Friday Evening..

Well today I was back at therapy for the first time since before Christmas, three weeks ago to be exact. It was a bit strange to be back in an environment where I can talk freely about my past without worrying about being overheard, or someone seeing me if I get upset Its actually a good feeling to have when your going to be talking about difficult things that can be upsetting and often 'triggering'.

Today we had a quick update chat about how things are going and how it was over the holidays, I told her about the arguement I'd had with my daughter on Boxing day (26th) and how when she called me from her work a few days later it was as if nothing had happened? This is typical of her it happens all the time, I can recall many times when we have argued over things and next day she acts as if nothing had happened. Even though I can get upset at the things she says to me, the way she disrespects me and such, I don't even get as much as an apology! I'm used to it now though so don't take any notice of her comments any more. Unless they are extremely hurtful and unjustified then I can really blow up!

After all that I told Jane that I had finally sold my house and it looks as though I could be moving in about 6-8 weeks, she was really pleased for me and said it would give me the opportunity to have a fresh start away from all the problems here, and away from the memories that this town holds for me.
She asked me If I had made any new years resolutions and I said I had made three, 1) is to move house. 2) to get a new Job. and the most important of all 3) to write my second book! She asked me how I was planning to write the book and I told her that unlike the first this one would not be full of poetry but would still contain some of the poems I've written, along with more details about the things I have survived in my life. Basically one chapter followed by a poem at the end explaining where I am today and how it has effected me. Jane thought this would be a good idea and suggested that I talk to my siblings to get more details about incidents that we all went though. By doing this I will be able to give a more factual picture to the reader about what things were like for me as a child. She suggested that I continue writing my blog here as she thinks it will help me when the going gets tough, and I will need to express the feelings brought up by delving deep into my history. She also reminded me that I can always talk to her about my feelings anytime, thats why I go to see her each week apart from dealing with my issues I can talk about feelings raised by them and try to undertand them.

We then went on to talk about how supportive my siblings are towards me, I told her that as its always been my brother and one of the sisters (I have 3) that have always looked out for me.
As a child my brother used to take the blame for things I had done to save me from being beaten.. I recalled one incident where I had broken a cup whilst washing up, nothing serious I hear you all say, but in my household it was punishable by a beating. We all were told to sit on the sofa and were asked who was responsible! as we sat there my brother looked at me, I tried to stand and own up to the fact that it had been me, but my sister pulled me back down onto the chair as my brother stood and said he'd done it? I'll never forget the beating he took that day for as long as I live, and I doubt he will either, he has the scars on his back as a constant reminder.. He was hit with the belt buckle end just for supposedly breaking a cup! Yet he didn' even do it?

If our Mum had thought about it for more than a minute she'd have known it wasn't him as he wasn't on washing up that day? It seems that all she cared about was who could she hit? it didn't matter to her which one of us it was, she didn't want to or couldn't protect us, she proved that over the years! Several times over. By allowing all the other things to happen she also proved to me that she didn't care at all as long, as she was happy with whatever man she had in her life we didn't matter! Shows just what kind of mother I had eh? One who was selfish and uncaring, who allowed the men in her life to abuse and rape her kids and she did nothing to stop it? Jane asked me how that made me feel and I had to admit that I was hurt by it the realisation that you own mother doesn't care for you at all is a hard nut to swallow. But swallow it I did and I got on with my life. Even through all the problems I have had with my daughter I hope she knows that I do still love her and care a great deal about her and what she is doing with her life. I could never be as callous and uncaring as my mother was towards me and my siblings.

Jane and I talked about how I felt towards my brother and how close we are now because of our childhood, I told her we are very close more nowadays than we have ever been and I'm just glad that he is a part of my life now. I see my sisters often as two live nearby and thats good as well but can be overpowering at times.. they seem to still see me as a young child who needs protecting, they can't get it into their heads that I am now an adult able to make my own decisions in life.

Anyways I'm going to start writing my biography over the next few days so look out on this space as I will no doubt be here quite a lot witing about how it feels to remember new things. My earliest memory is when I was abot 18 months/2 years old so I am starting from that point in my life.. time will tell eh?