Monday Morning.

Didn't make it in here on Friday afternoon, I usually come in after therapy and write about what we have discussed but life got in the way and I just couldn't find the words to write so I missed it..lol.

It was a pretty calm session for the most part, as we talked about me moving home and starting fresh in a new area, I so can't wait for the day that I leave this house and move to my new one. we talked briefly about the Abusive phone call I had before Chritmas and how I had received a phone call from the police the other day notifying me that the perpetrator had been served an Anti-Harrassment order by the police, even the other child who they claimed made the call has now been served with the same order! So for once the police did listen to the victim.. makes a change eh!

We then started chatting about the group I run on msn, and my therapist asked me what I get from it, I tried to explain that its partly knowing that I am not alone in my pain and also that I feel I may be able to help someone else cope with their own pain just by letting them know that I undertand. It helps a lot knowing that others suffer the same type of nightmares/ flashbacks and is helpful listening to how they deal with it all. Jane asked me how I deal with my flashbacks and I tried to explain to her that I don't very well. When they happen sometimes I can stop them, by concentrating on something totally unrelated.. thereby bringing me out of it. But there are occassions when for instance I am tired and can't stop it! that's when my friend comes into her own, because 90% of the time she can bring me back pretty quickly.. many a time I come round crying and choking because of what happened but with my friends help I am soon able to calm down again. It can take anything from a few minutes to hours or even days to recover from a bad flashback, it really does depend how far into it I go before it stops. I have several times had stomach pain the following day because of them, and its not a nice feeling at all. It feels as though it has all just happened again and I am terrified of going anywhere, just want to stay safe in my own home with all the doors locked ect.. Sometimes I feel that other people will know whats in my head, that they will know I was abused as a child! even though I know it wasn't my fault now it still makes me feel ashamed sometimes. I it wondering why I let it happen? Why didn't I try harder to tell someone, to make them listen and understand? Why didn't i leave sooner? so many questions and no answers that make any sense to me. Of course deep down I know I couldn't have done any of that, I tried telling and no one was listening, I ran as far away as I could as soon as I was able to.. but the pain followed me and will follow me for the rest of my life! We have decided to discuss in more detail exactly what happens in my flashbacks at the moment, to see if there is some way in which I can gain control quicker, thereby making them less effective on me. maybe that will be next week eh!

We went back to talking about me moving house and how I will be able to continue my therapy with her, it is a bit further away so will just mean that I have to leave home a little earlier on a friday morning to get there on time, but I'm sure it will be well worth it in the long run.
I can't wait to get to my new house, even though it will be a bit further from my family its still only a short drive for them or me if we want to meet up.. so better than when I lived in London and they were all down here. I have been busy sorting things out over the weekend having a bit of a clear out and throwing away things that I know I don't need anymore.. I have a Surveyor coming round today for the people who want to buy this house, fingers crossed there are no problems... then everything can go ahead as planned and I can move out of here in a few weeks.. well the solicitors say 2-4 months for completion.. but we hope to do it all much quicker than that..
I'll try to keep you updated as things continue alone the way.. but if I dissappear for a while it will just be that I am busy with packing or moving.. but I'll be back..