Well Its Tuesday Night, and I did it!!

Today I went back to the house where I grew up and went inside for the first time in over 30 years.. it was very emotional for me, as the last time I was there I left with my mum at the age of 16 yrs. I haven't been back since that day.

ON stepping through the doors, I knew it was going to be hard, the downstairs has changed quite a bit with a wall removed and a new one added in a different place, but the basics are the same. the lounge room had been quite small when I grew up there, now its been enlarged by taking in the small shop that used to be at the front, so the whole space is now a longe with two sections. the kitchen was much smaller than I remembered it to be, all that is left is the kitchen sink all the cupboards have gone.. I clearly could see in my head where our dining table used to be, and remembered the times I had sat there and been force fed by him! There was a small window in a side wall that has been bricked up now, but I remembered one of my mum's ex's trying to climb in through it when I was a child.. he got stuck!..lol My sister and I remembered where our furniture used to be, down to the sofa that we all had to sit on when he was dishing out punishments.. it was very hard being in there.. I got tearful on a couple of occassions, but made it through..

We then decided to take a look upstairs.. going to the bottom of the stairs I'm pretty sure it still had the same carpet on! as I walked up I could remember times when we used to sit there listening to him shouting at one of the others, hearing them cry... it was hard. I went into the smallest room first, it was a little bigger than I remembered it to be, but then there was no furniture in there today! The room where I spent my last two years in that house after all the others had left.. We moved on to what had been the bedroom for my sisters and me, it seemed bigger now somehow, but we chatted about where the four beds used to be and the dressers for our clothes.. we remembered the few fun times in there as well as the bad.. My sister mentioned how when the road flooded in the winter we would sit up by the window and look out at the fire brigade pumping out the water, hoping to get it low enough so that it didn't get into the hosues.. we re-called mum shouting up to us, 'get back to bed!' 'get down from that bloody window' and we laughed.. I remembered the time I had been playing up there with another sister and had an accident splitting my head open on the fire place, my other sister re called when my head was rubbed and i was told' you'll be ok' scream!!! MUM !! her hand was covered in blood, I ended up with 6 stitches in my head that day!..

Thenfull of emotion and trepidation, it was into what had been Mum's room.. the room I had been dreading... I broke down in tears as I saw the wallpaper, Mums pink flowery paper was still there, it had been covered over but the newer stuff was peeling away so we could see it.. between us we remembered where all mums furniture had been, especially her bed! It hit me! that's the room where it had all happened to me! My sister knew and hugged me so close, My friend was with me and really I wanted her to hug me, but my sister got in first... it was very painful being in there today.. I left the room and we looked at the bathroom, its so small.. barely room to dress let alone anything else as we remembered climbing out the window on to the kitchen roof to get away at night. how we did it I'll never know that window is tiny! Very emotional I was drawn back to mums room for one last look... it became to painful to stay there as the memories flooded into my head once more, so I suggested we went downstairs again.. at the top my sister commented, 'be careful, we've fallen down these stairs enough times don't want to do it today'... I remembered the times we had fallen or been pushed down by him! the stairs were narrow and steep and not well lit at all.. but we made it down in one piece.. back into the kitchen area..

We commented how all the windows and the roof in the house were now rotten, in desperate need of a lot of work.. I doubt anyone will try to restore that house hopefully with all that went on there it will be demolished and a new house built on the site.. as I walked out I tried to hold back the tears I was so emotional right at that moment I knew if I started to cry I would have cried all day.. so because my sister was there I didn't let myself... We spoke briefly to the agent about what he thinks will happen and he said he beleives it may be pulled down as there is so much to do.. it needs complete refurbishment including new roof and windows.. so a lot of money would need to be spent...

I hope it is demolished.. I took pictures in there today and there are lots of memories now good and bad.. so on friday I guess I will talk some of it through with my therapist.. hopefully some ghosts will be laid to rest now eh! I am glad that I made that journey into my past today, even though painful it was something I felt that I needed to do and I'm happy that I was able to do it.. Many people that I chat to in my support group knew that I was going there today and they had all wished me luck saying they were there with me in spirit and thinking of me giving me the strength to carry on and do it.. I'm happy to say I DID IT!!...

Monday night.. ( may be upsetting to read)



Today I had one the the worst flashbacks that I can remember for a long time, I'd stayed up last night to watch 'The Oscars' with a friend so was very tired. I decided to lay down for a while and had this horrible flashback.

I was right there in the thick of it.. back in that house where I grew up.. I could hear him shouting my name, telling me to get upstairs right now! I knew what was coming but was unable to stop it. I knew if I didn't go he would just come and get me, so I went upstairs. I found him in my mums bedroom,as I had many times before, he was laying naked on the bed. He told me to get undressed and get in.... I didn't want to, I really didn't.... but knew there was no point trying to argue.. so I did as I was told... not for the first time either, I was I think about 15yrs old! I can still feel the pressure as he forced himself on me, I feel the pain, the upset the emotions of fear and terror that I felt back then..He Raped me that day as he had done many times before, hense why I don't feel safe, I feel very vunerable and scared at the moment.. but deep down know that i am safe.... it doesn't make much sense, I know, to anyone who hasn't been there! but its not a nice feeling I can assure you of that.

These flashbacks now are coming up I think because tomorrow I am going back to 'That' House! the house where it all happened. I know its going to be very hard for me going in there and memories will no doubt flood into my mind, but I have to do it! I have to know if I am able to deal with this now? I have wanted to go back for many years now and see if maybe I could lay some ghosts to rest, well tomorrow is my chance, the house is finally on the market for sale so I have booked to go and see it with a good friend and one of my sisters. No doubt my sister will find this very hard as well so hopefully we can help each other get through it..

Because of whats been happening with me since this was arranged I have been writing poetry once more, the first one is trying to explain how I feel today, the questions I need answers to? but doubt I'll get... Called 'Wasn't Strong' I felt appropriate because as a child I wasn't, but now I am much stronger.

'Wasn't Strong'

Alone and Scared, Hiding the shame,
Sitting here wondering, who is to blame?
All those things happened, when I was a child,
The memories clear, Strong not mild.
Beaten and Torchered, forced to eat,
Getting through it all, no mean feat.
But so far I've lived, blocking it down,
Look hard on my face, you'll see the frown.
Telling my truth, I'll find a way,
Look out all, it will spill out one day.
The story of youth, damaged for life,
The tales of my sadness and my strife.
Embarrassed, ashamed, is how I feel,
Recalling some memories are they all real?
Did I encourage when I was a teen?
How come the Abuse, by no one was seen?
Why did it happen, happen to me?
Why did no one listen, hear little me?
They let it continue, for many a year,
Each day after school, I'd return home in fear.
Wondering, would 'it' happen, again tonight?
Living each day, in terror and fright.
Was I to blame, what did I do wrong?
Oh! NO I was not, I just wasn't strong.

The second poem written just yesterday morning, is more about how all this is making me feel today! my hopes that now he is an old man he may just be suffering, just a little bit because of the pain he put my siblings and I through.. I called it 'EVIL YOU' and I think it is self explanitory..

'Evil You'

Dreading this visit, that I need to do,
All because of what happened, at the hands of you!
I hope that your miserable in your old age,
I need to do this, to turn over the page.
Going right back to my childhood home,
Thank God you can't, call me on the phone.
Memories clear, of feelings and pain,
Because of you, my lifes not the same!
You ruined my youth, ruined my life,
I thank God my Mum's no longer your wife.
The minute I told her, told her my truth,
About what you had done, when I was a youth.
She left you that day, never to go back,
I wish I could give my memories the sack.
But your in my dreams, my memories to,
I hate and I loathe, detest 'Evil You'!

This I think my therapist would say is my anger towards him coming to the fore, I am so angry at what he did to me, and what he put me through that I somehow need to find a way to handle it and cope with it.. maybe one day I will find my route.. maybe I will one day be able to put it all behind me and move on with my life? I don't know.. all I know right now is that I need to do this visit tomorrow to see if it may help in some way, I have a back up plan if things get to hard in there, to go outside and maybe calm down before going back in again.. hope it works eh!

But I have to admit to myself right now that I am terrified of what will happen in there, will it be so painful remembering it all that I will break down in tears? will I end up having a major flashback in the house? how would my sister react if that was to happen? she has never seen it happen to me before so I'm worried it may set her off as well.. but regardless I have to at least try and do it, for my own sake else I'll always be asking myself 'what if'?

Sunday Morning.

I have been up now for over an hour, woke up after a bad dream feeling really scared and shaking once more. I barely remember the dream now but do know that it was about my childhood so guaranteed not to be a good one.

Had a Chat in my group last night about flashbacks and memories and it is apparent that ALL survivors go throught this process, to think that just over a year ago I had no idea what was happening to me when the flashbacks came! But I now know the full extent of them as they are occuring regularly these days.

During a flashback its as if the Abuse is happening all over again, I feel the fear, the pain.. hear the sounds that were there at the time, and feel so unsafe its sometimes unbareable to handle. Frequently I come out of it crying, tears streaming down my face and it can take anything from a few hours to a few days to recover from it depending on what it was about. Its not easy I can assure you of that, but I will not let my Abusers win anymore they have had control of my life for far to long and its my time now! I will get through all this even though its not easy, they will not stop me from getting my life back to where it should be.

I have memories coming up these days that I am sometimes a bit unsure of, whether its because they are new or just too painful to beleive I'm not sure but I do know they can be just as destressing as a flashback. As I plan on going back to my childhood home on Tuesday I am experiencing all sorts of memories, no doubt I will have more as tuesday approaches and maybe even after I have been there, I haven't been back into that house since I was 16 yr old so its a long time ago, I admit I am scared of what could happen when I walk in that door once again, but feel that now its time to take my life back and re gain the control over myself instead of letting someone else control me! Its my life to live as I feel fit and my past although a part of that life is not going to run it for me anymore, I intend to deal with all my demons now through therapy and by writing in here when I feel the need, I will try to be open about how a Survivor feels as I get the memories and flashbacks, as I feel 'triggered' by differeent events in my day to day life.

Sometimes the sound of a certain song on the TV or radio can set me off and before I know It I am back there as a child once more. One of my 'triggers' is someone shouting at me it sets me off bigtime, I just can't handle it at all.. but also the sound of seagulls making noises can do it as well, problem there is that I live by the sea so that sound is one I have had to get used to again and try to not let it get to me, more often than not these days it doesn't as I have learnt to cope with it and separate it from the past most of the time. But occasionally it doesn't work especially if I have just had a flashback, when that happens its so damned hard to separate the two that sometimes I feel like I am going crazy but deep down inside I knwo I'm not, its just my past rearing its ugly little head again trying to take control of me once more, but it will not win. I will!

So far I have managed to deal with a lot of my stuff by writing about it in my poems, it helps me a great deal writing it out and I knw that I will continue to do so until there is no more to say, when that will be I have no idea it could be as soon as next year or could be many years from now, but I will fight onward and upward. It has been suggested that maybe I try to write a book again about how it has all affected me, and I am thinking about it, but remembering the details of incidents isn't that easy when they are all blighted by the pain of the Abuse itself. I can retell the incidents but the words said to me are blurred, so how do I remember those to make it easier for a reader to understand the pain I went though and still go though? One day in the future maybe that will be possible for me? I have no idea....

Friday again..

Todays therapy session was harder than usual as we talked about my impending visit to my old house where I grew up..

I remembered a few good times in that house, like when the street outside flooded every winter and we would hang out of the bedroom window watching the fire brigade pumping out the water, hoping they would get in low enough before it came into the house, the times we used to climb out the bathroom window to get away and go off up to the pub, these memories are few and far between, so not many, most of my memories are nasty ones.

Jane started to ask me to tell her about some of the other things that happened there, like how it was day to day as I grew up, I tried really tried to tell her as much as I could about how things were each day, how we were made to get up each morning at 7am whether there was school or not.. we had just half an hour to all get washed and be downstairs for breakfast, if anyone didn't make it there would be trouble! so we all tried as hard as possible to be downstairs on time.

Breakfast was usually a bowl of cornflakes and a piece of toast with a cup of tea, In the winter months it was a bowl off porridge oats which we were all used to having been born in scotland. We had half an hour to eat it all, frequently I didn't make it as I was a slow eater, still am pretty much, when that happened I was forced to eat by Him! he would hold my nose shut and when Opened my mouth to breath he would force a spoonful of food in, i f I dared to choke he would lash out! After breakfast it was either off to school or on a non school day we were made to go out and play, being told to just make sure we were home by 5pm for dinner. So basically we were thrown out of the house from about 8am to 5pm with no lunch to speak of unless we were in school. By 5pm we had to be home to get the dinner and chores done before him and mum got back from work, if they weren't done my god there was trouble, a beating at least and sometimes we would be sent to bed with no dinner depending on what it was we were supposed to have done or not done!

Luckily sometimes we were able to get back indoors after him and mum had gone to work, especially when it was raining etc. Life as a child for my siblings and I wasn't easy at all, at least one of us was beaten each day by him! At that time in our lives he wasn't married to our mum, he was just her boyfriend and she let him do whatever he wanted to do to us! Now I think it was because he had older children than us of his own, Mum for some reason beleived he knew what he was doing in disciplining us. But he was just a bully who took advantage of the five of us whenever he could. When we sat down to dinner at night, usually about 6pm we had to eat everything that we were given whether we liked it or not, if we didn't again trouble! I often got into trouble as I was a very fussy eater so most meal times were a nightmare for me in particular. I never finished my meal in the time he set so he would force feed me on an almost daily basis, when he wasn't there Mum would do it herself so I had no peace from that side of life regardless.

Jane asked me today to try to describe my feelings when he force fed me! it was hard to do, very hard and as I tried to explain it to her I got upset as I remembered it so clearly I started choking, gagging and coughing so much that she thought I was having an asthma attack, she asked me if I needed her to call an ambulance and I said no, I was ok.. it took ma a few minutes to calm down again but I couldn't expalin it to her in any more detail than I had as I could tell I'd be right back there and I didn't want that.. not today.

My stress levels are high enough right now, knowing that I am about to go back into that house, I am terrified of how I am going to feel or react but I know I have to do this. It is time!

Thursday Morning..

Been a few days now since I wrote in here, and I have had a lot of thinking to do! As I mentioned in the last blog, the house where I suffered most of my Abuse is on the market for sale at Auction on April 5th, I have wanted to go back into that house for many years to see if my memories are true and correct, and I have now made an appointment to go in next Tuesday at 3pm. Its weird I left that house some 31 yrs ago, yet I can still remember the lay out, still tell you where the furniture was placed etc.. Its embedded in my mind as a traumatic time in my life so I have no idea how I will react stepping back through that front door? To admit to being scared would be an understatement, I am terrified of what will happen of how I will react etc, but I know its something I have to do to help me move on past that phase in my life.

Most of my dreams this past week have been about that house and what went on in there when I was growing up, not pleasant memories thats for sure. I am hoping that whilst in there I can hold it together and not show how I feel in front of other people that could be there at the same time. But I expect to have a bad night of memories and such afterwards. Hopefully I will get through it without to much upset, My good friend is coming with me on the day as is one of my sisters who will no doubt try to be strong for me, I just hope she is able to admit to herself how painful that trip down memory road will be for us both. I'll let you all know after we've been.

My house move is now coming along and I hope to be moving in about 5 weeks time, thankfully it can't come soon enough for me...lol I hate it in this house now and really don't feel safe here anymore so the sooner I get out the better I will feel. Prowlers and obscene phone calls do that to a person and its not nice being scared to answer the telephone all the time.. so by moving away I should be able to end that at least. Well tomorrow is therapy day again, no doubt going to be a hard one as we start to really talk about the abuse in detail, if I can, but I know I need to and will do my best as its the only way forward for a Survivor! I know it will be painful and upsetting to do but needs must eh!.

Well its Friday once more, and I haven't written in here for the past week! So much has been going on that I just haven't had the time or been in the right mood to do anything.

I have been to therapy once more today, topics discussed were hard and very triggering, I found out last night that the house I grew up in is up for sale, its a bit of a mess and being sold at auction in April for about £100,000.. I really want to go back into that house and see if maybe I can lay some ghosts to rest. I know its going to be hard going in there the memories I have are not nice ones, so maybe by returning now as an adult I will be able to maybe change them or at least remember some good times? I really don't know. My therapist has told me to be prepared for getting upset, for crying for feeling like I am back there, It could be a very hard thing for me to do But I need to do it for me. I have spoken to two of my sisters today and they both want to return with me, so we are going to try and get the agents to let us go in alone, I know when I go upstairs particularly that it is going to be difficult, the memories I have right now of that house are painful and upsetting but if I don't do this now I will most likely never get the chance again.

As Jane said to me I just need to try and remember that the feelings I experienced back there as a child will most likely come back, but I am not that child any longer I am now an adult who is dealing with it all and this could give me a big step forward on my healing, it could also put me back a little as I remember new things that I have blocked until now? I have no idea.

Also this last week I have found out that a family member who was abused by a neighbour has received bad news, She reported to police about a year ago and did a video statement.. however the Crown Prosecution Service are claiming that the delay in reporting will make it difficult to get a conviction? what the fuck? I waited 16yrs to even report my abuse but we got a conviction, how can they expect a child of 13/14yr old to report and go through the court process? they can't! so many abuse victims wait until they are adults before coming forward. The so called justice system in this country stinks.

I have also been receiving death threats via the telephone and until last night the police made it clear they didn't beleive me? but something changed last night, I engaged the caller in a conversation and they gave a name as Tony, when my friend told the police this their whole attitude changed suddenly they were receptive to my distress and telling me that they will be looking into this seriously, the telephone company are putting a trace on my line so that we can find out where the calls are coming from.. so maybe at last after having had these calls since last November there may just be an end in sight.

I talked to jane today about what happened when I left that childhood home, about what had happened to make my Mum and I leave.. and how the memories of that place affect me even now! I can clearly recall sitting on the sofa in that house watching my siblings getting beaten by that Idiot with his belt, a cane or whatever he chose to use at the time. The memories of sitting on the stairs listening to someone crying, which was a daily occurence there, makes me feel scared to return, but I really feel that I need to do this. I hope by going in there next week that I can maybe put somethings down, lay them to rest once and for all. But the memories will stay with me forever, I will never forget but hope to be able to move on from them and stop them controlling me! The other option is that it will overwhelm me and I won't cope with going in there at all, if that happens I'm not sure what I will do but knowing that two of my sisters will be there as well as my friends will hopefully help me. Time will tell eh!

My flashbacks and nightmares seem to have calmed down again at the moment so its been pretty good of late, Lets hope it stays that way eh! Oh for a quiet life where I am not scared of answering the phone, of going to sleep or of seeing who is around the corner. I hope to move house within about 6 weeks from now so hopefully that in itself will mean a calmer existence.. fingers crossed for me ok...

Friday again, and that means therapy once more.

Today we were talking about intimidating behaviour and how it affected me as a child!. My step father was very intimidating in so much as if he said 'jump' I'd ask how high because if I didn't it would mean a beating most times. When as a child someone is constantly shouting at you, calling you an idiot and stupid you eventully begin to beleive it no matter how small or big you are in years it eventually makes you feel stupid and feel like an idiot for questioning the comments.

As I grew up I was told these things all the time, so as I became a teenager and started to want to make my own way in the world I was wary that I wasn't capable of very much, I would do whatever I was told to do without question so that I didn't get beaten, as I approached 14yr old he started making sexual inuendo's towards me, commenting on the size of my bust or lack of it, making remarks about my figure, I was still so obviously a child and a late developer, so I never really understood why he said such things, It was the March after my 14th birthday that he first tried to abuse me sexually, he wasn't successful that time, but was soon after, my Mother was away for the day at my Uncles wedding so I had no hope of anyone stopping him, I was at home alone so just had to accept what he did I couldn't fight him off! He was after all a big man, about 16 stone in weight if not more and at least 5'11'tall.. so me at barely 5' had no chance. this went on for the next few years I did everything I could not to be home alone with him but sometimes I couldn't get out of it, My eldest two sisters had long since left home and started a new life away from him, my other sister who still lived at home was out so much I hardly knew where she was, the threats he made to me so that I didn't tell anyone were frightening so my silence was assured.

I tried as hard as any child can at that age to make sure it never happened again, but it always did.. whenever he was around and the opportunity arose he would rape me! I prayed for the day he would leave and return to his own wife and family, but he always returned to our house within months, soon it came time for me to leave school, I wasn't allowed to stay on and better my education as Mum couldn't afford to support me through it, so I had to work, I applied for menial jobs that anyone could do, care assistant in a nursing home, a factory worker ect. Just to get out of the house especially if he was around.

One day when he had left us yet again, Mum met a new guy, after about 5/6 months she informed me that they were getting married, I thought my nightmare would be over as far as Don was concerned,.. the marriage worked for a while but this guy was a bit of a drinker and would return home on a friday night from the pub a bit worse for wear.. it soon caused problems between him and Mum and they would fight, on my 16th Birthday he wrote me a card with the words in ' Apples are ripe and ready for plucking, girls of 16 are ready for fucking' Mum went mad and decided that she wasn't taking chances and we left the next day.. Drove around the country for weeks staying with family and friends where ever we could. It wasn't very long before Mum called Don, telling him what had happened, that we'd left home, within days he was back on the scene and causing me problems.. As he started up where he had left off!... it didn't take long before I had enough and knew I needed to get out!

Another day!!

Tuesday Morning..

Since friday I have been feeling very vunerable once more, delving deep into my past is not only upsetting but very painful as well. Recalling how it felt when my Mum walked away left me feeling abandoned once more, even though I have a very good friend here that I can talk to about things somehow I just can't find the words. I have found myself to be so snappy and irritable that we seem to be arguing much more than usual.. and I hate it!

I have written a couple of poems about how it felt when Mum walked away, I realise now that she walked away from her marriage not her children, but it doesn't stop the memories of the pain I felt at the time. To return home one day and find she had gone, then to be told I would be going with two siblings to live with an Aunt and Uncle was hard to understand at such a young age! I thought Mum had left because I was a bad child? I know now that my siblings felt the same we all blamed ouselves for her leaving. It was some 7 months before I saw her again and when I did he was there also, the begining of my nightmare childhood, almost from the minute I stepped of the plane he was shouting at us! I can't describe right now the sort of feeling I had when that happened apart from being instantly scared of him.. but I will say that if I could go back to that time and change anything I'd make sure my Mum never met him! He made my childhood from that day onwards hell!

Here's the poems I have written about My Mum leaving, maybe they will explain a little how I felt at the time!

Angry and Cry.

Sitting here alone, in pain and in thought,
Should I try to talk it through? I know I ought.
But finding the words, is so hard to do,
So I'm sitting here writing, telling you!
The feelings, Emotions, I have felt today,
I wish they had come some other way.
Feeling Abandoned, Alone and Scared,
Wondering why, nobody cared!
I was just a child at five years old,
I cried and cried, or so I'm told.
The day My Mum walked out on me,
I was in pain, why couldn't she see?
I knew then, she didn't love me, knew she didn't care,
When after that I looked for her, 'She' wasn't there.
She started up a new life in another town,
The next time that I saw her face, I saw a frown!
Gone was the Mother I had known, Gone the Mother who cared,
But question all her reasons, I wouldn't have dared!
How could a Mother, Just walk away?
Leaving her Children to make their own way?
Didn't she see, the pain that she caused?
Didn't she know all our lives had been Paused?
Did she know how much we needed her love?
Did she know how much we prayed up above?
Now! as an Adult in my Prime, I try to work out Why?
But everytime I think of then, I get Angry and Cry!

'Little Katie Comes back to me'!

Pain in my stomach, my head and my heart,
As I remember the day, we were torn apart.
Mum had gone far, Dad taken too,
How can I explain, these feelings to you?
Doubting my life, Had I been so bad?
Driven Mum away?, that made me feel sad!
Sent of to live with an Uncle and Aunt,
Explain how it was, right now I can't.
Remembering the friends I left behind,
Even though not all, had been very kind.
Sad and alone, with no one I played,
Sitting there wishing my Mum had stayed.
But now she was gone, onto a new life,
One day in the future, she'd be his wife.
Seven months passed, before I saw her again,
Unknown to her, I suffered much Pain.
When finally we met, he was there too,
The start of my nightmare, as I tell you.
From that day to this my life was hell,
Silent for so long, but now I can tell.
Tell of the heartache, tell of the sorrow,
Maybe one day, there will be no pain tomorrow.
Trying to deal, with memories I see,
As 'little Katie' comes back to me!.

Hope these explain the feelings I had at the time!..

Friday Afternoon.

As usual on a friday I have been to therapy.. initially we just caught up on all that has happened in the week since I was there last, then Jane asked me what I hope to gain from therapy and I really had to think about it.. I replied that I hope to be able to openly talk about what happened to me in the past, not neccessarily with all the details but with some of them, I beleive that there most likely will be some issues that I will never talk about, somethings just need to stay in my head, but if I can I want to be able to talk and say what happened in the hope that I can somehow help others.

She asked me if I was still writing my blog and I admitted that I was, saying that some of it is just a moan but sometimes I do write about events that I experienced. She asked me what was the differene doing that from telling someone face to face and I said its clear to me as no one who reads this really knows who I am, I can hide behind the writing. I said that in time I hope to be able to write more about specific incidents that occured and maybe make it into a book that will include some of the poems I have written as well.

Jane suggested that maybe I take one of the poems and explain what made me write it! the incident that had occured and the feelings I felt at the time. Somehow we got to talking about teddy Bears and Jane asked me if I owned one! I told her I have several and a few favourites.. in that selection are a few special ones and she asked me in what way were they special? I said when I first started really talking about my past to a friend I always had my snowybear with me, it sort of kept me in the here and now as such, stopping me from going back there as I talked, it helped a lot just having it on my lap as I talked! Jane said she understood this and knew it to be related as a comfort type article. Many survivors apparently have a teddybear or comfort blanket as a way of getting the comfort they never had from their mothers. We hold on to these articles for many years as we struggle to realise that we ourselves are taking care of us not our mothers.

Then we went on to when My Mother first left My Dad! I was just 5yrs old.. I remember mum having been sick a lot when I was very young, I remember mum and dad fighting and him lashing out drunk! but I had no idea she was going to leave us all! I got home one day from school/daycare to find the house full of all these adults.. my oldest sister was crying and we were told to go and gather some of our belongings together as we were going to stay somewhere else.. My eldest sister was allowed to stay with dad as she was considered old enough to be semi independant! (she was 9yr old) my next sister (7yr) was told she would be going to stay with our grandparents (dad's) and my other sister (6yr) my brother (4yr) and myself (5yr) were going to stay with an Aunt and uncle round the corner..
I clearly remember the upset I felt that day, the feeling of being abandoned by Mum, I recall crying myself to sleep that night in a bed I had to share with my sister.. the next morning my Aunt took us to town and had our hair cut off! mine had been really long down to my backside, but she had it cut short. At the time I didn't understand why although I do now! Apparently we both had head lice, and the shampoo's available didn't work on our hair because it was far to long and thick! . But it still upset me at the time that no one bothered to explain to us why it was being done.

No one bothered telling us what was happening, where our mum was or when we would be able to see her again, as it worked out we didn't see her for nearly 7 months! By which time we had settled into our life with our Aunt and Uncle who though strict were fair. One morning we were told that we were going to live with mum again but had to travel to England to do that, we'd be going on an aeroplane from Glasgow! we'd never flown before so it was quite daunting to say the least!. I sometimes remember those times clearly but othertimes its like I block it out? times that were hard enough and painful for any child to live through but we went from what had been a reasonably happy home to an Abusive one! which leaves me feeling 'was it worth it'?
As I told Jane this story I admit I cried like a baby, it was very hard remembering it all, remembering the feeling I had back then, don't get me wrong there were some good times but at the moment the bad memories outweigh the good big time!

I told jane that I want to try and be able to talk really talk about the different incidents I experienced without getting so upset all the time, I want the nightmares, bad dreams and flashbacks to stop. I dont want to remember how it felt to live through all that but I guess until I can openly talk about it I will still get upset, I will still cry and feel the same feelings I did until I deal with it all, even if it takes me years to be able to do that its my goal! and I will score it in the end, its just that the playing field is very very long right now and as Jane said I have only just kicked off! It could be a long hard painful game for me to play before I score that goal but play it I must and play it I will!

Thursday Morning 9.10am

Its been a weird few days, things seem to be coming to a head in my thoughts and I know now that I need to really start working on things that I am trying to deal with.

I've had a headache for the past three days and it just won't go away no matter how many tablets I seem to take, guess its my body's way of saying the time is right to deal with all the pain and hurt from my past! even my dreams lately are more detailed than ever before with colour and smell, sound and feelings its quite scary at times as I wake up feeling that I am that child again waiting for him to start hitting or shouting at me!

I clearly recall being made to get up each morning at about 6.30-7am regardless whether there was school or not, we had a total of one hour for all five of us to get washed dressed and have breakfast, if we weren't ready on time we would be hit, shouted at and asked why? Many a morning my older sisters would get into the bathroom before me so I would have to really rush to be done on time, I often didn't make it so my days started with a beating or being shouted at! I hear you ask what sort of person would put a child through that kind of torture every day?

Well I lived it and can assure you that it wasn't nice at all, it was torture, none of my friends at school seemed to know just how bad it actually was so I had no one that I could talk to about things apart from my siblings, we tried so many times to tell people what was going on, but no one listened to us they always thought we were making it up! as if the bruises weren't enough to tell them it was true! But they chose to ignore them, chose to beleive him instead of us and by doing so allowed him to continue his abuse for many many years.

I clearly remember how it felt, the sadness in that house with five children in, it hould have been a house of laughter of fun, but it wasn't. We would all find excuses whenever we could not to return home straight from school each day, we joined after school classes, clubs anyhing that would be accepted to keep us out for longer. But of course eventually each day we'd have to go home at some point... then it meant about four hours or so of pain, torture and humiliation from him, he'd always find some excuse to hit one of us and if one got hit the others were forced to sit and watch. He would appear to enjoy humiliating us in front of each other, in fact I know he enjoyed it as especially with my eldest sister he would make her remove her underwear to hit her in front of us all even our brother! he was that sick in the head.

Today as I remember clearly more things that he did, I feel sick to my stomach, I feel pain in my chest and my head hurts from to many memories coming up at the same time, but I refuse to let him win anymore, I will fight and fight until somehow I can move past this pain and make my life my own, at the moment it feels as though he has control again control of my thoughs and fears but I know he doesn't if I fight hard enough I can take that back. Never again will I let anyone control me, I will not do what I am told to do by anyone I'll do what I beleive to be the right thing for me and no one will stop me!

Part of the thing that I beleive to be right just now is me telling my story, but remembering the details of threats made, the circumstances of those threats and putting the words down on paper is not as easy as I once thought it would be. I can say things were hard, I can say he sexually abused my sister and I but to write his words and make the feelings clear to the reader, well its not that easy, but I will persist until I get the details right, until I can write it in a way that makes people understand just how painful it is to grow up a an abused child.. to then go into adulthood and be abused again and again ... how hard it is to break that cycle of abuse how much work I have had to do within myself not to treat my children the way I was treated, most of us take things from our own childhood and use it when we ourselves have children but I couldn't do that, as my childhood was not one that I'd like others to live through.. so I had to make my own rules and find my own ways of geting things done, my own way to raise what I hoped would be good kind children with a purpose in life, I don't think I did to badly but hey no one is perfect are they!...

Enough rambling for today, think I'll go and distract my head a bit!..