Friday Morning.

Usually on a friday, I would go to my Therapy session, but today I have had to cancel as I have a horrible head cold.. My therapist was fine about it as obviously she doesn't want to catch it...lol.. but it means no talking things though this week...

Its been a weird week, I have been feeling really down and poorly for the last couple of days, mostly because of the cold but also with things going on in my own life right now.. My best friend is going away next week for a few days, so I have asked another friend to come and stay whilst she is away.. this is because of the stalker and me not feeling very safe at home alone.. Hopefully my other friend being here will make me feel better.. Just knowing someone else is in the house when my son is out should make me feel safer! But time will tell eh!

As I mentioned a few days ago, for some reason some people seem to think that I have all the answers when it comes to coping with past issues, I have mentioned before that I co-run an MSN support group for Survivors.. as a manager many members seem to forget that I have my own issues to deal with, and when they are struggling, as we all do at times, they seem to think I know what they need to do to get moving forward again! I have a few members there who are going through a really tough stage of their healing right now, just like me they are having major flashbacks and nightmares, struggling with memories and sleepless nights and seem to for some reason beleive that I have all the coping strategies to get through it all.. But I don't! Just like them I struggle and suffer flashbacks, I have memories that I find hard to deal with, I also have trouble talking face to face about my issues even with my therapist? So how can they expect me to know all the answers? I have no idea.
When we first set up the group we stated that we were also Survivors and the group was to get help and support for ourselves as well as to be able to help others.. but some forget that and expect us to be there 24/7.. but we can't be! I sometimes feel that I need to have a moan and now feel unable to do that in the group... the last time I did I was slated by a few members for daring to write that I was having problems, everything I wrote was taken the wrong way by these few people and twisted round to what they thought I was saying... I can't handle that happening again hence why I have not vented there since... So nowadays I tend to say what is bothering me, or what I'm struggling with right here, where I know that although people who read this don't know me, they will not complain about what I write.. because they do not really understand what I am venting about.. In a way its a good thing as I can write just how I feel without fear of recriminations, but its not good in the way that I never get any replies or idea's for coping strategies... That sometimes makes things harder and leaves me feeling very alone with my thoughts and feelings.

I know that if I could talk face to face with my best friend, she would have lots of idea's on how to get through it all, she's been there as well and is in a much better stage of her healing from Abuse, she understands me completely and accepts me for who I am without expecting me to know all the answers.. But even though I know in my heart that she would never judge me, never critisise me, It's still so hard to talk face to face with her.. I need to try harder I guess as it feels now like the only way that I will ever get past this stage.. I still frequently have bad nights with nightmares and flashbacks although I don't always remember them in the morning, they do still happen..
I feel very low at times and wonder why I am having to go through all this, because of what other people did to me? Why is it that the victim is the one who suffers longterm? Yet the perpetrators of these crimes are able to move on with their lives without a thought for what they did? They don't even seem to care about the damage they cause to us, as long as they get their sexual gratification that seems to be all that matters to them. They are let of far to lightly by the so called justice system and when they do get released from prison, if they even get sentenced, they get all the help they need to settle back into society... but the victims get no help at all to recover from the Abuse.. No one hears their pleas for help.. no one listens to us!.. WHY NOT ??