Friday Afternoon.

As usual on a friday I have been to therapy.. initially we just caught up on all that has happened in the week since I was there last, then Jane asked me what I hope to gain from therapy and I really had to think about it.. I replied that I hope to be able to openly talk about what happened to me in the past, not neccessarily with all the details but with some of them, I beleive that there most likely will be some issues that I will never talk about, somethings just need to stay in my head, but if I can I want to be able to talk and say what happened in the hope that I can somehow help others.

She asked me if I was still writing my blog and I admitted that I was, saying that some of it is just a moan but sometimes I do write about events that I experienced. She asked me what was the differene doing that from telling someone face to face and I said its clear to me as no one who reads this really knows who I am, I can hide behind the writing. I said that in time I hope to be able to write more about specific incidents that occured and maybe make it into a book that will include some of the poems I have written as well.

Jane suggested that maybe I take one of the poems and explain what made me write it! the incident that had occured and the feelings I felt at the time. Somehow we got to talking about teddy Bears and Jane asked me if I owned one! I told her I have several and a few favourites.. in that selection are a few special ones and she asked me in what way were they special? I said when I first started really talking about my past to a friend I always had my snowybear with me, it sort of kept me in the here and now as such, stopping me from going back there as I talked, it helped a lot just having it on my lap as I talked! Jane said she understood this and knew it to be related as a comfort type article. Many survivors apparently have a teddybear or comfort blanket as a way of getting the comfort they never had from their mothers. We hold on to these articles for many years as we struggle to realise that we ourselves are taking care of us not our mothers.

Then we went on to when My Mother first left My Dad! I was just 5yrs old.. I remember mum having been sick a lot when I was very young, I remember mum and dad fighting and him lashing out drunk! but I had no idea she was going to leave us all! I got home one day from school/daycare to find the house full of all these adults.. my oldest sister was crying and we were told to go and gather some of our belongings together as we were going to stay somewhere else.. My eldest sister was allowed to stay with dad as she was considered old enough to be semi independant! (she was 9yr old) my next sister (7yr) was told she would be going to stay with our grandparents (dad's) and my other sister (6yr) my brother (4yr) and myself (5yr) were going to stay with an Aunt and uncle round the corner..
I clearly remember the upset I felt that day, the feeling of being abandoned by Mum, I recall crying myself to sleep that night in a bed I had to share with my sister.. the next morning my Aunt took us to town and had our hair cut off! mine had been really long down to my backside, but she had it cut short. At the time I didn't understand why although I do now! Apparently we both had head lice, and the shampoo's available didn't work on our hair because it was far to long and thick! . But it still upset me at the time that no one bothered to explain to us why it was being done.

No one bothered telling us what was happening, where our mum was or when we would be able to see her again, as it worked out we didn't see her for nearly 7 months! By which time we had settled into our life with our Aunt and Uncle who though strict were fair. One morning we were told that we were going to live with mum again but had to travel to England to do that, we'd be going on an aeroplane from Glasgow! we'd never flown before so it was quite daunting to say the least!. I sometimes remember those times clearly but othertimes its like I block it out? times that were hard enough and painful for any child to live through but we went from what had been a reasonably happy home to an Abusive one! which leaves me feeling 'was it worth it'?
As I told Jane this story I admit I cried like a baby, it was very hard remembering it all, remembering the feeling I had back then, don't get me wrong there were some good times but at the moment the bad memories outweigh the good big time!

I told jane that I want to try and be able to talk really talk about the different incidents I experienced without getting so upset all the time, I want the nightmares, bad dreams and flashbacks to stop. I dont want to remember how it felt to live through all that but I guess until I can openly talk about it I will still get upset, I will still cry and feel the same feelings I did until I deal with it all, even if it takes me years to be able to do that its my goal! and I will score it in the end, its just that the playing field is very very long right now and as Jane said I have only just kicked off! It could be a long hard painful game for me to play before I score that goal but play it I must and play it I will!