Here I am again!

It's now thursday afternoon and my friend is home! Thankfully.. I missed her more than I thought possible these past few days and am so glad she has returned safely in time for christmas..

I had my job interview yesterday and feel that it wetn ok, they are letting me know by friday so fingers crossed eh! I really need this job and it sounds like one that I could be happy doing, ok the money isn't that great but its a start back into the work environment isn't it?

Had a really nasty flashback this morning, I was fine one minute and without warning was suddely back there with the second abuser, re-living everything.. I felt his hands round my throat and couldn't breath, I felt the pain as he raped me! I felt the shame the torture everything.. it was horrible. Even now some hours later I still feel shaky and vunerable, not feeling safe at home etc..

Your home is meant to be your haven, so when something like this happens and it makes you feel unsafe at home, where are you supposed to feel safe? It is everyones right in life to feel safe in their own home, but after something like this it just doesn't happen.. no matter how many times I have moved, (it must be at least 8 since the event), I still sometimes feel unsafe at home.. I know this evil man doesn't know where I am nowadays, he probably wouldn't care anyways as I never reported him.. but it doesn't help me when I have had a flashback about it.. Sometimes for hours even days I can have these feelings of being vunerable and unsafe.. but other times It just lasts a short time and then I am ok again... until the next time!

One day I hope to be able to talk openly about what that man did to me that night, then maybe the flashbacks will not have so much power over me? I'm not sure but I have been told that once I can talk about it it does get better.. slowly but surely things will be less painful and not have such a strong effect on me.. I can't wait for that day to come.. the sooner the better as far as I am concerned..