Friday evening and I have spent the last couple of days at the sales and clearing up the house after the Christmas Visitors..lol.. obviously over christmas I didn't get much housework done! I wanted to enjoy the time as well!

Yesterday, My Brother came down with his partner to see us all, and we met up at my sisters house after lunch, we all had a good chat and as is normal these days we chatted about our childhood christmas's and how things had changed nowadays for us all.. He reminded us about how as children we only got to eat food that mum liked, if she didn't like it we never had it, so most of us nowadays are wary of trying new foods.. we are not what you would call adventurous eaters, he also mentioned how mum would serve us up brussell sprouts every christmas and make us all eat them, even though both him and I hated them, we had to eat them.. if we tried to get away with it by saying we were full she would force feed us with them..I would often gag and feel sick, but still I had to have them, even though they tasted horrible.. and to this day I just can't eat them.. we chatted about how our sister who wasn't there coped with all her problems, about her self harming and how she is struggling today with her mental health issues because of the Abuse. It was a very sad chat as we all realised that we could do much more to help her, but she could also help herself a bit more as well.. She sits in her flat which she shares with her partner and feels as though the world owes her! Sorry sis but it doesn't hunni, if you want anything in this world you have to work for it or go get it, no one will hand it to you on a plate...

Had a bit of a weird experience today whilst at the sales, usually I am ok with busy places and such but this time I felt really strange, it felt as though everyone was looking at me, even though I know logically they weren't.. I felt that all the other shoppers were following me, but they weren't! I felt trapped as if I couldn't get away from everyone...

My friend said maybe I had a bit of social anxiety? I've never really had that before, though I have never really been to good in very crowded places, I used to get panic attacks and try to get home as quick as possible, but it usually doesn't affect me the way it did today. Not sure what was different today? I did have a bit of a flashback last night but that had nothing to do with crowds. I feel as though I have been triggered in some way, my stomach hurts big time and since we got back home I have been getting pain.. I have no appetite at all and really can't face food tonight.. hopefully it will pass by morning.. I did see someone whilst at the shops that reminded me of my step father (first one), as he used to be when I was growing up, but that was towards the end of the shopping not at the begining? So I have no idea what caused me to feel the way I did.

This is one of the things that all survivors have to contend with, for some on a daily basis as the become agrophobic and fear open spaces because they feel unsafe outside their home environment.. many just get the feelings occassionally as I seem to but we all have to work through them the best way we can. My sister suffers from claustrophibia the fear of closed in spaces, as a result she can't cope with being indoors each day so goes out regardless of the weather.. she needs to be in open spaces.. some say this can be caused by being enclosed in limited spaces as you grow up? being trapped or locked into small rooms etc..

I remember being locked in the cupboard under the stairs, even though it was quite big to me as a child I was still locked in with no way of getting out unless I was let out by someone else.. so I hate lifts and being closed in as a result.

There are many problems that can occur later in life for a survivor that many don't connect with the Abuse, but if we think about it generally a connection can be made.. more things that are long term damage because of what happened to us! Many self harm and when asked why they do it, they say because it releases the pain? I have never understood this one myself as I haven't the courage to take a knife or razor blade to my own skin and cut! but now as I progress through my own healing I am begining to understand how many others cope with it all.

I will never judge another person for how they cope, there are so many other people out there that struggle each day with the pain I endure that I am making it my aim to understand the different coping techniques they all use. I wouldn't want anyone to judge me so why should I judge them? Simple answer I shouldn't and don't, I try to understand and help if I can.

I'll write more tomorrow... enough for today.. best get of my soap box eh?