the hell!

Why can't people act their age instead of their shoe size? I'm sick of it! they would have to deal with it all themselves if I wasn't around so why can't they now?? Maybe I should go away? dissappear for a while and see ow they cope when they can't get to me? maybe then they would realise the extra stress that they are putting on me right now and stop once and for all? But somehow I don't think it would make a difference I'd just get it all in bulk when I got back... so maybe I will just become a recluse and ignore them all!... Then at least I may stay sane myself and be able to do what I need to to get over my own issues.. I have been really down these past few days and just can't take anymore..

Saturday Morning..

Woken up this morning by the phone ringing again.. seems to be that my daughter knows when I want to sleep late and is determined that I won't as she keeps calling me at early hours of the day, just because she is already up and at work she thinks I will be up as well... oh! well that's life isn't it?

Sitting at home last night watching Basic Instinct2.. had a nasty flashback halfway through the film.. all of a sudden I could see 'the stranger' (My second Abuser/Rapist) right in front of me, I couldn't breath something was round my throat and I was choking.. I felt pain... lots of pain in my stomach and thighs, then pain in my head as he hit me.. I was coughing so much I couldn't breath.. the pain was horrendous as he forced me to do things that I didn't want to do... I was crying begging him to stop, but he didn't.. he carried on as if his life depended on it.... then almost as suddenly as it had started I heard my friends voice telling me it was ok.. it isn't happening now.. I started to come out of it, feeling shaken and scared as the tears flowed... my friend made me a coffee to calm me down and gave me a hug... those hugs mean so much at these times... I'm glad she was there with me.. she asked me what had happened, what triggered it? but I wasn't sure at the time... now however I think it maybe was the sex scene in the film, it was pretty rough and not at all easy to watch.. so in future I will be careful if I watch that type of film again...

Feeling a bit vunerable this morning after that so intend to take it easy today.. may write more here later on...

Friday Morning.

Usually on a friday, I would go to my Therapy session, but today I have had to cancel as I have a horrible head cold.. My therapist was fine about it as obviously she doesn't want to catch it...lol.. but it means no talking things though this week...

Its been a weird week, I have been feeling really down and poorly for the last couple of days, mostly because of the cold but also with things going on in my own life right now.. My best friend is going away next week for a few days, so I have asked another friend to come and stay whilst she is away.. this is because of the stalker and me not feeling very safe at home alone.. Hopefully my other friend being here will make me feel better.. Just knowing someone else is in the house when my son is out should make me feel safer! But time will tell eh!

As I mentioned a few days ago, for some reason some people seem to think that I have all the answers when it comes to coping with past issues, I have mentioned before that I co-run an MSN support group for Survivors.. as a manager many members seem to forget that I have my own issues to deal with, and when they are struggling, as we all do at times, they seem to think I know what they need to do to get moving forward again! I have a few members there who are going through a really tough stage of their healing right now, just like me they are having major flashbacks and nightmares, struggling with memories and sleepless nights and seem to for some reason beleive that I have all the coping strategies to get through it all.. But I don't! Just like them I struggle and suffer flashbacks, I have memories that I find hard to deal with, I also have trouble talking face to face about my issues even with my therapist? So how can they expect me to know all the answers? I have no idea.
When we first set up the group we stated that we were also Survivors and the group was to get help and support for ourselves as well as to be able to help others.. but some forget that and expect us to be there 24/7.. but we can't be! I sometimes feel that I need to have a moan and now feel unable to do that in the group... the last time I did I was slated by a few members for daring to write that I was having problems, everything I wrote was taken the wrong way by these few people and twisted round to what they thought I was saying... I can't handle that happening again hence why I have not vented there since... So nowadays I tend to say what is bothering me, or what I'm struggling with right here, where I know that although people who read this don't know me, they will not complain about what I write.. because they do not really understand what I am venting about.. In a way its a good thing as I can write just how I feel without fear of recriminations, but its not good in the way that I never get any replies or idea's for coping strategies... That sometimes makes things harder and leaves me feeling very alone with my thoughts and feelings.

I know that if I could talk face to face with my best friend, she would have lots of idea's on how to get through it all, she's been there as well and is in a much better stage of her healing from Abuse, she understands me completely and accepts me for who I am without expecting me to know all the answers.. But even though I know in my heart that she would never judge me, never critisise me, It's still so hard to talk face to face with her.. I need to try harder I guess as it feels now like the only way that I will ever get past this stage.. I still frequently have bad nights with nightmares and flashbacks although I don't always remember them in the morning, they do still happen..
I feel very low at times and wonder why I am having to go through all this, because of what other people did to me? Why is it that the victim is the one who suffers longterm? Yet the perpetrators of these crimes are able to move on with their lives without a thought for what they did? They don't even seem to care about the damage they cause to us, as long as they get their sexual gratification that seems to be all that matters to them. They are let of far to lightly by the so called justice system and when they do get released from prison, if they even get sentenced, they get all the help they need to settle back into society... but the victims get no help at all to recover from the Abuse.. No one hears their pleas for help.. no one listens to us!.. WHY NOT ??