Its been over a week since I wrote in here last. A week where so much has happened that I haven't had much time to spare.

Last week I had two more abusive threatening phone calls, I have a good idea who is making the calls, well who is behind them but the police just don't want to hear it! even though I have been threatened with violence 'I'm gonna get you' and with being 'Raped' the police are not interested at all. They finally came to see me the evening after the second call.. they had called and said they would be round about 8.30 pm but turned up eventually at 11.30pm?
To a house where there were two women and a young lad, and where we had had threatening calls and a prowler for months! I have to admit when the door was knocked I was very wary of answering it.. That was until my son called down from upstairs that it was the police!

The officers really didn't give a damn all they suggested was that I change my number? What's the use in that? The person making the calls is committing an offence by making malicious calls yet they get off scott free? But I am told to continue calling in when the calls are received but expect no help from the police? The other night my son was on his way home when he had an accident, he fell and broke a fence and was stopped by police and charged with criminal damage? yet it was an accident! It was the same two officers who had been to my house about the calls? are they bias or what? It makes me sick!

I had therapy again on friday as is usual.. trying to deal with all my past is not easy.. remembering things that happened when I was a child is one of the hardest things I have ever done, but to move on with my life I have to do it.. I never realised just how hard talking was going to be? I've kept quiet for so long about it all, that to now start opening up is not only hard but painful as well. As a Survivor of Childhood Abuse would tell you all its a painful process that can take years to get through.

For many it is just to hard to do and for some its a necessity like myself. I was experiencing frequent flashbacks, sleepless nights, nightmares and memories of past events and really didn't know what to do about it. I spoke to a friend on line who suggested that therapy would help me but as I had never been through the process before I was naturally wary of it. I waited about 6 months before finally realising that I needed help with everything, I wasn't coping well and not sleeping either so I went to my GP to ask for help! It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. rather than actually tell him what I needed help with, ( I was embarrassed, ashamed and upset to admit) I passed him a poem that I had written about my life.. this poem said about just about everything that had happened to me.. upon reading it he gave me a phone number for councelling that I had to call... that first therapist session was a nightmare to say the least.. I left after an hour in tears vowing never to return... I waited a further 3 months before I found my own councellor privately.. a much better idea for me as I decided who to tell.. I'll put that poem here and you can see for yourself what I was going through at the time. I hope no one here judges me for what I went through, please remember that I felt I had no choice at the time I was unable to stop things happening back then, but no more! never again will I let anyone hhurt me the way they did no way!..

MY LIFE...

Its time to deal with all my pain, before it drives me, completely insane.
I don't know, quite where to start, I was never very good at art.
I'd paint a picture, sing a song,but somehow I know, I'd get it wrong.
To explain, what YOU, put me through., it is so very hard to do.

I was just a child of 5 or 6, When you started hitting me with bamboo sticks,
What as a child, did i do so wrong, Why oh why did it last so long,
You'd beat me if i was slow to eat, didn't put shoes quickly on my feet,
Looked the wrong way, laughed out loud, my whole life lived under a cloud.

At 14 the biggest sin of all,you ruined my teenage years that fall,
But silent tears i did weap, that awful secret i had to keep.
By 16years I had some strength, put miles between us at great length,
Get away from you, surely now, my life can begin again somehow.

Sixteen years old and all alone, crawling from under every stone,
I was shy, quiet, and reserved, relationships gone, not preserved,
Alone I lived for many years, living alone with all my fears,
Then someone special came to me, at last a life ! I could see.

Made me feel special, made me feel great, I began to believe i'd found my soul mate
Wedding bells rang, a date was set, all of my dreams finally met.
Two weeks before our special day, fate showed me another way,
He came and knocked me late at night, My GOD I PUT UP SUCH A FIGHT...

But my special someone stayed by my side, emotions on a rollercoaster ride,
We married and settled, into our new lives, there was nothing at all i could hide,
Eleven years passed, two lovely kids, somehow the marriage was on the skids,
He flirted, he cheated, he didn't want me, I was confused, hurting couldn't he see?

But, as always determined to work things out, we talked at length, but didn't shout,
Then one day they came to stay, reminding me of his EVIL WAYS,
He beat mum up he knocked her down, on the floor with mud on her gown
I told her that day, what he'd done, told her I wasn't the only one.

I cried, she cried what can we do?, "make him pay, for, what he's done to you ",
Report him, then we'll make him pay, there really is no other way.
My Mum, she met someone new, her happiness now was overdue,
They married as quickly as they could, one day I'd wonder if they should.

Before our day for justice came, Our emotions, we just had to tame,
Mum was taken from us so fast, That marriage something that couldn't last,
They had just 6 months married life, duration of time as "man and wife",
She died so suddenly, can't you see, she went, she left it all to me.

Soon after she died, our day in court, the hardest day ever, that I thought,
They grilled, embarrassed and harrassed me, my detailed story was what they asked me,
At last it was over, the hard work was done, we'd stood on the stand one by one,
They found him GUILTY that we know, its 9 years in prison he will go.

My life, was steady even and straight, to get all that over, I couldn't wait,
It was dealt with, gone in the past, the pain I hoped wouldn't last.
My sisters, they couldn't understand, by my side, they wouldn't stand,
They don't know the second or the third, my little voice could never be heard.

I was married, a simple mother of two, oh! my god, what could i do?
It happened again when i was thirty three, would I ever, ever be free?
No one knows about the last, theres so much they don't know in my past,
Somehow soon I'll find a way, To tell them all come what may..


Thanks for reading.................