Friday afternoon..

This morning was therapy once more and the subjects today were very varied and diverse.. we briefly talked about what as been happening for me this past week or so, with home life and such.. then we talked briefly about certain books, for some reason I seem drawn to read books about Abuse, other peoples stories of what they experienced as children. I guess this in a way helps me to understand how it affects other people and also to know that there are others out there who do completely understand the pain I feel every day..

One recent book that I read was 'The little Prisoner' for those who haven't read this book it is the story of a young girl abused by her evil step father from a very young age right up until she finally married , she had left home at one stage and had a boyfriend and young child of her own yet the step father would come round when her partner was at work and still abuse her! It is a horrific story and a very hard read.. even for me who understood exactly where she was coming from.

I have thought about putting my story into a book, but with a difference.. and I told My Therapist this today, she asked me what I hoped to acheive by writing it and I told her that if nothing else it would at least help me to get out the feelings and pain.. even if it was never published! She asked me why I continue to read books about other peoples abuse and I said that somehow it shows me there is a way past it all, you can move on and have a good life, something I intend to do as I start to talk more openly about things I went through. She asked me what sort of things I find hard to talk about and I had to tell her that I can talk quite easily about the physical abuse and the emotional stuff, but the sexual abuse somehow still makes me feel ashamed and embarrassed.. even though I know none of it was down to me as I was just a child for the majority of it the feelings remain.

We talked about what my first step father may be like now! and I said he must be about 80yr old and hopefully frail and suffering.. but somehow I doubt it.. he was always such a strong man when I was a child, although by the time we saw him in court he had shrunk to a tiny frail looking pensioner, I must admit it felt good seeing him like that. I actually felt the stress of the court case and him wondering if he would be beleived, or would they beleive us made him lose weight drastically.. 'what goes around comes around eh!' he was finally getting his just deserts for what he did to us all as children.

A few months ago now I was intent on seeing him face to face to ask him the obvious question 'Why?' but I worked myself up into such a state that the meeting never happened.. Jane asked me today if I thought I would ever do it? I said that although I would still like to ask him I'm not sure if I could cope with it right now, so she has suggested that maybe I write him a letter, in the letter she wants me to ask all my questions, knowing that he will not have a return address, so he can't get to me at all.. so I said I would give it a try and see what happens.. Usually I write in poems so it will be interesting to see if I can just write him a plain old letter asking all my questions..
Such as; 'Why did he feel the need to force feed me every mealtime?'
'Did he find it enjoyable to see a child crying every day as he forced me to eat?'
'Why did he find it necessary to beat me wth a cane, stick, slipper or his belt buckle for the slightest thing?'
Did he really have the need to emotionally abuse me, by telling me that I was stupid and would never amount to anything?' By saying things that were derogatory to a child and knocking my self confidence for six! What did he gain by that?
'Did he really enjoy sexually abusing me? is it fun to have sex with an unwilling partner, who also happens to be a child?' What did he get from it?

So many questions that need answering in my head, so many things I need to sort out for myself that I will never get the answers to.. so maybe this letter to him may be a good thing? Maybe not, but I am going to write it for myself to see what happens.. I would also write one to my mum I guess, asking her why she allowed him to do all the things he did? but again I will never get a reply because she is no longer with us on this earth.. but a good exercise for me I think..

Then we talked about the flashbacks that I have been having lately, several times this past week I have had flashbacks about my second abuser, the neighbour! why this is happening now I have no idea, but it is a regular event.. Jane asked me what I see in the flashback and I tried to explain to her, but the biggest problem about them is that as I come back, I am choking unable to breath as I feel his hands around my throat.. Jane has asked me that next time this happens she wants me to try and write it down immediately, write as much as I can remember when it is still fresh in my mind, write how I feel at that moment, how I feel half an hour later etc.. but to include as much detail as I can.. so I have agreed to try! we'll see what happens eh!..

Anyways enough of that.... I didn't get the job I went after, someone pipped me to the post as I was told..lol.. but at least it has made me realise that I can get to an interview, my CV is good enough.. next time I hope it will mean that I'll get the job, but thats not happening for now! better luck next time eh!.