Friday again, and that means therapy once more.

Today we were talking about intimidating behaviour and how it affected me as a child!. My step father was very intimidating in so much as if he said 'jump' I'd ask how high because if I didn't it would mean a beating most times. When as a child someone is constantly shouting at you, calling you an idiot and stupid you eventully begin to beleive it no matter how small or big you are in years it eventually makes you feel stupid and feel like an idiot for questioning the comments.

As I grew up I was told these things all the time, so as I became a teenager and started to want to make my own way in the world I was wary that I wasn't capable of very much, I would do whatever I was told to do without question so that I didn't get beaten, as I approached 14yr old he started making sexual inuendo's towards me, commenting on the size of my bust or lack of it, making remarks about my figure, I was still so obviously a child and a late developer, so I never really understood why he said such things, It was the March after my 14th birthday that he first tried to abuse me sexually, he wasn't successful that time, but was soon after, my Mother was away for the day at my Uncles wedding so I had no hope of anyone stopping him, I was at home alone so just had to accept what he did I couldn't fight him off! He was after all a big man, about 16 stone in weight if not more and at least 5'11'tall.. so me at barely 5' had no chance. this went on for the next few years I did everything I could not to be home alone with him but sometimes I couldn't get out of it, My eldest two sisters had long since left home and started a new life away from him, my other sister who still lived at home was out so much I hardly knew where she was, the threats he made to me so that I didn't tell anyone were frightening so my silence was assured.

I tried as hard as any child can at that age to make sure it never happened again, but it always did.. whenever he was around and the opportunity arose he would rape me! I prayed for the day he would leave and return to his own wife and family, but he always returned to our house within months, soon it came time for me to leave school, I wasn't allowed to stay on and better my education as Mum couldn't afford to support me through it, so I had to work, I applied for menial jobs that anyone could do, care assistant in a nursing home, a factory worker ect. Just to get out of the house especially if he was around.

One day when he had left us yet again, Mum met a new guy, after about 5/6 months she informed me that they were getting married, I thought my nightmare would be over as far as Don was concerned,.. the marriage worked for a while but this guy was a bit of a drinker and would return home on a friday night from the pub a bit worse for wear.. it soon caused problems between him and Mum and they would fight, on my 16th Birthday he wrote me a card with the words in ' Apples are ripe and ready for plucking, girls of 16 are ready for fucking' Mum went mad and decided that she wasn't taking chances and we left the next day.. Drove around the country for weeks staying with family and friends where ever we could. It wasn't very long before Mum called Don, telling him what had happened, that we'd left home, within days he was back on the scene and causing me problems.. As he started up where he had left off!... it didn't take long before I had enough and knew I needed to get out!

Another day!!