Tuesday Morning..

Yesterday was not a good day for me at all, I was so low that I could easily have spent the whole day hiding away and crying.. you see just because it all happened so long ago doesn't mean that I have forgotten it, I clearly remember the humiliation, the pain, the embarrassment, telling my doctor what had happened to me as I grew up was so hard! I don't have that good a relationship with him, each time I go to see him I am compared with my older sister who hasn't really got any medical issues.. she wasn't raped as a child so doesn't suffer from the flashbacks or the memories thankfully. But it makes it so much harder for me to talk to him.

On previous consultations he has in fact mentioned how she copes with things that I find difficult? I know he shouldn't it should all be confidential, but because he has done this with me I am naturally wary of really talking to him about what I am going through, so most of the time I struggle on alone with just my friend and councellor to talk to.

The pain and memories of Child Abuse are vast, unless you have been through it yourself there is little hope of really understanding just what it is like to live through. I can admit to this blog that its not easy! But to admit it to anyone face to face is so hard.. you fear being judged you fear people thinking that you are exagerating the problem, so you keep quiet and struggle on alone. As I did for so many years, years and years of not knowing if I was going mad, years of tears and years of not being able to trust anyone for fear that they would hold it against me at some point in the future.

The reason so many Survivors keep quiet about what they have been through, is the way we do get treated when we finally speak up! we are degraded, treated like animals and made to feel that somehow it was our fault! Even though we were children when it all happened? I for one was asked how developed I was at the age of 14yr when he first sexually assaulted me? Well for the record I was still obviously a child, no bust to speak of no periods as yet! I looked like child because I was still a child! But they were looking for excuses, could I have led him on? as if! He was fat, ugly and not a nice person to be around so why would any child do that? My sister was just 8yr old when he raped her the first time... no way did she look like an adult! But the questions still had to be asked in the interviews when we firt reported it all.. By that time I was a 29yr old mother of two, had been married for some 7/8 years.. so they asked how my sex life had been affected by the Abuse? What has that got to do with whether he Abused us as Children ? I have no idea.

Things have got to change, it has to be made easier for Children of abuse to come forward and get it stopped, it has to be made clear that help for the Child is needed immediately, something I never had and was never offered! Only some 30 years later am I getting help and I have to pay for that myself? So as a victim of this horrendous crime I am made to pay myself if I want or need help to come to terms with it. I can't change what happened to me any more than other Survivors can but I have to stop it from ruling my life any longer. Hense why now I go for councelling each week to try and find a way through. I will continue the fight!